Page 44 of You are the Reason

Watching her walk off to her bedroom, I decide that just for tonight, tracking down the people who are messing with Kinsley can wait. My girl is here, she is safe and I should be upstairs with her in my arms.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Kinsley

I don’t often do the opening shift at the bar, but it’s a nice change getting home at 7pm, rather than closer to midnight. I convinced Tanner that it would be safe for me to make my way home by myself; I promised to call him if anything seemed out of the ordinary. Both Stanley and Tanner have been keeping a close eye on the apartment’s security cameras. I even had a message from Tanner giving me theall clearat the end of my shift so I’m sure if anyone had been snooping around, they would have noticed.

On that thought, I walk into the apartment and see that the door into the spare room is open and the light is on. “Jess, are you in there?” I call out. These guys can not help themselves, if Tanner isn’t there picking me up, I always know I’ll find Jesse waiting for me at home.

“I’ll grab us a beer.” My heels are clicking on the tiles as I walk, the sound is almost therapeutic as it echoes through the quiet space. Reaching the doorway of the spare room, I’m met with deep ocean blues. I freeze and the beers drop onto the tiles, the glass bottles smashing at my feet. I’ve become so complacent that it never occurred to me that Tanner would make his way into my room of secrets.How could I be so stupid?

“T-tanner, what are you —” My body begins to shake uncontrollably. No, this can’t be happening. Not now. Not when I’ve finally let him in, let myself believe this could work. The broken shards of glass glint in the light, mocking me as if they’re pieces of the life I have tried so hard to hold together, the life which is now shattered at my feet.

Tanner closes the gap between us, as I carefully step into the room and out of the puddle of glass and beer surrounding me on the floor. His arms wrap around me and he holds me to his chest. I fist his t-shirt, holding on for dear life because I know that I’m going to have to let him go. He’s not safe anymore.

I inhale his scent, which has become familiar and comforting, committing it to my memory; leather, coffee and spice. I can feel his breathing, it’s faster than normal. Isn’t it funny what you can learn about someone in less than a year? I don’t want to let him go, but now that he knows, he will want to get involved. There is no way in hell I would let that happen. If I had it my way Jesse would be kept in the dark as well, but unfortunately for us both, he’s in too deep.

We stand like this for a while, holding each other whilst my heart violently pounds in my chest. Eventually, he lets go of me and tilts my chin upwards so that I’m forced to meet his gaze. Hurt, pain and a sense of longing lingers in his eyes, and at the same time, I begin building the wall back up, brick by brick; the one he so effortlessly knocked down. This time, though, the wall is going back up to protect him, he may not see it this way, but this is no longer about protecting me.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t want you to find out this way,” I say gesturing towards my mess taking up the spare room.

He runs his fingers through his hair, a telling sign he is uncomfortable. “Do you seriously think I give a shit about any of this, Kinsley?”

I take a step further into the room; everything feels so heavy, with all the weight pressing down onto my chest. I rub my arms, the feeling of bugs crawling over them overpowers anything else I can think about right now. I startle at the touch of Tanner’s hand, he’s resting it gently on my lower back and I turn to face him again as he speaks.

“It doesn’t matter how messy you think your life is, or was, when I said I wanted you I meant it. I wantallof you.”

He’s not going to make this easy for me, is he? Can’t he see that loving me and knowing my past isn’t safe for him? That I need to let him go — let him go onmyterms; because if he gets ripped away from me like everyone else has — I don’t know if I would be able to survive it this time. The need to free myself from the overwhelming pressure and emotions I am feeling is too much. Reaching out, I start ripping things off of the walls; years of connected dots, everything that is holding me hostage in the past – gone. I need an escape.

He is no longer that escape.

I need something. I need something that will drown out this noise. The scars on my wrist burn, my subconscious beckoning me; calling me to do something that was my escape for so long.

“Kins, you’re in your head again.”

I need to get away from him before I spiral any further. I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Maybe in another time, another place —”How cliche Kinsley,inwardly I roll my eyes at myself and for a minute the ridiculous voices in my head snap me out of my downward spiral. That is until Tanner scoffs — wait a second,he fucking scoffed at me.My eyes snap up to his.

“Nice try, Pip, but I can see through you — through this.” He looks between us and then around the room. I take a deep breath, am I really doing this? Pushing away the one and only guy I have ever let my walls down for, just because now he’s seeing me,reallyseeingme, for the first time? I should be grateful that he isn’t running for the hills. I should be the one begging him to stay.

I see it in his eyes though; the want and need to destroy anyone who has hurt me. The determination to fix all of this. “Maybe if we had met in a year or two when all this was behind me. But Tanner, I can see it in your eyes. Now that you know, there’s pain in there now.”

“Tell me something,” he says, flipping the conversation on its head.

“Anything,” I admit. “What do you want to know?”

Tanner’s deep blue eyes pierce into me, I feel him searching for the key to unlock my mind; looking for a way in, but there isn’t one.

“Everything. Tell me everything.”

“You already know too much,” I say, glancing around the room.

He cups my face with both his hands and rests his forehead on mine.Please don’t say it.I can feel the moment approaching, the moment I’ve been longing for – it’s too late now. A tear rolls down my cheek as he whispers, “I’m in love with you, Kinsley.”

For a moment my heart skips a beat, it flutters a few times before finding its rhythm again. Those words, now a dagger to my heart. He has never told me that before. Deep down I knew, he didn’t have to say it. I felt his love for me; I have for months.

“And I’ll always love you. You were my escape. The air I so desperately needed to breathe. You saved me.” My eyes are burning, with a tsunami of tears ready to fall. “If I’m going to get through this, I need to walk away. Now that your eyes mirror my pain, I —”

Tanner steadies the back of my head and takes my lips into a kiss. He kisses me in a way he has never kissed me before. It’s deep and passionate, tears fall from both our eyes. I open up for him, and I can taste the salt from all of our unspoken words, as our tongues tangle together.

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