Page 99 of Off Court Fix

I shrug, the bathwater splashing slightly with the movement, and for the first time, I wonder what Crosby gets out of this beyond the obvious. It started out sexily secretive. But we were standing on shallow shores in the beginning. Neither of us could ignore the magnetic pull. But I don’t know at what point we both jumped into the deep end, threatened to be drowned by past demons and heavy, present emotions. And it makes me squirm in the tub because I hate that I find myselfneedinganother person in my life that I would have to sacrifice part of myself to be with. It’s cyclical.

In the past and present, to have my father’s love and approval—his merepresence—I sacrifice my autonomy.

In the future, to be with Crosby, I’ll sacrifice my reputation and all the hard,painfulwork I’ve put in to build it.

None of it seems fair.

“Maybe you should care,” I tell him.

“Maybe you should let someone put you first for once in your life,” Crosby immediately growls before tsking and shaking his head. “If you think I was about to leave you alone tosuffer, the bum ankle isn’t your only problem. There must be something wrong with that pretty little head of yours.”

I look down because it’s all too much. The tournament was too much. The pain, even though it’s dulled, is too much. And Crosby looking at me as he says those words is more than I can take.

“I shouldn’t have played,” I admit my mistake. “Maybe my dad was wrong aboutwhyI shouldn’t but...”

Crosby has propped up my bad foot on a bed of towels at the tub’s edge, but I bend my other knee and lean forward, resting my cheek on it while facing him.

Crosby shakes his head and lifts the soft, undone swoop of his hair from his forehead with the back of his hand. “You didn’t tell me how bad it is.”

“It’s bad all the time,” is all I can offer.

He squints in confusion. “I can’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself. Or why you won’t take anything.”

My eyes leave his. “That’s how it started with Mason. He tore his ACL in high school.”

I have to shake my head to clear the cloudy nightmare visions from my mind. I don’t want to remember what that was like, how he seemingly went from my older brother hero to a full-blown addict I didn’t recognize overnight.

“Maxine.” Crosby’s voice is soft but assertive. “You’re two different people.”

“Two different people cut from the same stock,” I remind him, but then I remember he probably has no idea. “We have the same Mom. He knew her, I didn’t. I don’t remember a thing about her. Mason used to say don’t even waste energy thinking about her. And meanwhile, he was growingintoMom.”

Crosby shuffles forward, brushing wet hair from my face. “You aren’t either of them.”

“I could be.”

He shakes his head, clearly frustrated. “I don’t want to invalidate your feelings—”

“Then don’t.”

“You’re being reckless, playing if you’re injured. That’s just stupid. And there’s no reason good enough that you should have to live through evenmoderatepain without help.”

I let out a laugh, thinking about the morning at the beach. “You’re the one who told me to toughen up.”

Crosby’s eyes drift to my ankle. “I didn’t mean like this. And you know it.”

“Some things, they’re worth the pain.”

“Are they?” he asks, and I bite my lip.

“Maybe I’m not injured,” I begin and then shrug against my knee, closing my eyes when Crosby runs a warm washcloth over my back. “Maybe I’m just permanently broken, forever weak.”

Something presses against my nose, and I lift my lids to find Crosby’s face in front of me.

“You’re not,” he begins and sighs. “What you did on the court tonight... and seeing you now...” A large hand cups the back of my neck. “You’re the toughest son of a bitch I know.”

I want to laugh, but my lip immediately puckers into a pout. “I don’t feel so tough,” I admit as I lean closer to him, hating the emotion that bubbles in my throat and the way it strains my voice. I sniffle. “Don’t tell anyone that, though. Our secret, okay?”

Crosby presses his lips to mine as he brings one hand to banish the tears that have begun to fall. “Our secret.”

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