Page 72 of Tides That Bind

“I mean forthisreason?”

“I don’t know. If you found out it took me five years to get through law school and three times to pass the Bar, would you?”

“I’m not right now. Not one bit,” I answer honestly butinside, I feel terrible. “You shouldn’t be scrutinized because youlearndifferently.”

Riley picks at an imaginary spot on his shorts. “I was though. My whole life.”

He speaks so matter-of-factly, like being treated differently for being different is to be expected. I’m bothered by it. And I have to take a deep breath because I wonder if I’ve really just treated Riley poorly for being different too. The realization makes my stomach sour even if it wasn’t intentional. I spent years thinking he was plagued by Peter Pan syndrome, a man who outright refused to grow up, to actually be a man.

Maybe Riley was just scared to grow up.

“You shouldn’t have been punished, especially by your family. You should be celebrated,” I tell him. “I mean, look at what you’ve accomplished.”

“Hello, pot.” Riley pokes me in the arm. “Meet kettle.”

“I didn’t even graduate high school.”

“You run your own business.”

I know I can work hard, but at the end of the day, my business doesn’t lend itself necessarily to doing something meaningful. Not like what Riley is about to do.

Maybe I need to work on my poker face, because Riley seems to read my thoughts.

“You made the greatest kid there is.”

Lucas is my biggest accomplishment. But if there’s anything I realized since the incident at the dog park and the way Lucas welcomed Riley home is that Riley had a hand in that accomplishment too. And I feel guilty for never acknowledging that before.

“Thank you for helping me with him. And I’m not just talking about recently. I mean…” I take a shaky breath. “Since the beginning.”

Riley recoils from me in surprise and I don’t blame him. “Did you take something today? You’re being awfully nice to me.”

Without thinking I reach out and rest my hand on top ofRiley’s. Beneath my palm I feel the scar from his surgery. “I mean it.”

There’s something that is so warm and comforting about Riley in this moment and I’m tempted to do another thing I’m not sure I ever have before—I want to hug him, to hold on tightly.

I used to think Riley was the chaos. But now, when life is chaotic, when perfection flips upside down and backwards, Riley is constant and unchanging. He's now my calm, safe place within the chaos and more, within the unknown.

Riley flips his hand and links his fingers with mine and I look down to see how easily we might fit when we let it happen. A gentle squeeze of his hand sends a warmth up my arm and when I look, I find two forest green eyes already staring. I can’t help but wonder if he’s thinking the same as me—what if?

What if we knew each other as individuals instead of who we were when tied to each other by another?

Riley’s face comes into clearer view, as if I’m seeing him for the first time in high definition instead of through a grainy video. That’s what happens, I realize, when walls fall and honesty flows. And what I see in Riley is someone misunderstood, someone who doesn’t simply march to the beat of his own drum. He’s just a man who functions and learns differently.

But the lines etched into his skin around his mouth and beneath his textured beard let me know he laughs the same. And the pain in his eyes as he leans forward…it lets me know he hurts the same.

Instead of being tied together because of Nate, we’re bound together because of his absence. This loss—it’soursto comfort each other through. That’s what I want, to be close to maybe the only one who understands how deep this grief is. I want Riley swimming beside me so we reach the surface together.

And right now, neither of us move closer, but we don’t pull away either. We sit, so close I can smell his breath sweet from the beer, count the array of the lightest freckles spanning across thebridge of his nose, notice for the first time the depth of the green of his eyes.

It took several years and one tragedy for me to see the beauty hiding behind Riley’s rugged features, and one simple conversation to understand maybe he never was who I thought. Maybe he was just afraid to show me who he really is. Or who he really could be.

There’s a sweep of his gaze across my face, an invisible stroke I swear I can feel everywhere. Maybe it’s the beer or the refreshing honesty, but I swear, I feel it across my lips.

It's only when I feel the need to clear my throat that I realize Riley's gaze took my breath away.

“Mutually assured destruction forced a change in my attitude,” I answer his earlier question. “I mean, I did tell you my secret.” I drop his hand.

Riley chuckles. “Ah, right. Circus freak.”

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