Page 5 of Contrition

I needed thefuckout of Ohio.

two

ESTRELLA

The lyrics from Shinedown’sDaylightcame out of my mouth, mumbled and low, as my fingers played with the photoshop and lighting settings from Neon Cherry’s collection. The speaker to my right nearly vibrated with how loud it was. Often, this was the perfect balance for my overstimulated brain while working on a task, but I growled as the neon hues in this particular image refused to balance themselves just right all the same.

The pros of choosing to do professional concert photography were endless. Not only did I get to follow my passion of photography and capturing moments of pure joy, but I also got to travel and befriend some of the best in the industry that had consumed me since I was a teenager.

The cons of choosing to do professional concert photography, however, were navigating the endless varieties of smoke, neon hues, shadows, and shots to capturetheperfect moment, rather thanaperfect moment.

It was creativity and science all at once.

And the science was not easy to do when you were hungover and sore as all hell.

My phone buzzed against the soft material of my own hotel room bed, indicating an incoming phone call. I found myself smiling asMamá’sname popped up on my screen. Deciding to take a break from the image at hand—featuring a duet song of Colby and Sydnee mid-breakdown—I reached over to simultaneously power off the speaker and answer the phone call.

“Hi,Mamá!”

Her voice came through my phone's speaker as I collapsed against the mattress. “Mi hija! How are you, baby girl? I can’t talk long, but I missed you. I wanted to check on you.”

I smiled. “I’m good. You know the drill—work, work, and more work.”

“I do. Where are you at now? I call almost weekly and I feel like you’re always somewhere different. What…what do they say? You travel as much as a circus? I think that’s what they say.”

“Maybe. But at least you get to tell everyone that you have a really cool, freelance, alternative daughter. Emo kids are the best kinds of kids, ya know.”

“Oh yay. Everything I could have wanted.”

“Hey! I thought you were proud of me.”

She gasped mockingly now, and I giggled at the ridiculousness of it. “I am! I could not be more proud of you and the name you have made for yourself,mi amor. Yourpapáwould be so unbelievably proud of you if he knew this is what you had made of yourself after these hard years.”

Tears stung my eyes with no warning.

Mypapá.

Fuck, I missed him.

His death anniversary was only a couple short days away, and it explained why I had been working in overdrive lately. I needed the distraction. Because while mourning was never linear, the remembrance that one of your favorite people had left was also crushing.

People always left one way or another, though. I had learned that lesson before him. But it didn’t take away any of the ache.

I sniffed and wiped at my eyes as I responded. “Thanks,Mamá. I needed to hear that. I’m in Ohio, by the way. I’m sure I’ll be heading out in the next day or two. My next assignment is in Texas, and my flight is tomorrow afternoon.”

“Ohio?”

“Yeah? Ya know, Midwest land? Where they have a McDonald’s and…wheat fields. And that’s pretty much it.”

“Huh.”

I blinked, heavily confused. “What? What’s going on?”

“I don’t want you to freak out, Estrella.”

“Cool, cool, cool. Don’t start a sentence like that then. What’s wrong?”

“He sent another ticket of some kind to the house. I figured it was trash again, so I didn’t tell you. This one was an airplane ticket and a concert ticket of some kind, though. And…it was in Ohio.”

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