Page 85 of Heart of the Sun

But when I pulled back the shower curtain, I saw that they’d filled up the bathtub before they’d left. “Yes,” I murmured. I plugged the sink and then used a cup on the vanity to scoop some water from the tub, using as little as I thought I needed to clean up.

A washcloth and a minute amount of their bodywash served to clean the road dust from my body. I twisted to dab at the wound on my hip, the one that hadn’t bothered me for days now, noting that it was almost completely gone. This odd feeling of disbelief overcame me to know that so much healing could happen when you weren’t even paying attention. And I had this sudden appreciation for my body that I’d never had before. Not because of the way it looked or performed, but because of the way it couldheal.And hope blossomed, the belief that it wasn’t only our bodies that would mend from the tragedy befalling the world, but so would our spirits. In time.

I hummed as I took my hair down and used my fingers to work out the tangles. I could hardly remember what it felt like to have clean, blown-out hair. “Ouch,” I yelped when a finger got caught in my hair. I lowered my hand and saw that the last piece of my fake nail that had been glued to the bed of my thumb had lifted at the corner and snagged some strands.

The small remnant came off easily and I watched as the final piece of Nova dropped into the empty waste can next to the sink. I stood there for a moment, staring down at that tiny fragment of a different life, a different me. And I was surprised that that girl with the glamorous nails and luxurious hair extensions already felt so distant, the false parts of her dropped piece by piece on lonely back roads and in dewy fields as I was both lost…and somehow found.

I’d truly believed she was my ticket to happiness and so I’d embraced her even if that costume had neverquitefit, not as uncomfortable as the last formal dress I’d worn,but a touch itchy nonetheless even if I couldn’t figure outwhywhen to the naked eye, I looked so damn perfect. I wondered now how long I would have been able to keep up the facade of Nova, wondered if I would have taken a similar route as Jane Pritchard, numbing with pills and wondering why I was so unhappy if all my dreams had supposedly come true.

It was a sad sort of thought because while a part of me felt free, and even confusingly saved in ways I couldn’t untangle now, it was also a goodbye. To a thousand dreams that had come true for a moment but wouldn’t last. To bright lights and cheering crowds. To the superstar I might have been.

I went back into the bedroom, where I found a T-shirt in one of the dresser drawers. I hoped it was simply one someone who had stayed in this room had left behind and would never miss. But as far as a pair of underwear, I was going to be a brazen thief because even someone else’s clean ones were a luxury I could not pass up. I slipped the T-shirt over my head and then returned to the primary bedroom where I opened the top drawer and found the absolute bounty of an unopened package of cotton bikinis, size small.

“Oh sweet Jesus,” I breathed, bringing the plastic to my lips and kissing it. “Oh thank You, God.” I ripped the package open and pulled on the baby pink pair of underwear and then ran back to the guest room. I tossed the rest of the package of underwear into my backpack, threw myself on the bed, and then lay there grinning up at the ceiling. “Thank you, house owner, whoever you are. I will pay this forward.”

“Pay what forward?” I sat up so quickly I gave myself a head rush, bringing my hand to my temple and cringe-laughing.

“Nothing,” I said. “All secured?”

Tuck set his backpack down on the floor next to the chair. “Yeah.” He closed the bedroom door and locked it, and that small click made my tummy squeeze. “All secured.”

We stared at each other in heavy silence for a few seconds before I waved toward the bathroom. “There’s water in there,” I said. “In the tub. If you wanted to…clean up or—”

“Great. Yes. That’d be great.” He picked his bag back up and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

I lay back on the bed, trying to calm my nerves as I again gazed at the ceiling. God, my heart was thumping with both excitement and fear. I vaguely wondered if this is how it would have been if Tuck and I had dated in high school. If the cascade of tragedies that had occurred in the wake of his mother getting sick hadn’t happened…if his mother had never died… Would we have snuck out windows at midnight? Would we have made out in the back seat of cars? Gone to that prom together and then rented a hotel room afterward and lost our virginity to each other?

It seemed like such a faraway possibility, and also one thatshouldhave happened but had been lost, caused by some wrinkle in time. And I felt this sense of wonder knowing maybe those disruptive wrinkles eventually smoothed, and when they did, what was lost, was found.

The door clicked open, and Tuck exited, dropping his backpack on the floor. His gaze slid over me, lingering on the pink cotton between my legs, barely showing beneath the hem of the T-shirt that had risen when I’d lain down. And I swore I could feel that glance touch my tender flesh, a buzz of electricity flowing from him to me. His eyes moved down my legs, and I saw him swallow. “Em,” he said, his voice thick. “I, ah.” He stuck his hands in his jean pockets, and I sat up, concerned by the doubt I heard in his tone.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just…you should know that it’s been ah—”

“It’s been a long time.” My breath released, tenderness gripping my heart. He was worried because he hadn’t had sex with anyone in a long time.

I stood, going to him and then placed my hand on his chest. “I understand.”

He shook his head slowly, his expression so vulnerable. “No, Em, I’m not sure you do.”

I lifted my hand and then ran my thumb over his flushed cheekbone before I brought my mouth to his, kissing him softly, just once, and then lowering my lips to his throat. “Yes, I do,” I whispered. I trailed my hand down his T-shirt and then lifted the hem and dragged my fingers lightly over the warm skin of his stomach. His skin was velvety, and the sparse line of hair tickled my fingertips. I smiled against the dip at the base of his throat, and he let out a low groan.

My heart soared, and I felt electrified, and I knew that he was telling me that he was worried about things being over before they started, but honestly, I felt desperate too. To discover him, to explore, to satisfy a desire that it felt as if I’d carried all my life, beginning from those first flushed moments staring at his features in a photograph in my girlhood room.

I took a tiny step back and lifted his T-shirt, bringing it up and over his head. I took a moment, just one, to let my eyes roam his smooth, muscular chest and then brought my hand out and laid it over his heart. I’d known his body once, every dip and swell, because I’d memorized him. I’d watched as he picked fruit, and lifted bales of hay, and waded in the creek running through our land. But he’d become a man since then, and I had so much to rediscover. I felt greedy and hungry and breathless with need, overwhelmed by the weight of this moment.

He groaned when I lowered my mouth to one of his flat nipples, weaving his fingers into my hair. “Even this, Em, I… God.”

“I know,” I whispered, and then I went down on my knees.

He let out a small sound that made me smile. It was surprise and gratitude and uncertainty and desperation all mixed into one.And it was the first time I’d ever seen Tucker Mattice willingly hand over full control to anyone.

I unbuttoned his jeans and dragged them down over his straining erection, swallowing as I reminded myself that I would have time to explore him later. This was for him, and it meant that we could take our time after this.

God he was beautiful though. Big and hard and perfectly formed. I ran a finger along a vein and then licked the drop of moisture from his tip. He made another sound of desperate anticipation, and I gave him a small push so that he staggered back and fell into the upholstered chair behind him. Then I pulled his jeans farther down around his ankles and he kicked out of them so I could push them aside. I positioned myself between his thighs, meeting his stunned eyes once before I lowered my head and took him in my mouth. He bucked his hips, and I swirled my tongue, taking one long suck as he gave another helpless thrust, making incoherent sounds of pleasure.

I felt powerful and wonderful and, though I loved fighting with Tuck, I also loved pleasuring him, and never in my life had I felt this intoxicating mix of physical and emotional reactions to any man.

---