Page 52 of You are the Reason

Chapter Thirty-Four

Kinsley

Resting my hands on my knees, I lean forward, welcoming the cool morning breeze against the back of my neck. I glance down at my smart watch trying to catch my breath, a new personal best flashes on the screen – 36 mins/5.2km. I smile with a sense of accomplishment before the reality of why I’m pushing myself so hard smacks me in the face.

It’s been three days since Tanner discovered the truth of my past and only today has Jesse left me alone for more than a few hours at a time. He stayed by my side for the first forty-eight hours; I know he was concerned for my well being and I don’t blame him. My track record in the mental health department isn’t great. But come this morning, I needed my own space, I practically begged him to leave me alone.Leave the poor ‘self inflicted, yet broken hearted’ girl alone, Jesse.

At one point there, I wondered if I had made a mistake.But we quickly squashed that thought,didn’t we Kinsley?Ugh, clearly the exercise isn’t helping to rid the little extra voices in my head. I don’t mind them being there most days, but sometimes, when they turn dark, they creep out like shadows, climbing the walls and towering over me. They make me feel small, and I find myself crouching in the dark corners of my mind, pulling my knees tight to my chest. These voices dictate my thoughts and manipulate my feelings, it’s almost as though I am being buried alive; trapped with no way out. It’s suffocating.

Despite the little voices taunting me I shake them off, the endorphins still pumping through my veins manage to keep me afloat. I bound up the steps, taking them two at a time. Opting for a red bull from the fridge rather than a bottle of water, it’s not like I’m exercising for my health after all.

Looking around for something to keep me busy, I come up empty handed. Maybe I should go into the bar, check over the books — no, that wouldn’t be a good idea. The image of Tanner leaning against my office door springs to mind, his hungry eyes prowling over my body. My chest tightens at the memory from only days ago. I can still feel the butterflies that swarmed low in my stomach, the desire that pooled in my core. Fuck, am I depressed or aroused right now?You’re broken, Kinsley, that’s for sure.

I pick up my phone and dial the only number I know off by heart. It rings three times before Jesse answers.

“Hey, Meadow, everything okay?”

“Hey Jess, yeah everything is fine. I was thinking, you should just stay at your place tonight. I’m fine, really, and I thought I might ask Soph to come over. She can stay with me, give you a night off from babysitting duties.”

Will I ask her though? I love Sophie and I really should confide in her but ‘people-ing’ at the moment doesn’t really excite me. Then again, a girls night with drinks, snacks and our favourite books … Okay, it really isn’t a question, I want a girls night. Clearly my inner child is feeling neglected by the lack of sleepovers as a tween.

“Will she stay the night? Have you already asked her?”

Jesse and I go back and forth about my current emotional state, thewho, what, where, when, why and howof my plan to move forward through this mess. He’s always been the planner, the one who thinks everything through before acting on it. I however, prefer a more spontaneous approach.

“Yeah, yeah. Okay, I’ll let you know,” I say, ending the conversation.

Scrolling down a little, I hit ‘call’ on FaceTime and wait for Sophie’s face to pop up on my screen.

“Hey pretty lad–” she cuts herself off before saying what I hope waspretty lady,because I am most definitely not a lad. “Whoah, Kins, are you okay?”

“Do I look that bad?” I laugh. “I went for a run, that’s all, I’m fine.”

“Kinsley, you don’t run … Scrap that, you don’t exercise at all.”

I shrug my shoulders in response. “Enough about me, what are you doing tonight? Please tell me you don’t have plans.”

“Are you inviting me over? Because I’ll be there in twenty-five minutes!” she squeals, jumping up and down. “Let me go pack my bag.”

“Bring snacks,” I laugh again.. “I have plenty of alcohol!”

“Got it, see you soon!” she squeals as she drops the phone, and all I hear is her running off down the hallway.

I can do this. A girls night, with snacks and alcohol, oh we could even have a read-athon! I contemplate telling her to bring her Kindle and a few books but who am I kidding, that girl goes nowhere without a book.

Maybe after a few drinks, I can tell her about Tanner; I could tell hereverything. Kinsley, you need to tell her everything.The little voice is right, Soph is one of my closest friends. It’s a surreal feeling, having a close friendship with someone other than Jesse. It’s something I have longed for since I was a little girl and now my dreams are becoming reality. Sharing secrets and swapping stories is the next step in our friendship, right?

* * *

Sophie lies diagonally across my bed kicking her feet whilst reading a cute little romance novel. The books she reads are my palette cleansers in between the morally grey men I find myself dreaming about. I’m a dark romance girl at heart, give me all the shades of black.Two pages of trigger warnings? Sign me up.

I top up her glass with my favourite raspberry gin before snuggling into my reading chair. I’m not sure how much time has passed; we have each got up a few times to go to the loo, have a stretch or pour ourselves another drink, but as I glanced out the balcony doors, the sun is setting. Bright rays of red and orange swirl together across the sky. It reminds me of simpler times. I briefly recall a saying my dad would repeat each time we saw a red sunset, something along the lines of, ‘Red skies at night, sailor’s delight. Red skies in the mornings, sailor’s warning.’

Slipping on my Uggs, I walk out onto the balcony. The crisp night air hits my lungs and I’m taken back to the nights I spent on top of the concrete tank. Thousands of sunrises and sunsets dance across the sky in front of me, and memories of home hold me tight.

A few moments later, Sophie’s hand rests on my arm. “Is there something you want to tell me, Kins?” she asks, a hint of hesitancy in her tone. “This girls night is great, but I can’t help but feel like you’re trying to fill some kind of void?”

“Can we sit out here?” I drop my eyes, fidgeting with my fingers. “There are actually a few things I want to get off my chest.”

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