Page 132 of Mafia and Gold Digger

“I’ll probably call it an early night. I’m worn out.”

He stands without another word. And kissing my forehead, he vanishes down the hall. I wait until the door shuts with a soft slam.

This is all messed up. All wrong.

Sighing, I flop onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Tears sting my eyes and burn the back of my throat, but I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want to cry anymore. My phone buzzes on the end table, and with a resigned sigh, I grab it.

Thank God for best friends. A small smile pulls my lips up as Jacquetta’s gif reply lights my screen in our chat. It’s just what I needed. A silly cat dancing. I don’t even think about it before I hit the call button.

“Who are we killing?” she asks.

“What?” I laugh, a nervous lilt to it.

“I was joking!” Jacquetta giggles.

I relax into the bed and let out an exhale. “Sorry. I’m just having a bad night.”

“Uh-oh. What’d Saint do? I’ll kick his ass. Better yet, we’ll get Christian to do it, so that we can plead plausible deniability.”

I snort out a laugh. “As nice as that sounds, it’s actually…a lot of things.”

“Oh no, this is one of those serious conversations. Hold on.” I hear shuffling before her voice fills my ear again. “Okay. All set. Let’s hear it.”

I exhale, eyes closing. “Okay. Well, Milena and I got into it. Bad. Like really bad.”

“Over?”

“She’s running for the Imperiosi and skipping school to do it.”

“Christ...”

“Yeah. I confronted her, and well, she was Milena about it. But it wasn’t really the argument, I guess. It’s just...” I can hear my voice waiver, and I clear my throat, trying to keep my throat from clogging with tears even as my vision blurs. “I’m pregnant.” My voice waivers again, but I don’t stop. I need to get this out. To get it off my chest. “And Milena said some stuff. Some things that I think might be true. I just don’t know anymore.” A strained sound leaves me. “I mean, does Saint even love me? I know he said I’m the only woman for him and proposed to me, but does heactually love me? Because he hasn’t said it out aloud. And I’ve been ignoring it up until now, but I can’t any longer, not when a baby’s in the picture. I know there’s things he thinks he can’t give me. And I thought I was okay with that. I thought it didn’t matter because I was in love with him and what he was giving me was enough for me. But was I wrong? Do I need those things?Do I need his love?”

“Oh boy. Okay,” Jacquetta soothes. “One thing at a time. You’re pregnant.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re like a hundred percent sure?”

“Uh-huh. Officially confirmed.”

“Wow. Okay. And how do you feel about the news? Wait, sorry, stupid question given you’re literally crying.”

I laugh softly, the sound thick with tears. “Honestly, I want this baby, but I’m scared, Jacquetta. I’m really scared. Am I even capable of raising a kid or being a mom? I mean, just look at Milena. She’s doing illegal stuff and yelling at me and just about calling me a gold digger. How would I be any better with a baby?”

“First off, you are not doing a bad job with your siblings, Em. Milena is a teenager. Moody and temperamental are normal, remember?” She exhales, and I can picture her flicking her hair off her face. “You’re doing a lot right now. You’ve done a lot for your siblings, more than any older sister should have to do. So, stop beating yourself up, okay? You rock, Em. And you love those kids like they’re your own.”

I want to believe that. I want to say I agree and that everything is fine now. But it’s not. What Milena said, that others have said so many times in the past, keeps circling in my head again and again. Dragging me down further and further until I’m so far past rock bottom it’s not even funny.

“How did Saint take the news?”

“He doesn’t know yet.” I wrap my arms around my knees as the phone rests between my shoulder and cheek. “I don’t know how I’d even tell him. We didn’t really… I mean, it’s never come up. Being with me means he’s had to take on my siblings as well as me, but a baby? I don’t know if he’s the type to even want a kid.”

She’s quiet for a long moment.

“That’s not the only thing, Jacquetta. I shoplifted again…”

“But I thought you were going to that help group?”

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