Page 29 of Shenanigans

The minute the elevator doors opened, the stench hit me. Ugh. It was a combination of rotting meat and bleach. I hurried down the hallway, trying not to gag as the smell got into my throat. How did Jana deal with it every day?

The mortuary doors swooshed open and Jana stepped out. “There you are.”

I waved a hand in front of my face. “Is the smell always this bad?”

“Quit being a wuss. Teri, the Medical Examiner, is waiting,” Jana said, practically dragging me past shelves of bagged bodies.

“Shouldn’t they be in a refrigerator of some type? It would cut down on the smell.”

“The Sheriff’s burial detail will be here shortly to lay them to rest,” Jana replied.

“Oh. That’s right. The Medical Examiner’s office uses the Sheriff’s chain gang to plant them in our version of Potter’s field.”

Jana sighed. “They’re laid to rest not planted.”

“I didn’t mean to disrespect the dearly departed, but this place kinda freaks me out,” I said quickly. Jana took her mortician duties seriously.

“The dead cannot hurt you.”

A plastic shrouded body shot upright, banged its head on the shelf and moaned.

I jumped about a foot. “What the hell? It’s alive! It’s alive! Call the paramedics!”

“The paramedics can’t resuscitate a two-day old corpse. I’ve told you repeatedly that sometimes the dead move,” Jana responded patiently as I peeked around her shoulder.

The quivering corpse farted loudly and fell back.

Another body moved.

I pulled a cross out from under my Hawaiian print shirt and held it out to ward off the evil spirits and other creepy crawlies. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, grow a pair. It’s residual gases and left-over nerve impulses.”

“Uh huh.” I cast a nervous glance around the gloomy morgue, looking for more of the farting dead.

Jana inquired, “Why is it you can get shot at and have half of the Phoenix Police Department’s cops chasing you and not turn into a girly girl?”

“Maybe it was having a bunch of dead bodies fall on me when I was visiting your father’s mortuary.”

“That was over fifteen years ago,” Jana cried.

“They didn’t have heads!” A shudder of revulsion shook me. “And they leaked on me. Gross. I can still feel the slimy goop oozing down the front of my blouse.” I raised the cross. “Evil beware! This has been blessed by the Holy Father himself.”

Jana rolled her eyes in disgust. “You’re not even Catholic and you bought that cheap knock-off on eBay. If you’re going to be talking to the dead, you’d better learn to suck it up.”

“I hate it when you’re right.” My fist closed around the cross as the gruesome image of eight severed heads flashed across my mind. And Jana wondered why I didn’t want to work at her mortuary.

A voice called, “Jana?”

“Coming Teri,” Jana answered and pulled me down the aisle with more bodies stacked on each side.

I gagged at the stench. “Gak. I’m burning these clothes and taking an hour-long bubble bath when I get home.”

“Be nice and no smart-ass comments. Teri’s risking her job for us,” Jana whispered.

I whispered back, “I’m always nice.”

Jana gave me the stink eye.

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