Page 95 of Tides That Bind

I reach down, turning the air on full blast. Caroline is right here, because Riley and I did use her pool to practice most of the week. But I’ve been good. Unlike the first day, any time I landed in water, I swam away from Riley instead of toward him.

Even though it feels unnatural, I do it. Because the closeness I experienced the other day felt too natural, and it confuses me.

I think back to the days before Nate died, when Riley’s presence bothered me constantly, when I’d be happy to walk out of a room after he entered it without giving it a second thought.

And now? It takes a lot of thinking and effort to leave his side. Every part of me screams when I force myself to leave the beach instead of hanging around for just a few more minutes. Igrip the banister tightly as I go upstairs every night, leaving him at the dining room table to work.

“Don’t you know?” I joke. “I’m a surfer now.”

“Here I am thinking surfers surf at the beach and not in a pool,” she quips.

I shrug. “We’re entering a competition. We need some practice”—I pause—“a lotof practice and we can only do it between my classes and when Lucas is in school.”

Caroline hums, but I can tell just by the sound she doesn’t quite believe me.

“It’s a tandem surfing competition. You’re in pairs on one board—”

“I know what tandem surfing is,” Caroline interjects. “What I don’t get is why you and Riley are doing it together.”

I press my lips together. “He just…it’s for Lucas.”

We stop at a light and Caroline raises her eyebrows. “For Lucas?”

“Do you know he’s afraid of the water?” Caroline’s face immediately softens. “Nate promised this year he’d teach him to surf. But hedied.”

Maybe my tone is too harsh, but I continue, feeling defensive I have to justify anything to anyone, especially Caroline, after all I went through.

But in my gut, I know I’m feeling defensive because part of me believes I’m doing something wrong.

“I want to be the one to teach him. And I want him to see Riley had a part in that too because Riley is family. I want to go through with the competition even though we’ll come in last place because I want him to see that as scary as the water can be, it can be just as exciting and fun. That’s why we’re doing it. And you know something? It would be nice for him to see Riley and me working on something together. It would be nice to show Lucas he doesn’t just have a mother…” I trail off. Riley will never replace Nate as Lucas's father. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t belong with us.

“He has a family too. That’s why I want to get back to doing cookouts. I want you and Finn there, Claire,Riley. I want Lucas to know he still has a family even if it looks different now.”

My chest rises and falls quickly and Caroline reaches out to take my hand from my lap. “I didn’t mean anything by it, I swear. I was only teasing. I know there’s nothing going on with you and Riley.”

My stomach knots.

“And I know,” Caroline continues, “That Riley loves Lucas. I know he’s doing all this stuff to get Tides back just for him.”

Caroline’s tone changes. I hear the worrying.

“And youreallydon’t think it’s too much?”

“Too much?” Caroline asks, tilting her head to the side. “Or too hard?”

“No, that’s not what I mean. Just…I know he struggled. And he is a lawyer, I’m not doubting that. But he’s never—“I pause, trying to think of the right words—"lawyered before.”

“It’s good for him to have this. I get sad sometimes. I don’t want you to think I don’t get sad thinking aboutyou. Or Lucas. But I feel bad, because Riley also lost his person, you know? So it’s just…good he has something else to focus on.”

I nod gently. “He lost his person but still has his people though,” I whisper, squeezing her hand. “We all do.”

THEN

“Pants?”I pull out a pair of jeans and wave them at Harper. She’s sitting on the bed on top of a towel rocking back and forth. And she’s quiet. Too fucking quiet. “Harper. What about pants?”

She looks at the jeans. “Those don’t fit. They’re not maternity.”

I’m well aware maternity clothes are stretchy—or so I think—but right now I don’t know what’s what. All I can think about is how we should be at the hospital. That’s what they said when I called because Harper was crying so hard. After I hung up and calmed her down, after one more contraction, she started rambling again about a hospital bag. But what does she need there anyway? Won’t she be wearing a paper gown?

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