Page 3 of You are the Reason

The sound of my childhood nickname causes me to choke on my breath momentarily. On any other day, I wouldn’t even blink at the mention but today …today is different.If I close my eyes really tight, I can almost imagine the footsteps moving through my apartment are my brother’s. I rub at my chest.Don’t do this to yourself, Kinsley.

Kyle – my older brother, had always called me Meadow, well as far back as I can remember anyway. He said it was because, from the day I could walk I would toddle out into the front garden and play in the flowers. Then, as the years went by and I got more adventurous, I would sneak through the garden gate and into the meadow with the horses. A smile graces my lips at the memory, the most beautiful wildflowers would grow there; sometimes when the breeze hits me just the right way, I can still smell them on the wind.

“Upstairs,” I call out.

I slip the journal back into my bedside table and sit cross-legged in the middle of my bed. Jesse’s footsteps grow closer as the tall blonde goofball I call my best friend comes into view.

Jesse dives onto the bed, the smell of freshly mowed grass and brown sugar — a weird combination but it fits him perfectly — sweeps over me as he playfully pins me down like an animal.

“Get off me,” I laugh.

A huge smile wraps across his face. “Happy birthday, glad to see you’re already up and dressed. Come on, we have heaps to do today.”

I sit back up, puzzled for a minute. Jesse is already off the bed and walking back towards the stairs. “What do you mean,” I ask. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” he says with a wink over his shoulder.Bastard.

Jesse’s friendship is a breath of fresh air, grounding me, filling my lungs and allowing me to breathe. I scramble off the bed and race down the stairs behind him. I haven’t eaten yet, and I still haven’t turned my phone back on to return the phone call from this morning. Regardless, this is my best friend and if he has plans I will tag along, no more questions asked. When I get to the front door I slip on my boots and grab my coat.

“Your chariot awaits my dear,” he mocks, holding out his arm like I’m a princess leaving a castle.

“Dickhead,”I laugh and walk out the door.

I’ve known Jesse all my life, well for as far back as I can remember anyway. He was best friends with my brother, and when Kyle passed away Jesse kind of took me under his wing. I think I may have even stayed with him and his mum for a little while there.

I was only eight when my life turned upside down and even though the boys were only three years older than me, they had always been the ones I looked up to. Dad was always busy at work and Mum seemed to always have somewhere she needed to be. I sigh at the memory of my childhood and a knot begins to form in the pit of my stomach. It’s all such a blur, but I do remember spending a lot of time with Jess and his mum. I don’t know how I would have survived without them when I lost Kyle.

Jesse pulls me out of my thoughts. “Here, these are for you. I’m guessing you haven’t eaten yet?” He passes me a box from my favourite bakery. I can’t hide the smile on my face when the smell hits me. I grab out a croissant for myself and wave another one in the air. “Open.” I tease and shove one into his face.

We both laugh, except Jesse’s is muffled by the pastry. I put on my seat belt, wriggling to get comfortable in my seat. I have no idea where we are going, but I do know where Idon’twant to go. Thirty minutes into our trip I realise where the road is taking us, and sure enough it’s exactly where I didn’t want to go. I should’ve known Jesse would want to come here today, we do every year.

Glancing over my shoulder to the back seat, there are a bunch of flowers and an esky. “Tell me there’s beer in the esky, Jess.”

He raises a brow, now knowing that I know where we are going. “There’s beer in the esky,” he sighs.

We pull into the cemetery car park, the gravel crunches underneath the tyres and Jesse drums his fingers on the steering wheel …Well at least it’s a nice day.Jesse grabs the esky and the flowers before we walk over to where my brother, my mother and my father are buried. The contents of my stomach churn at the sight of my family laid out in front of me. I fight back the tears threatening to fall, and Jesse squeezes my shoulders. He places the flowers down in front of Kyle’s headstone and I grab out three beers.

Looking up I pass him two of them. “One for Kyle too,” I say and Jesse nods. He places one down next to the flowers and cracks the other open. I follow suit, even though it can’t be later than about 11am. My phone is still turned off and I can’t bring myself to ask Jesse what the time is. Like it matters what time it is anyway.

Pressing the sharp edges of the beer cap into my thumb, the pain begins to ground me. I’m standing here on the twelve-year anniversary of my brother’s death, on mybirthday.I almost laugh, it sounds just as far-fetched as it feels. I guess I can drink a beer if I want to.

A big oak tree shades over this part of the cemetery, its branches resembling arms stretched out wide to welcome everyone in. Jesse walks over and slides down against the trunk of the tree. I follow and sit down between his legs, resting my head back against his chest. We sit silently for a while before it hits me.I’ve lived longer without my brother than I got to live with him.My chest tightens as my mind begins to spiral with all the things Kyle has missed out on.

His first serious girlfriend.

Graduating from school.

Marriage.

I wonder what he would be doing with his life right now?

I shuffle around slightly. “He never even got to drink a beer.” Jesse’s eyes sparkle and a laugh comes from deep in his belly.

“Okay, spill!” I gasp, spinning completely around to face him front on. “How do you still have stories that I haven’t heard? Even after all these years.”

Jesse rests his head back against the tree, closing his eyes. “It was our tenth birthday. Do you remember it? We had a joint party.” He opens one eye to look at me briefly before closing it again. “Anyway, all our friends had gone home, you were already in bed and our parents were having a few drinks around the fire. We came up with a plan that I would distract the grown-ups so Kyle could crawl over to the esky and pinch a beer for us to share.”

“How did you distract them?”

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