Page 28 of Tides That Bind

“I don’t need you to baby me,” I tell her, looking down at the sweatpants that must be Finn’s because they’re too shortfor me. “You’re my little sister. I’ll be out of here in a few days.”

Finn clicks off the TV and gets up off the couch and Caroline folds her arms over her chest.

“You’re not going back to The Shack. If you do, I’ll report you and we’ll get fined. It’s a retail space, not housing.”

“Who said I’m going back to work?”

Now that I slept on a real mattress, I’ll never go back to a futon.

Finn sighs. “Where are you going to go, Riley?”

I purse my lips together. “Somewhere. I gotta get my stuff though. you take me to get my car?” Finn brought it to the beach not long after the funeral.

“Now? It’s almost ten. Harper is probably sleeping. It’s a Tuesday night.” Caroline shakes her head, taking the empty orange juice bottle to the sink and rinsing it out. She’s about to dry her hands before she stops, reaching over for the small vase of flowers, lifting the stems and dumping the water before holding it under the tap and refilling it.

It’s Tuesday.

Tulip Tuesday.

My fingertips flutter against the ghost of the petals in the water. I wonder how many tulip Tuesdays I’ve missed.

“Riley?” Finn calls my name.

“What did you say?”

“I’ll take you tomorrow. Why don’t you eat something?”

I shake my head. “I just need a ride.”

When I unlock the apartment door and step inside, I anticipate being hit with stale air, maybe some awful smell from something I left in the mini-fridge that doesn’t even work all that well to begin with. Instead, I find the window cracked to let fresh air in.The bed I don’t think I’ve ever made more than just pulling up the comforter, is pristine—sheets and blankets pulled tight and tucked in, pillows fluffed.

I reach for one, lifting it to my nose. The faintest scent of laundry detergent lingers and I notice how there are no creases in the pillowcase. They’re crisp, like someone ironed them along with the abundance of clothes that I must’ve left in the dryer. They’re folded and stacked neatly, sitting on the only chair I have.

The room is littered with Harper’s invisible fingerprints. And I don’t know how I should feel. She shouldn’t look after my space after everything and even more so, after my absence. But she did.

Why?

I did come here for my belongings, but there’s one thing in particular. I step over to the end table by my bed that also doubles as a bar cart and pull open the drawer. It’s as I left it, which means its untidy and full of an array of things—condoms, a bottle opener and a bunch of loose papers. But beneath all of them, I find the envelope Nate gave me on the day he deployed.

Riley—

I hate writing this in a way you’ll never really understand even though it’s not going to be that kind of letter. This isn’t me asking you to take care of Harper after I’m gone. I’m asking you to take care of her when I can’t. There’s a difference. I won’t be able to now, but if you want me to get out of Afghanistan, I need to know someone is, and that someone has to be you.

I know you two can get into it like cats and dogs. But I also know you’re the best man I know.So do me a favor and be kind to her. Look after the house, take outthe trash, all that stuff. But make sure she’s doing a little more than just okay, especially now that she’s pregnant. And here’s the most important thing—on Tuesdays, pick up a bouquet of tulips. I’ve never missed a week. I say this because I love you, but do me a favor and set a reminder in your phone.

Now, I said it wouldn’t be this kind of letter, but I figured you wouldn’t read it if I opened with my contingency plan.

If I don’t make it, do me another favor. Don’t move out, or at least not for a while. Be there for her, even if Harper doesn’t want it. She’ll just need to know someone’s there. And my son? Just make sure he knows the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was say goodbye to him before he ever said hello to me. Tell him I loved the idea of him before he ever existed and my favorite sound in the world is his heart beating inside of his mom. I want you to teach him to surf and ride a bike if I can’t. But the most important thing for you to do is to teach him to be a good friend like you’ve been to me.

You won’t have to remind Harper that I love her madly and she’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, but if she’s having a tough day, it might help her to hear it.

I hope you never have to do any of this, but there’s no one I’d want to look out for my family than you.

See you soon, man.

Nate

I fold the letter and slide it into the envelope. We never talkedabout it after he came home, but I know he knew I never missed a Tuesday.

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