Page 56 of You are the Reason

“I still think I should be the one going in there — You’re too close to this, Jesse. She’ll never forgive you for leaving her. She already pushed me away, you’re all she has. Maybe even all shewants.”

The line goes cold and silent, what the fuck do I say to that? Clearly he isn’t with her now then if that’s his thought process.

“Stop it, you know that’s bullshit. I have to follow through with this, what if Warren really is there —” I pause. “There is no other option and you know it. She will never stop unless she gets answers. It’s me or they come for her.”

Fuck this.It’s always been her.

He knows it and he won’t argue with me because it’s the only damn thing we agree on; we will put Kinsley first until our heart’s stop beating, until our blood runs cold.

“Are you in this with me, or not?”

Tanner has got the sulks on; he has ever since the night she pushed him away, but we don’t have time for that now. It all seems like deja-vu, from my final phone call with Kyle but this time it’s me putting my life at risk for her and putting her life in the hands of the man who loves her.

“I’ll pick up Lou-loo in the morning and go over to Kinsley’s. She isn’t going to be happy, man. I’m taking your key for the apartment too, because I doubt she will let me in if I knock. She thinks I gave her back my only key …”

I laugh because it’s all I can do, he’s never fucking knocked.

“Glad to see you find this shit funny,” he huffs.

“I’ve got the earpiece and I will put it in beforehand, that’s all I will have on me.”

“I’ll be on the other end of the line if you need me.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Jesse — come back for her.”

The line cuts out. I guess this is it. Lou-loo is sitting at my feet, her big brown eyes watching me; she knows something is going on. I put everything Tanner will need on the kitchen table and switch off the light. It’s now or never.

“You be good for Kinsley and Tanner,” I say, scratching Lou-loo behind the ear.

* * *

The drive out of Melbourne is eerily quiet, I guess that’s what you get at 1am on a weekday. Tanner and I have been planning this for weeks now, watching and learning the daily runnings of Lance and his goons.

Deep down I was hoping to catch a sighting of Warren but I haven’t seen anyone who resembles him in the slightest. Sure, it’s been twelve years, but I would recognise his sharp facial features and honey-coloured eyes, a perfect match to Kinsley’s, anywhere.

My windows are down and the chill of the night air sweeps through the car. The song changes toPapa Roach - Scarsand I turn it up, flooding out the constant scenario’s playing over and over in my mind. When Tanner turns up to Kinsley’s apartment in a few hours time, she isn’t going to be happy.

At first she is going to be angry. Angry at Tanner because he is the one who will be standing in front of her giving her the news, then the anger will be turned towards me. I rest my head back, watching the dark road ahead of me, the flashing of trees passing by in my peripheral vision. Her anger will quickly merge into feelings of betrayal, loss and disbelief; feelings I never could have imagined I would be responsible for.

That thought prompts me to think of Kyle and how he must have been feeling. Was he scared? At only thirteen, I can only assume his thoughts consisted mostly of finding a way to somehow rescue his dad and little else.

The song changes again, this time toDean Lewis - All I Ever Wantedand with a check of my mirrors I indicate, pulling over onto the side of the road. I pick up my phone and set it up to record a video; there is too much that I have left unsaid.

“Hey Meadow.

I know you’re angry right now — fuck. I’m so fucking sorry.”

The speech I had planned turns to mush and I start speaking all the truths I have kept locked away for so many years. I run my fingers through my hair, wanting to grip hold and tear it all out at the thought of leaving her.

“I need you to know that I’m doing this for you;we are doing this for you.

Kyle made a sacrifice, now it’s my turn. I need to go and finish what he started — I need to bring your dad home.

I want you to know that whatever happens, you are not alone. Kyle chose me and now I’m choosing Tanner.”

Saying that out loud, takes the breath from my lungs but lucky for me there’s more. I need her to know everything.

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