Page 30 of The Cold Ride

“Your mind is fucking with you. You and I know that anything is possible. That if we work at something and go after it with all we’ve got, we make it happen. Because what if it does mean something? What if those two are everything you’ve been searching for? Because I’m here to tell you, James, this is the first time I’ve seen a spark of life in you in years. And it’s not because of our road trip, but because of those two.”

Fuck. He was right. But then the fucker usually was. Being near her again, all my feelings, the ones I had buried way down deep had resurrected. And I’d been avoiding my feelings. Compartmentalizing them because it was the easier route than taking a hard look at how much Rory had hurt me. Her betrayal was acid on my tongue. “I don’t know if I can trust her.”

To me, trust was everything. It was the bedrock foundation of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. And once you lose that trust, even if it's only doubt cast upon that trust, then all you were doing was building castles in the sand. There was nothing firm backing it.

“Jesus. You need to deal with your issues. I’m ordering you to stay behind. Because don’t you think it’s worth finding out?”

“You’re ordering me? Are you fucking kidding me?” Why was I arguing when it was what I wanted anyway?

“Do I look like I fucking kidding? I’m still your commanding officer until you join your new unit at the end of the month. And I’m telling you that your place is here sorting your shit out. We’ll handle the last three letters. If nothing else, you stay here and get to know your kid.”

I grimaced. But I wouldn’t buck his orders. Wyatt never issued orders lightly. When he did, if someone tried to buck them, he made them pay for it. “Fine. I’ll stay and deal with my shit. But you guys are staying through Sunday?”

Wyatt slid his hands into his pockets with a wince. “No. That was only if you were dead set on going with us and we couldn’t talk you out of it. We’ll give it another day and then leave Friday morning.”

In two days, I would be alone with Rory and Amelia.

The prospect terrified me. Because without them here as a buffer, there was no telling what I would do.

14

On Friday morning, I woke up extra early because I wanted to do something nice for the guys. I’d already baked cookies for them last night to take on their drive. But I wanted to do more because they’d done so much for me in the few days they stayed. They’d put me weeks ahead on the inn rehab with all their help.

That’s why I found myself in my kitchen at five in the morning, baking muffins for them to take with them. I knew they didn’t have a ton of room and were traveling light, but I could give each guy a few for their bag.

It was the least I could do. They’d helped the plumbers get the job finished yesterday. The remodel was so much further along that it looked like the inn would be ready to accept bookings and host guests starting in mid-May, just as the spring and summer tourist season really kicked off. It was such a relief.

We had plenty more to accomplish in the weeks ahead, but I felt hopeful for the first time in weeks. Plus, James was staying behind to help and spend the rest of his leave time with Amelia.

It was good. Amelia had been aching for a father’s love, and James delivered in spades. He was so good with her. It made my heart happy and sad all in the same breath. Happy because Amelia adored the attention, soaking up everything he said and did like a sponge. She was already talking about how her dad was going to take her to Tennessee to meet her grandparents. And her dad was going to do this and that.

But it also made me incredibly sad because I’d cheated them out of nine years together. No one made me keep the knowledge of Amelia’s existence to myself. No one told me I’d be better off keeping my pregnancy quiet. That was all me.

Would Amelia hate me for this one day? Would James retaliate and tell Amelia the real reason he hadn’t been around?

Because he could. And it would destroy everything.

It wasn’t like we knew each other anymore. Yes, I had feelings for him. I would always have feelings for him. He had given me the best part of my life. I wouldn’t give her back for the world.

But as crazy as it might sound, I wanted a chance with James. The chance we didn’t get the first time. I know how majorly I messed up back then. I should have told him I was married to Evan. But god, he waltzed into my world, and I felt as if I’d been struck by lightning. And Evan and I had fought before the party over another infidelity on his part. It’s why I was down the beach away from the party—I was angry and upset and knew I was done, that my marriage was over. Because I couldn’t continue pretending I was fine with his philandering.

It didn’t excuse what I did. But in my mind, I felt justified. Righteous, even, and had tossed convention out the window. Because the way James looked and treated me had been like a comet streaking through my personal hell. And the sun had shone on me for the first time in years.

Once the muffins were in the oven, I popped in an egg casserole. It was identical to the one they’d loved their first morning here. I figured it was a good, hearty send-off for their road trip. While it was cooking, I went and got Amelia up for school. She helped me set the table before the guys came in.

And I would miss them. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed hanging out with these guys.

After breakfast, they said goodbye to Amelia before she boarded the bus. My daughter didn’t realize it, but she had a bunch of the toughest guys on the planet as bonus uncles. They’d made her feel special, even going so far as to give her their emails so she could stay in touch with them.

But then they were packed and ready to depart.

I joined them outside. It was a blustery morning with lots of cloud cover. I had sealed bags with the goodies for them. “Here’s some muffins and cookies for the road.”

Lucas put a hand over his heart. “Seriously going to have to come back here. I’d propose, except this one would murder me in my sleep.” He grinned, pointing his thumb at James.

“Ah, ah, move out of the way. I’ll fight you for her.” Aiden nudged him out of the way with a big, cheesy grin and gave me a hug.

“All right, you bozos, my turn.” Wyatt shooed them off and gave me a big bear hug, whispering in my ear. “If you want him, you’re going to have to be honest about everything. Don’t hold back. You understand?”

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