Page 58 of The Cold Ride

And that was unfathomable.

In the morning, the picture didn’t look any better. It looked worse. I knew what my lonely future looked like because I’d been living it these past ten years. And the worst part was that I did everything he accused me of. My eyes were gritty from the tears I shed. I moved like a zombie on autopilot, tossing out the ruined meal and cleaning up the kitchen. The special meal I’d cooked for him went into the garbage. I wish it was that easy to fix me and my life.

Because I knew he wouldn’t be back. And I wanted to hate him. He couldn’t see past the end of his self-righteous fervor to what was right in front of him. Yes, I’d hurt him. But that didn’t give him the right to hurt Amelia.

Maybe I didn’t deserve a second chance. Maybe too much damage had been done. And perhaps I needed to thank my lucky stars for the time I did get with him. And one day, years from now, maybe I could move on and wouldn’t love him.

But it would be a long time coming, if ever.

James’s appearance in my life had been like a comet streaking across the sky. He’d indelibly changed me. And he gave me the best part of my life. I would take comfort in that and ignore the broken shards of my heart until I didn’t notice them anymore.

While I cleaned, I watched the clock. Amelia would be home from her sleepover soon. And I was terrified. What would this do to my girl? Would she recover from her father’s absence? Or would this be a wound that she carried all the days of her life?

I didn’t know. And the unknown quotient set me on edge.

I prayed she didn’t ingest this hurt. That she wound up recovering from this heartbreak in time. But I also knew her, knew what a sensitive soul she was and how happy it had made her having him in her life. His leaving without saying goodbye would destroy her.

It was my fault. And I would have to own up to my part in it. Would she hate me too before the day was over?

At the sound of the door opening, I tensed. Damn you, James.

“Mom. Dad. Where are you guys?” Amelia’s melodic voice called out. She slammed the door shut behind her. I heard the enthusiasm in her voice.

“I’m in the kitchen, baby.” And I wanted to vomit. I blinked back the sudden onslaught of tears. Smoothing my hands on my jeans, I inhaled a deep breath.

Once she was in bed tonight, I’d treat myself to a drink and a good cry. Until then, I was on mom duty. And my wants and needs had to take a back seat.

She skipped into the room with a thousand-watt smile. She glanced around. “Hey, where’s Dad?”

“Baby, have a seat.”

At my tremulous smile, she asked, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, baby, you didn’t.” I sat beside her, holding her hand.

“Where’s Dad?” Her bottom lip trembled.

“Baby, your dad got called into work and had to leave. He wanted to tell you goodbye himself, but he couldn’t stay.” Her face fell. And I cursed James. How could he do this to our daughter? I was going to call him and give him a piece of my mind after this. He can be done with me, but to abandon Amelia like this was a million shades of wrong.

“He’s gone? But when will he be back?” Her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m not sure. He didn’t have an idea. He’ll be back to see you again, though.” And if he didn’t, I would hunt him down myself and give him a piece of my mind. Because no one treats my kid with such callous disregard and gets away with it.

“How can you be sure, Mom? What if he doesn’t want me? What if I wasn’t good enough?” Her tears were flowing freely now.

At that, I lifted her onto my lap and hugged her tight, my heart breaking all over again while cursing James at the same time. “Now you listen to me. You’re more than good enough. And he’s your father. He will call you. But baby, he’s in the military and will be away a lot.”

“I love him, Mom. I didn’t want him to go.” She sobbed against my shoulder. Her little body shuddered with the depth of her sorrow.

“I know, baby. I didn’t either. I love him too.” A few tears snuck down my cheeks while she burrowed against me. I consoled our daughter, reassuring her that her father loved her and he would be back to spend time with her.

But I didn’t know if he would ever come back. Not when he assuredly hated me now.

25

How the fuck could he have known and not told me?

The two of them had cheated me out of years of Amelia’s life. And I didn’t know how to reconcile my feelings for Rory with the sting of betrayal.

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