Page 26 of The Cold Ride

With a new sense of purpose, I rose and started breakfast. While the quiches were in the oven, I checked on Amelia. She was already up and wore a smile that could light up the sun.

When the guys arrived for breakfast, James’s pleasure was evident because Amelia had the leather jacket he’d given her slung over the back of her chair. She’d already told me she was wearing it to school to show her friends what her dad had gotten her.

Amelia was soaking up having her dad in her life for the first time. And I shoved away back the guilt. It was a mistake I would carry. I only hoped she wouldn’t resent me as she grew. Because eventually I would have to tell her the truth.

I was the reason she hadn’t known her dad until now.

But I wasn’t going to worry about that now. I could only put one front in front of the other.

After breakfast, James went outside with us while we waited for Amelia’s bus. When it came rattling down the street, she gave me a hug and then James. And before she let him go, she asked, “You’ll be here when I get home from school? You’re not leaving yet, right?”

“I’m not going anywhere. Maybe you could show me some of your soccer moves when you get home.”

“Really?”

“Really. Now get going. The bus won’t wait forever,” James said.

“I know. Bye.” She raced over to the bus and bounded up the stairs. My heart felt light at seeing how happy she was.

We waved as the bus drove away.

“Does it ever get easier?”

“What?” I glanced at him.

“Watching her head off without you there to protect her.”

“Absolutely not. Until she was born, I never knew what true fear was or that I would second guess every single decision I made. I’m not saying it gets easier. I think you just get used to the discomfort. But the worry never fully goes away.”

“And here I used to tease my mom when she’d get teary-eyed every time I’d get deployed.”

I laughed. “Yeah, a kid has a way of bringing things full circle. But there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”

James rubbed at his chest. “The next time I’m home from deployment, I’d like to take her to Tennessee. Not on my Harley. I’ve got a truck back at my place on base. I’d like her to meet her grandparents and cousins.”

“As long as it’s not during school, I would be fine with that.”

“You won’t worry?”

“Of course I will. But I also won’t begrudge you the time you want to spend with her. If it’s during the school year, you’ll have a free room at the inn—or wherever we are. When she’s not in school, if you want her to come stay with you. I could fly down with her and you could fly with her back up. We’ll figure it out.”

“Huh.” He shook his head.

“What?”

“I didn’t think you’d be this amenable.”

“James, she’s your daughter too. It was wrong of me not to tell you about her. It was a decision I made at the time.”

“Why did you? I know I said some things to you the last time we spoke. But I can’t wrap my head around you keeping this from me. And I’m not trying to start a fight. I’m just trying to understand.”

“Once I realized I was pregnant, I came to see you. I went to that bar you guys always liked to go to. You were with your friends. You had your arm around some woman, and it looked like you were having the time of your life. I wanted that for you, even though it broke my heart to see you with another woman. And I didn’t know how to take that away from you. Being married to Evan all those years, I knew some of what you guys experienced on deployment. Not the classified stuff, Evan never divulged that, but he did tell me about some of the firefights. And I knew my pregnancy would have been a burden. So I left and came here. And I didn’t tell you.”

“Was it your way of getting back at me for being with another woman?”

“If you really think that of me, then you never knew me, James. Yes, it hurt. But I’m the one who messed things up with us. I know that. I’ve paid for it. And that night, I should have told you I was married to Evan. Even if I was on the cusp of asking him for a divorce. But I didn’t. I made a mistake. But I don’t regret that night, nor would I want to take it back. Because that night, Amelia was conceived, and I can’t imagine my life without her.”

James stared down at the concrete. “I don’t know that I can ever forgive you for keeping her from me.”

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