Page 68 of You are the Reason

Eighteen years old and left alone in the world by my mother.

Truth be told, she had checked out a long time prior to that. Her funeral was one of the hardest though, because other than Jesse and Marie, I had no one in that front row with me; and they were only present out of support for me. Mum had lost Jesse and Marie’s respect years ago.

Whoever is mapping out my life story needs to give me a break, or just drop the fucking pen, because I’m done. I don’t have anything left to give anymore.

“— that concludes our service. We ask for you to respect the family, as they move to the cemetery for a private burial. Refreshments are in the function room, please help yourselves. The family will join you once they have concluded. Thank you.”

The celebrant’s conclusion of the service pulls me from my thoughts. I blink a few times to focus my eyes and notice Tanner’s hand resting on my knee. Placing my hand on top of his, I squeeze, my gaze meeting his through our dark sunglasses. I can’t see his eyes, but I know they’re laced with concern for me.Time to be strong, Kinsley.The waves of emotion I am feeling today are wild, right now I’m made of stone, a force to be reckoned with. Not an emotion in sight.

Standing, I take note of both Soph and Dad hovering closely behind Tanner. Knowing I have tabs on them, I look for Marie. She was sitting right next to me at the beginning of the service, but I zoned out and now she’s nowhere to be seen. Scanning the rows of people once more, I begin to walk. There are a lot of people here, but none that she would confide in. My mind ticks over, scrolling through the internal list of people who could be here that she would wander off with.Louise. Of course, she was travelling up to stay with her and attend the funeral; it’s been so many years that I had almost forgotten that she existed.

Louise was Jesse’s Aunty, well not technically. You know those best friends you have from childhood, that when you eventually have kids they just call them Aunty?Well, me neither.But she was like that kind of Aunty to Jesse. She was a constant in his life, from the moment he was born, up until she moved away. I think he missed her so much that he named Lou-loo after her. I believe it was around the same time that Dad went missing when she moved away … It had to have been, because I don’t think she never came around whilst I was living there.Focus Kinsley, look for Louise.

The crowd of people split into two, the majority moving towards the function space, a separate building to the right of the one the ceremony was held in. The rest of us begin to make our way to the cemetery. The cemetery is conveniently located on the same grounds; sitting among beautiful gardens that are full of native Australian flora, with tall gumtrees scattered throughout. Just ahead of us, off to our right is a bench seat and sitting there is Marie, Louise and Lou-loo.

Lou barks, her tail wagging as I approach, causing Marie and Louise to whip their heads in my direction. I was expecting red puffy eyes and miserable expressions — and while it is their red eyes that greet me, miserable wouldn’t be the word I use to describe their expressions. They look like two naughty teens who have been caught around the back of the school gym. Marie slaps a hand over her mouth and Louise giggles, hiding something down to her side. Smoke begins to drift up from where they sit, floating higher with the breeze; their reaction and the smell tells me they have smoked something a little stronger than tobacco. I shake my head, a smile spreading wide across my face.Jesse will be getting a kick out of this.

Slowly, I walk further into the area and move to the front of the small group. With a steadying breath, I suppress the emotions threatening to bubble over. The celebrant steps to the side, allowing me space to say a few words.Talk straight to him, Kins. Talk to him as though no one else is around.

“Jesse. Fuck — Jess, how did we get here? It was only yesterday that I was hanging out the window of your ute, flying down dirt roads. Having dance parties in my bedroom, when you would sneak through my window.” Tilting my head back, I look to the sky, hoping to keep the tears filling my eyes at bay for just a little while longer. “You were always there, Jesse. It was always us against the world. I hope you knew how deeply my love ran for you. You were my person.You were my reason.” Looking back down, my eyes lock onto his coffin …

His coffin.

I can’t hold it in any longer, I try to speak but the lump in my throat catches; my emotions begin to bubble over and a sob is all that comes out. Taking a shuddering breath, I try to go on, I need to tell him; he needs to know this. “H-how can you expect me to go on? How —” I feel Tanner come to stand beside me. I turn into him, burying my face into his chest, the tears flow freely now and my voice is barely a whisper, “I can’t.” Wrapping me in his hold, Tanner moves us to the side so that the officiant may take over; reading a verse we chose beforeTo Be Loved — Tones & Iplays.

As the coffin begins to lower to the ground, Lou-loo steps forward sniffing the air; she is looking for him. She knows something is wrong but she doesn’t understand why he hasn’t come home. Lowering myself, I wrap my arms around her neck and bury my head into her fur as she begins to whine. “It will be okay Lou, I have you now.”

* * *

“The four of us will follow you back home.” I squeeze Marie’s hand as we walk towards the car park. Lou nudges my leg, her big brown eyes trying to tell me something. “What is it, girl?” I tilt my head, mimicking her. She looks at Marie and barks once. “You want to go with Marie?” I ask and Lou-loo barks again.

“I think she wants to ride with us,” Louise pipes up from a few steps behind.

“Go on then,” I say, opening the back door of Marie’s car, Lou-loo jumps in. “Be good; we will be right behind you.” I give her a scratch under her chin and close the door.

Tanner guides me towards the car, his large hand warm against the small of my back. Sophie is there waiting for us, her sleek black hair and black clothing give off Addams Family vibes. The thought has my lips turning up at the sides, she elbows me in the ribs. “Hey!” I protest. “What was that for?”

“You gave me a look,” she shrugs, batting her eyelids at me.

“Get in the goddamn car,” Tanner laughs, opening the back door and ushering us both in; we both may have had one too many glasses of wine during the wake. Dad climbs into the passenger seat and Tanner starts the engine.

It’s not long before we are walking up the steps and into the comforting feeling of home. Showing the others into the living area, I flick on the kettle to make a pot of tea. The cupboard in the top right hand corner of the kitchen catches my eye; it was the alcohol cupboard when we were kids. I glance over my shoulder, probably out of habit, before pulling it open.

There are several dusty, half empty bottles; Vodka, Malibu and Blue Curacao just to name a few, my stomach churns at the memories.My days of Fruit Tingles are long gone.Someone clears their throat behind me and I close the cupboard. Louise is standing there, a bottle in hand and three tall glass mugs.

“Irish Coffee?” She winks, handing me a bottle of Baileys with a smirk on her face.Louise is trouble. No wonder Jesse liked her so much.

Carrying the pot of tea and three mugs, I place them on the table, whilst Louise makes sure Marie and I both get our spiked coffee. Sophie gives me a knowing wink, I would have made her one too, but I know she needs to drive home once we get back to the apartment and she already had one too many wines earlier.

Taking in my surroundings, I see Tanner’s eyes are focused on Louise, almost as though he finds her familiar. She doesn’t seem to reciprocate the exchange when their eyes meet, only briefly smiling and moving on. Strange.Make a mental note, Kinsley, that was definitely a little odd.I’ll bring it back up with him later.

Chapter Forty-Eight

Kinsley

Tanner silently follows me into the bathroom. It’s been a long day, the buzz of the alcohol is wearing off and I need to get out of these clothes and into something more comfortable. Reading my mind, he gently begins to unzip my skirt. Wriggling my hips it falls to the floor as he sweeps my hair over my shoulders and I start unbuttoning my blouse.

“I know her.” Tanner exhales heavily.

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