Page 57 of The Cold Ride

Rory spat, “That’s just it, James. You’re lost in your anger and pain. And you’ve got to fight your way out of it.”

“Like it’s that fucking easy for you?” I roared.

She sputtered. “Are you kidding me right now? You, of all people, know it’s a mental game. You have to want to get better. You have to fucking fight for it with your every last breath. You have to be willing to slice open every wound and battle scar. But you’d rather stay lost in your anger and heartbreak.”

I’d never seen this side of her. She swiped at her tears and stiffened her spine. “Get out. You have one hour to pack your things, and then I want you gone. You can do whatever you want to me. I’m tough, and I can take it. But I warned you, James, not to hurt her. And you’ve ignored my request. If this is some sick, twisted payback, then you really are fucked up beyond redemption. Get out of my home and out of my town.”

“I’m still Amelia’s father. I’m going to see her again.”

“Not without a lawyer, you’re not. Because I’m the one who gets to watch her heart break when I tell her that her father just couldn’t stick around.”

“We’ll see about that,” And then I walked out of her room and out of her life. Again.

23

10 Years Ago

Unease filled me as I headed over to his place on base. But it was mingled with excitement too, because I was going to see him again. He lived in one of the townhomes on base. I stood in front of his black front door, trying not to panic. I knew how badly I messed up. I should have been honest with him from the get-go. I prayed he would listen and allow me to explain.

Drawing every ounce of my courage, I rapped my fist against the solid wood.

James answered the door in a tee and black basketball shorts. He took one look at me and scowled. Dark thunderclouds entered his eyes. He snarled, “What the fuck are you doing here, Rory? Why aren’t you at home with your husband?”

Swallowing past the lump of fear in my throat, I pleaded, “If I could have just a few minutes of your time. I need to explain.”

“Explain how you lied when I asked if you were there with anyone? Explain that you are married to one of my friends? Just exactly what do you have to explain?”

I didn’t want to have this conversation on his front porch, but he wasn’t going to let me in. At the hard set to his shoulders, I knew he would bar me from entering.

“Evan and I are getting divorced, James. And I didn’t tell you because I was pissed at Evan and myself. I walked in on him cheating on me in our bed, and I lost it. He forced me to go to the party, but it was the last place I wanted to be.”

He scowled in disbelief. “Is that it? Because I saw you with him after we fucked. You guys looked cozy. I didn’t see someone who was remorseful about their infidelity.”

“James, I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” I begged as he slipped away from me, the future I’d hoped to have with him crashing and burning before my eyes.

“I have a hard and fast rule, Rory. I don’t put up with liars. So whatever this was or could have been, it’s done now. If you don’t mind, I was just getting ready to sit down and eat dinner.” He turned to head back inside.

I gripped his forearm. “So that’s it. You’re not even going to give us a chance?”

He shook me off with ease. “If the shoe was on the other foot, would you give me a chance?”

He threw me a curveball that I wasn’t ready for. I opened my mouth and moved my lips like a guppy tossed on land. If I discovered he was married, it would have crushed me. Totally destroyed my heart and soul.

Disgust filled his features as he shook his head. “I thought so. Have a nice life.” And he left me standing alone on his front porch.

In a daze at the catastrophic destruction, I stumbled off his porch, walking on wobbly legs to my car. With tears in my eyes and my hands shaking, I drove away from his place with my heart bleeding out. But I grabbed my phone and called the number I had programmed into my phone earlier that day.

“Hello,” a male voice answered on the third ring.

“Hi Henry, it’s Rory Ryder. I’d like to accept the position if it’s still available.” I had to get away from this place and all the memories. I’d loved and lost the one man I could see myself with forever over my own stupidity. And I had to get as far away from this state as possible.

Otherwise, I’d be on his doorstep every day, begging him to forgive me. And I knew, in the dark depths of my soul, that he never would.

24

The moment James left the house, I crumpled into a pile of tears. I really thought we had a chance. I should have destroyed those letters. I should have kept that knowledge to myself. Because then at least he would still be here. And it shocked me that I could feel pain this intense and not die. I sobbed my broken heart out.

Shattered. My heart fractured in a million jagged pieces. My soul obliterated. And when I thought about the desolate future ahead of me without him, I didn’t want to get out of bed ever again. I didn’t understand why my life had been nothing but a series of difficult, impossible choices. Because I knew if I had told James back then that I was married to Evan, he never would have touched me. And without that night, Amelia wouldn’t exist.

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