Page 16 of Contrition

“But I want to.”

God, I felt like I was being nailed into the ground. I deserved every single hit, though. My own voice cracked as I spoke next. “I hope you do.”

Seconds passed. I could have sworn that I even dozed off as the silence wore into minutes—maybe even hours. Her warmth surrounded me, and though her trembling never stopped, it did lessen from genuine fear and more into anxious thrumming. Though, I was somehow wide awake in a second when she spoke next. “Zack?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll always love you, too.”

My mind flew to the memory immediately. The absolute coward and lame ass note I had left her when…when I left us.

I’m sorry

But I will always love you. And I’ll come back for you when I’m ready.

Zack

“I meant it,” I whispered as I tucked my mouth into her hair. Kissing the crown of her head. “I’m just so sorry I didn’t come back soon enough.”

“Yeah. You were too late for a lot of things.”

And like fate, another thunderstorm crack sounded—right as I felt a crack split down the center of my chest. I don’t know what all I had missed exactly, but I would find out, one way or another. She jumped as lightning flit through the room again, though I only held her close and kept my lips in her hair. My mind raced as I thought about what I could possibly do to take her mind off of the raging storm. Until…

“Estrella?”

“Hmm?”

“You remember what I used to do when we were biding time for the thunderstorms to calm down? All those years ago?”

She tensed in my arms. “Oh, fuck you.”

I chuckled. “Hey. I know you hate me and all, but you’re still right here. Right in my arms. Right where I need you to be. You can’t blame a guy for thinking about the past.”

“You’re thinking about finger-fucking me to take my mind off of a thunderstorm…when we were literally just talking about how you shattered my heart and irrevocably changed me.”

My fingers twitched against her side. I loved when she called me out on my shit. It’s what made me and Theo fall in love with her. One of the things, anyway. “Yeah. And eating you out. And I’m thinking about how good you taste, and how badly I wish I could make you shake in a different way right now.”

“You’re not playing fair in the slightest,” she groaned. I had the faintest suspicion she’d be blushing if I could see her face in the dark.

“I’m just talking. I never said I was a saint.”

“Bésame el trasero.”

I barked out a laugh. “That’s what I want to do, yes.”

“Y-You learned Spanish?”

“We both did. Theo and I. It’s a part of you, so it’s a part of us, too.”

She huffed. “No.”

“Well, at least you haven’t lost your stubborn quality. I think you should let me distract you, though. I think it’ll help you sleep. You’re the one who actually has to work tomorrow. We don’t have to do anything.”

I started counting in my head again. Begging with my own subconscious that she would let me help her insomeway—even if it was a bit of a toxic request. And praying, even more than that, that it would somehow, in some way, lessen her anger and hatred towards me.

I was a piece of shit, I had then realized. Because I wanted her to forgive me so badly that I was willing to put the only slice of trust and fragility I was being handed.

“If we do this…” she started, and I found myself holding my breath, even as my thumb traced circles on her shirt-covered abdomen, “it’s just for tonight. Nothing is going to change between us. You still hurt me, and I still hate a large piece of you. Okay?”

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