Page 135 of When You Wish Upon a Wideout

“What are you—”

“No, Mom. It might not be anemia next time. And maybe it’ll be really bad next time. And... I want to know what it’s like for someone to look atmelike I have stars in my eyes, like I didn’t just hang the moon, like Iamthe moon.That’show Beau looked at you on the field. It was instant. What if I never get a love like that?” Grace’s eyes welled with tears and her lips trembled as she fought to keep them at bay. “I thought maybe seeing it in real life instead of reading it in books or watching it on TV would be the next best thing.”

Oh, Grace. My sweet, Grace.

Sienna tugged Grace against her, cradling her pixie cut. “You’re going to have that kind of love andbetter. I swear, I’ll fight as hard as I can to give you that chance if I have to, alright? But don’t settle for what’s in there. Trust me. You deserve more.”

“So do you,” Grace said, breaking Sienna’s hold. “That’swhy he stayed. To give you more.”

Beau had given Sienna hope based on deceit, but he had given her an important reminder too.“Maybe she was your walking miracle. You just didn’t know it.”

Sienna ran her hand along the smooth, hard cover before pushing the diary aside, tugging her daughter onto on the bed, and lifting the duvet over them.

Front to back, Sienna smoothed Grace’s hair, which stuck out in different directions from wearing her wig cap earlier, exactly how it grew in as a baby. That head of hair started off light brown and only grew lighter and lighter, until it matched Sienna’s. And like then, Grace’s hairwasgrowing, just as she was now.

When Grace’s sniffles and shaky breaths fell into even, peaceful slumber, Sienna pressed her nose to her daughter’s and whispered, “You never had to look for one, Grace. You were the miracle all along.”

saving grace

Dear Mom,

I used to count the days since Beau left. It’s been over two years. But a few weeks ago, I stopped counting. I didn’t mean to. It sort of happened. Well, let me fill you in on what went down until that point.

I did graduate from high school, but I flunked out of college. If I’m being honest, I did it on purpose. Because being at school in Austin only reminded me that I wasn’t at FSU, where I had planned to transfer to be with Beau eventually. I didn’t care about class, exams, or papers. I never said no to a party or even a guy.

I’m not proud, thinking about my behavior. But for so many days, I felt numb, similar to how I did right after you died. I guess that’s because Beau took a piece of me when he left. And I was searching for it wherever and with whomever I could. I was desperate to be put back together, filled up. And isn’t it ironic that I felt more complete as a virgin with Beau than I did after the second or third guy I had sex with?

On my intense, wild quest to feel, there was a guy. And we spent the night together. And after weeks of not giving him a second thought, I realized pretty quickly I was going to be thinking of him very often. That’s because I was pregnant.

Before I told anyone, I spent many nights wondering if I should end the pregnancy. I barely graduated from high school. I had no plans to go back to college. I was working at Maloney’s in town most nights. And the guy gave me an envelope with less than $200 and told me to take care of it. My thoughts were suffocating, constantly making my heart race, my palms sweat. I hadn’t gone up to the roof since Beau left. But one night, when I couldn’t breathe, I went up there, and boom, as if it had been waiting for me to lower my head to the shingles, a shooting star soared above.

I kept the baby, and even though I was nervous, there are no doubts that it was the right thing to do. When she was born, I stopped counting the days that had passed. That’s because I’m exhausted, sure. But it’s because I don’t need to remember the last day I was happy, whether when you were still here or Beau was. This little girl with a head full of hair and curled-up fingers and toes beside me in bed is all the happiness I need. I can’t even remember what life was like without her—the good, the bad, all of it.

She also taught me something about forgiveness. I finally forgive you, Mom. I forgive you for thinking we could handle the world without you, that our need for a mother didn’t matter in your mind. I can finally say that out loud because I understand your love for us. It’s all encompassing and consuming. It’s as high as the sky and as deep as the ocean that one day I’ll take her to. It’s as magical as fireworks at Disney World, more delicious than Dole Whips. Thinking about her as she’s nestled beside me, how she’ll grow and dream and change the world must be the same kind of high you feel flying—endless.

But for now, I’ll enjoy the sleepless nights and cuddles. One day she’ll be a teenager and won’t want anything to do with me.

I won’t write here again. I only wanted to let you know I forgive you, Mom. Because I understand now how heavy your pain must’ve been to walk away from a love like this. I know it wasn’t that you didn’t think me, Henry, or Dad mattered. You were in such a dark place you couldn’t see how muchyoumattered to us. I’m sorry it took me this long to see it.

Her birth didn’t go exactly as planned. She’s stubborn already, and after twenty hours of labor, the doctor told me they needed to go in and get her. Henry was with me during the c-section because Dad is so afraid of blood. We were both so nervous, and Henry asked if he could play some music. Do you know what was playing when she was born, Mom? “Amazing Grace”—Johnny Cash’s version, your favorite. I feel silly writing all this to you now because I know you were with me in that moment. If I closed my eyes, I could hear you humming out of tune above the music from the kitchen in Nashville. It was always our favorite sound, even if we teased you about it.

She’s our saving Grace. It feels like we’re a family again, thanks to her.

Don’t worry about us. We’re going to be alright.

I love you forever,

Sienna

chaptertwenty-two

“You dragged major ass today.”Giles eyed Beau as they walked shoulder to shoulder down the hall to the locker room. “What’s got your panties in a bunch?”

Beau didn’t just drag ass. He ran the wrong routes, and his steps were off. On the routes he did run correctly, he flexed his hands too early, which led to the ball bouncing hard off his palms.

Pushing the door open with a grunt, Beau shook his head. “Nothing,” he spat at his teammate. “I’m fine.”

I’m fine even though I’m sleeping one hour on, two hours off. I’m fine even though I can hardly eat. Everything tastes the same—bland.He grimaced, thinking of the last delicious thing he had eaten—the blueberry donut he had split with Grace as she set up the Scrabble board and Molly climbed into the bed, sitting opposite her.

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