Page 75 of Tides That Bind

I press my lips together, wanting to be gentle, to avoid fillingLucas's young mind with the same images that plague my own. And like Harper will lie about the tooth fairy, about Santa Claus, I’ll lie to keep my best friend’s kid a kid for just a moment longer.

“Maybe it’s kind of like another adventure you get to take. A really special one.”

Lucas tips his head. “Better than all the adventureshere?”

“No, just different.” My eyes find Harper in the doorway. “There couldn’t be anything better than the adventure he had with you.”

Lucas smiles sleepily, lifting his arm and reaching for Black Panther who I have stuck in my pocket. I hand it to him, pulling up the covers before I turn off the light, heading out of his room and into the hallway where Harper leans against the wall. I take the paper she holds out with one hand as I pull Lucas's door almost shut with the other.

I don’t want to live here anymore.

I crumple the note. “He’s a kid. He doesn’t mean it.”

Harper folds her arms over her chest and says nothing and I recall our earlier conversation in the backyard during the afternoon, how Harper talked about dreaming of running away as a child because anything was better than what she had. And then she succeeded.

“Whatever you’re thinking, tonight isn’t close, so stop it.”

Harper doesn’t listen. “When I ran away, I didn’t have anyone to go to.”

“Harper—"

“I’m just happy he has you, Riley.”

The words leave Harper’s mouth with a small tremble and my heart spasms inside my chest.

“I really wish he had more than me,” I counter. It’s hard to find joy in Harper’s words. There’s just so much to hate aboutthe past few months that it feels wrong to find any kind of happiness.

I hate that Nate is gone, and Tides too. And worse, I hate that Lucas has to struggle with it and Harper alongside him.

I hate,hate, the pools of tears in Harper’s eyes accompany her expression of gratitude. And worse, I hate that it makes me kind of happy.

I’m happy when she steps away from the wall, she wraps her arms around me, that my bearded chin grows damp from her still-wet hair when she presses her cheek to my chest.

And even though the small convulsions of her body are like the sharpest daggers puncturing me, I smile when I hold her back.

Happy doesn’t cut it now. And it’s not just about having someone to hold on to. I’m overjoyed that tonight, both Harper and Lucas choseme.

My mind tells me to pull back, that it feels too good to hold Harper but maybe even better to be held by her, but I let my heart win this one. It needs the victory more than my mind and more than anyone could possibly understand…except for her.

And for a few minutes as we float amongst tides of tragedy and loss and sorrow and the unknown, I let myself forget that I hate how we got here in the first place. But that’s not easy. Because even though Harper and I hold each other like there’s room for no one and nothing between us, we both know that a ghost could slip right in.

But even though Nate floats through the back of my mind, I don’t move away. Because my shirt bunches in Harper’s hands as she clutches me. She needs this. She needs me.

And yet, it’s not enough.

“I’ll teach you to surf.”

Harper tightens her arms around my middle. I anticipate a short squeeze of appreciation, but she doesn’t loosen her hold on me.

“Thank you, Riley,” she mumbles against me.

This time, I didn’t need the words. The action said it all.

I make it about 15 feet from the shore and drop my board, cursing myself.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

To teach Harper how to surf, at some point, I’ll probably get in the water. And still, pushing three months after Nate died, I can’t.

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