Page 22 of The Confidant

After everything with Asher and the guilt of not knowing something that had been happening right down the hall from me, I started paying more attention to what they needed. I never want something like that to happen again. To anyone. In the middle of it all, I lost myself. My self-care was non-existent.

“I don’t want you worrying about it,” she insists firmly. “Don’t make someone up just to get attention.”

“Wow,” I mumble in shock. This is a lot farther than she’s ever gone before. “You think I’d do that?”

“Just like dying your hair?” She reminds me grimly. It’s like she’s trying to lead me to a realization, and I’m not following. “To look more like us?”

She’s the one who wanted that first, not me. She taught me to dye my hair and ordered me colored contacts so I’d look more like her other children. I knew it was wrong as a kid, and I still let her do it to keep the peace. I even tried out losing my accent because everyone else was doing it. Until I hit my rebellious faze and decided to keep it.

“You aren’t like us. I can see it every time I look at you.”

Tears well up in my eyes because I know exactly what she means.

I see my father’s genes, even when I dye my hair blond. Every time I put in contact lenses to darken the blue of my eyes; I see it. I stopped doing the contacts, at least, but the hair still lingers like an obsession.

Hearing her say it directly to me is agonizing. It’s one thing to wonder if that’s why she’s been so down on me all these years. It’s another thing to have it confirmed without a shred of remorse.

My heart cracks, the tiniest bit, to let pain come out.

I try to ignore her remark as she continues, but it’s hard.

“We all know you moved to be close to Asher. And the tattoo thing? It’s a way to get closer to him.”

“I don’t see it that way,” I protest with a frown. “Yeah, I had the idea about tattoos because of Ash, but I’ve been drawing forever. I love it, Maman. It’s rewarding for me.”

“It’s a bandage that’s keeping you from seeing who you really are. It’s time for you to take it off and live your own life. You can’t follow Asher around forever.”

“I’m not following Asher,” I protest uselessly. It always comes back to this, and I can’t explain to her the real reason why I’m here. I didn’t want to tell her before, and that decision has paid off ever since she started getting worse. I can only imagine what she would come up with if she knew I left because I couldn’t deal with her manipulations every day.

“I want you to think before you do anything. I mean it. Don’t cause waves for him.”

“How is this me making waves?” I ask, baffled by how this conversation has gotten twisted all around.

I foolishly thought she might be excited. It’s solid proof that my life doesn’t revolve around Asher.

Instead, it’s a lie made up for attention and jealousy because I’mnot like them.

“It’s not going to happen for you, girlie. There’s no soulmate out there for you. There’s not enough Broussard in you for it.”

I almost choke on that one. The knife that digs into my heart leaves me bleeding inside, where no one can see.

Not enough Broussard? I’mherdaughter, too. How can she say that?

This concentrated hate is nothing like what she’s ever done before. I’m used to small, belittling comments. Reminders that my roots are showing, or ignoring my good grades on a report card, while she threw parties for anyone else who got more than a C.

I thought I hurt then.Thisis total agony that I don’t know if I can come back from.

My shocked silence allows her to go on.

“Don’t discuss this with your siblings. I don’t want you embarrassed by it.”

Not enough Broussard. That’s her maiden name. We all have it ever since her divorce, even after she married Joseph.

Does that mean she thinks I’m more like my biological dad than just in looks? How is that possible? And she wants me to keep it to myself so I won’t be ashamed like she is?

Where did my sweet Maman go?

I can barely remember what she was like before our world flipped upside down. I just remember her smiling at me. When was the last time she smiled at me like that?

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