Page 22 of Contrition

“I know you don’t. And even if you did, and we had no other choice, I would give it to you.”

She placed the plate of her half-eaten pancakes on the coffee table. I reined in the sigh that I wanted to make. “I am already as humble as I could possibly be right now. I have felt nothing but aching loneliness, sadness, and confusion for years. No matter the alcohol and sex, it has never gone away. So, for fuck’s sake, just tell me why you have the balls to run away from me—from us—yet not enough to actually leave me in all areas of the definition. I deserve that much.”

Zack’s voice grew heavy with emotion, and I looked up to see his eyes holding nothing but longing as he stared back at her. “Because I never wanted to leave you in the first place. I never wanted to run. But…I had to.”

“Why? Fuckingwhy?”

My voice cut through their growing tension. “Because of me.”

The silence that followed was thick.

Zack and I had fought for years. We had almost destroyed not only ourselves, but our career, too. All because I was a selfish bastard who wanted what I couldn’t have, and held a stupid as fuck ultimatum over him.

Estrella, or the record deal of a lifetime.

Estrella, the girl I thought we could both get over…or the possibility of fame, fortune, happiness, and so much more. And when you were each other’s only family at that point, with your own parents having died in your twenties, it was the most manipulative ask ever.

And it worked.

I was such a fucking idiot.

My voice was hoarse as I continued. “He left you because of me. Because I have been irrevocably in love with you for years. Almost as much as he is. And I was a spoiled fucking brat who couldn’t bear to witness someone getting something I wanted so, so badly. So, I essentially forced him to leave you. I threw our record deal in his face. I threw his only passion and career in his own face. And then I forced us both to turn our backs on you. Thinking…thinking it would do something, I guess. And that all three of us could just move the fuck on.”

Estrella stared at me, saying nothing.

Zack cut in next. “I never wanted to leave you. But the record deal was already signed. I had planned to tell you, and then…shit hit the fan. My hands felt tied. I-I didn’t know what to do. But I need you to know that I regret choosing this life over you every single day since then.”

Estrella’s eyes stayed on me.

The blankness in them tore me apart about as much as her silence did.

I kept talking. “On your wedding day, I lied to you. I never told him that I had kissed you at that stupid party. That I had professed my love to you then, too, but we were too far gone to remember. I never told him anything until months later. I…I only told you. Begging and wondering if I could get you to choose me over him. Like an absolute dumbass.”

Silence.

Complete and utter silence.

I probably should have skipped breakfast, too, like her. I was afraid it was going to come back up between the anxiety and fear coursing through me.

“Mi Estrella, plea?—”

“Don’t!”

I blinked at the shout.

She shook her head angrily. “I have spent years wondering why I wasn’t good enough by someone who called me his soulmate on a nearly nightly basis. I have begged God and back for an answer—to the point that I stopped believing in him entirely. I have drowned myself in alcohol and sex as a distraction foryearsto try and prove to myself that I was worth more than abandonment. Only for what?” She laughed incredulously. “Only for my husband and brother-in-law to tell me that they both have been madly in love with me the whole time, only to torture me for shits and giggles?”

“Please,” I started. “Please don’t call me your brother-in-law. I don’t want that.”

“Then whatthe fuckdo you want? What do either of you want from me? Because it sure as fuck doesn’t sound like I’m getting out of my marriage anytime soon.”

Zack answered on a rough swallow. “We both want you. We want you to be…ours.”

We both watched as Estrella’s mouth opened and closed like a fish at the admission.

I spoke before she could have the chance to do so herself, even as my gaze averted itself to her half-eaten plate. “I could never get over you. And Zack hasn’t even looked at another woman in years, let alone thought about the possibility of someone else. And after a really bad fist fight that landed us both in the hospital, and nearly in jail, we just realized…Princess, there is only ever you. Youownus. And you somehow have the power to both make and destroy us. Even if you don’t want us at all.”

It could have been hours before she spoke. But when she did, I knew instantly that she was crying. “So, what? I’m the birthday present little kids fought over before they realized that sharing is caring? Really?”

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