Page 19 of The Cold Ride

“To be deployed overseas? You planning on enlisting?” He nudged my shoulder playfully, laying the flirting on thick.

But I ate up the attention. It felt as if we were in our own little bubble, far away from the outside world. “Ha, no. I want a family of my own. And to live in a big house that we restored and made ours, you know, really put our stamp on it. I want to bake cookies and do the whole mom thing.”

“And why haven’t you?” He seemed so serious. Like he was waiting for my answer with bated breath.

“Just waiting for the right guy, I suppose.” It was an evasive answer.

“There’s more to it than that.”

And he saw right through me. “Perceptive. There is.” I dropped my gaze and stared at my naked hands. “I worry that I’ll be like my mother. And that once I have a kid, it will be too much to handle, or I’ll decide that it’s not really what I want, ya know. And it worries me because I’d never want to do that to a child.”

“You won’t.”

He sounded so confident in my abilities. I’d never had anyone believe in me like he did. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because it doesn’t feel like you. I think you’re more driven to succeed than your mother was, and far less selfish. The fact that you’re worried about a kid who hasn’t been conceived yet speaks volumes about your character. I’ve been in the Navy since I turned eighteen. Long enough that I can tell which new enlisted service members won’t cut it in a fight, even with all their training.”

“And do you like it? Being a SEAL and being dropped into dangerous situations you might not make it out of?”

He glanced out over the water. I thought he wasn’t going to answer my question. But then he started speaking in a low voice.

“Becoming a SEAL was fucking hard as hell. The places my units and I are dropped into at times leave me wondering what the point is with all of it. Witnessing the horrors of war... it can mess with your head. I’ve taken lives. And I don’t care what anyone says. That shit sticks with you. It changes you. It makes it so that I have to compartmentalize my life. When I’m on active duty and deployed, all the soft shit gets put away. It has to be. Otherwise the shit we do every day would cripple me, and I wouldn’t be able to do it.”

“So why do it, then?”

“Because it’s important, what we do. We’re the first line of defense against our enemies. And we have quite a few. Everyone wants what we have in this country, and they’re willing to kill to get it. I do it because it matters.”

“But you still didn’t tell me if you like it.”

James looked at me, and even in the moonlight, I felt the weight of his stare. “Being a SEAL isn’t what I do. It’s who I am. And yeah, I fucking love it, even with the stains on my soul.”

And while I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t help myself. I was drawn to James in a way I never had been with anyone else. Giving into desire, I leaned in and brushed my lips against his, craving the contact, needing him to understand that any dark spots on his soul didn’t bother me or make me think less of him.

But I wasn’t prepared for the buffet of sensations.

His lips were firm and tasted like beer. I started to retreat and end the brief kiss, but James cupped my nape to keep my lips prisoner. The rough callouses on his hands sent shivers cascading down my spine.

On a rough male groan, he slanted his mouth over mine. All my resistance faded away, and I was lost in him. His kiss reminded me of a shot of whiskey. It did this slow, smooth burn down my throat and into my belly, setting me aflame from the inside out.

And when his tongue plunged inside, tangling with mine, I went up in flames. The rest of the world ceased to exist. I began and ended with his lips on mine. Every part of my body responded and pulsed. I ached to feel his hands on me.

God, I wanted him.

I should stop this. I should back away. But how could I leave when it felt as if I’d been waiting for him my whole life?

Warning bells and alarms went berserk inside me, telling me I needed to put a stop to this. That I had to walk away right now. It was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do.

But for once in my life, I was going to be selfish. Because the thought of leaving and never knowing him was unfathomable. And I kissed him like I never wanted to let him go.

10

Present Day

Groaning, I turned the alarm off. And blinked up at the darkened ceiling of my bedroom. It felt like I’d finally gotten to sleep seconds before my alarm woke me up.

All night long, I tossed and turned, replaying my conversation with James, being bombarded by memories, and trying to prep myself for today. But I’d gotten little sleep.

It wasn’t my first sleepless night. Nor was it likely to be my last. Worrying came with the whole parenting gig. In fact, I think it was a requirement of the job.

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