Page 62 of You are the Reason

“Y-your dad,” I cough. “He’s alive.”

“Shh, Jess. Dad’s here — Thank you for finding him, just hold on okay.”

All the noise drowns out around me and my eyes fall shut. I try to listen as everything begins to fade further away. No bright light is welcoming me, only darkness pulling me under.

For a brief moment, I hear Kinsley’s sweet voice whispering in my ear, “I love you, Jesse — every piece of you;all those pieces of yourself that you lost putting me back together — I’ll hold onto them. I’ll never let them go. You will forever be with me.”

I want to hold her. I want to tell her that I would do it again. Over and over again. I would lose every piece of myself to her if that meant living and breathing in a world with her. I don’t know if she is able to make out the words that attempt to leave my lips, but I know what I’m trying to say.

“You. Are. The. Reason.” I can’t open my eyes, I can no longer speak. She strokes my hair and her lips press a soft kiss to my forehead as the darkness pulls me under.

Chapter Forty-Two

Kinsley

Tanner is behind the wheel; the tyres are screeching, creating dust down the dirt road. It took us around forty-five minutes to get out here and it is at least twenty minutes back to the closest hospital. With a quick glance out the window, I see the speed in which the trees are passing us. Tanner is driving faster now than he did earlier. At this rate, we might cut the travel time in half, that’s if he doesn’t lose control.

“We aren’t going to make it,” I say more so to myself than to anyone in particular. Streams of tears are flowing down my face and the pounding in my chest vibrates through my body. I can’t lose him. Jesse is my constant, my person; I don’t know how to do life without him.

Looking down, he lays pale and still; memories flash before my eyes. One painful memory in particular, almost deja-vu with roles reversed.

“Wake the fuck up, Kinsley!” Jesse shouts. I try to speak, I try to move but it doesn’t work. My body is failing me. I can see him, I can hear him, but I’m unable to communicate. What an idiot, my body isn’t failing me, I failed. Again.

“I can’t believe this!”

He’s angry, so he should be. I’m angry too. If only he was the type to beat me up a little, knock some sense into me, maybe then I would fall unconscious, into a sleep I would never wake up from.

He hurls me into his arms and carries me out to his car, yelling something to who I can only assume is my mother — yeah, let her drive; she’ll probably wrap us around a tree. Not that I would want Jesse involved in that, no, just let her take me by herself.

He sits me in the passenger seat, reclining it slightly to stop my head falling forward and buckles me in.

“You’re not going back to that fucking house, Meadow,” Jesse says, jamming the car in reverse. “When we leave the hospital this time, you’re coming home with me — where you belong.”

It’s the only memory I have of him where he showed the slightest bit of anger. I was in a dark place; my relationship with my mum was nonexistent, and she was too messed up on drugs to realise that only two weeks after my first suicide attempt, I would try again. Jesse was never aggressive. He was always just so …

I blink in an attempt to clear the tears from my eyes. I tried to take my own life, twice, and failed. He saved me three times, and on the third, it cost him his own.

It’s always been him.

“Keep talking to him, Kins. We’ll make it.”

His breathing is getting slower, more raspy. His chest rattles, blood is soaking through his shirt; the bandages Dad dressed him with are a crimson river covering us both. He isn’t going to make it, a deep feeling of finality washes over me. I hold him close, needing him to know that I’m here. Does he know? God, I hope he doesn’t think he is alone.Take me, Jess. Dammit, take me with you.

“I’m here, Jess, it’s okay — if you need to go, if you’re in pain — fuck it.” I let out a strangled cry, pulling him up further onto my lap. “Kyle will be waiting for you,” I sob. “Tell him I love him.”

“Don’t fucking say that, Kinsley. He will be okay,” Tanner growls from the front seat. He can’t see him though, the boy who was always so full of life; now lying lifeless in my arms.

Jesse was gone. Only his body lies here now; still warm, still intoxicating me with the smell of freshly mowed grass and cinnamon. If only there was a way I could bottle it up. I don’t speak, my mind is a mess. I couldn’t thread a sentence together, even if I wanted to. Instead, I let Tanner keep driving. Maybe if I close my eyes real tight, I’ll float away into the abyss with him. If I had my time again, I wouldsee himthe same way he saw me. I was too stuck in my own head to realise that everything I ever wanted was right in front of me. Right fucking there for the taking.Why didn’t Iseehim?Was he unhappy? Did he feel like I just kept him at a distance our whole lives? I didn’t, I let him in. Surely he knew that, God, I hope he knew it.I let him see me.

“Out of your head, Kinsley!” Tanner snaps, his eyes piercing me through the rear view mirror. He sees me too. He somehow sees every damned thought racing around in my head. Am I hurting him? Can he see how deep my love runs for Jesse? Can he see my life flashing before my eyes? Does he sense my terrorising fear, navigating a way forward in life without Jess?

Without my person.

My mind is racing with voices on repeat, and my heart is struggling to keep up, pounding faster and faster. The shadows in the car are closing in, making the space feel smaller and even more suffocating. There is nowhere to hide, nothing to protect me. I’m trapped. I sink deeper into the seat, clinging to Jesse’s limp body. It’s a struggle to hold him close, but I find strength in my desperation. Tanner’s voice is stern, but it’s too late; the shadows are pulling me under. I pray to a God I don’t believe in, that the shadows will consume me completely this time. I pray I won’t wake up.

* * *

The beeping of hospital monitors rouses me. Unfortunately for me, I don’t even get a moment of confusion; I know exactly where I am, what has happened and why it’s me lying here being monitored. It is a little overkill though, let’s be honest. I shake off the probe clipped onto my finger and the machine sends out an alert. If only I knew how to turn the damn thing off.

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