Page 30 of The Cult

I look over at the guy with the greasy hair and see he’s not paying attention anymore either. He’s got his eye on a girl a few rows ahead of us who’s looking back at someone and smiling. Weird how confident this gross guy is. I wonder where he got that from.

Whatever it is and whatever this guy in green shirt is offering, none of this is for me. Oh, well. I gave it a try. I’ll have to make sure I tell my counselor about that since she stressed how important it is for me to keep an open mind now that I’m clean. She claimed the whole world would be different for me now, but I’m sorry to say I’m still not buying into this woo-woo stuff meant to make a person think they can have anything they want.

We can’t. Reality shows us that every day. A person can’t become a millionaire just by believing they can. If that were the case, the world would be filled with all wealthy people because speaking as someone who’s been poor most of my life, none of us on the lowest level of society want to be there.

I stand up to leave and get only a few steps toward the end of my row before the man on the stage says, “You’re leaving, but I can see greatness in you. Stay and learn what that is.”

Looking around, I see he’s talking to me. Worse, everyone is staring at me since he’s decided to single me out.

When I don’t respond and keep walking, he asks, “What’s your name?”

I stop and sigh, not thrilled with being the focus of attention. Maybe if I tell him my name and that I need to leave, he’ll move on.

“Nash. And I’m not the kind of person for this, but thanks.”

But that doesn’t stop him.

“You don’t want to be happy and have everything you’ve ever wanted in this world, Nash?”

For a few seconds, I don’t answer because nothing I say is going to stop him. I guess I could say I don’t want to be happy and prefer to have nothing I want, but who the hell is going to believe that?

“Of course, I want to be happy. Everyone wants that. I just don’t think this is for me, but thanks.”

I take another step and then a second one before he says, “Nash, I think you’re underestimating yourself. You have such greatness in you, and I’d bet you haven’t even scratched the surface to see it yet. Are you afraid to find out you’re truly someone deserving of love and respect?”

Rolling my eyes, I smile. “No.”

“Then stay and find out what your greatness is. I promise you won’t regret it, Nash.”

Everyone around me starts nodding, and some actually try to encourage me to stay. What is with these people? We’re total strangers. What do they know about my greatness?

I don’t know what this guy’s power is, but it’s not working on me. Let him charm the rest of the audience but leave me alone.

When I get to the end of the row, I look up at him and shake my head. “I’m good. Thanks.”

He frowns, and I swear I see hurt in his eyes. Jesus, dude. You don’t have to put on the show for me. I’m not interested.

As I head toward the open flap on the tent, I hear him say, “What about the rest of you? Are you content to be nothing in this world because society has determined you don’t fit in? Or are you willing to embrace your greatness right now and join us in The Golden Light?”

I glance back and see nearly everyone in the audience nodding enthusiastically. Suckers. Embrace your greatness. Please. What nonsense.

Shaking my head, I try to stop the memories of what happened later that day from flooding my mind, but it’s no use. The pain rushes through my body, settling in the middle of my chest, as I remember trying to open my front door and my key not working. Now I think I was so naïve, but I never thought she would change the locks on me while I was gone. She promised to wait for me while I was in rehab. I didn’t think the woman I loved would turn her back on me in just thirty days.

I wince as the memory of staring through the window and seeing her sitting on the couch with some guy kissing and holding hands fills my brain. She replaced me and never even bothered to let me know. She could have left me a message I would have gotten when I walked out of rehab so I didn’t make a damn fool of myself going back to an apartment that was no longer mine.

Rage filled me, and like every other time I felt something that hurt, I wanted to turn to drugs. I didn’t give a damn about the fact that I’d succeeded in rehab and gotten off the shit. All I wanted was to get lost in a haze of feeling nothing but good. I didn’t want to experience the pain of losing the only good thing in my life.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle it without shooting up.

After walking toward the old places where I knew I could score something to make me feel better, I couldn’t get that man’s voice out of my head telling me I had greatness in me. Nothing in my life other than making it through rehab pointed toward that being even possible, but those words echoed in my head.

Was he right? Did I have greatness in me? Beneath the stupid choices and the rage, was there something good inside of me?

So I walked back to where the tent was earlier that day, but it was gone. My heart sank. I’d blown my chance to find something better than drugs, and I wasn’t going to make it through the night if I didn’t have them.

I stood in that spot and watched the sun set behind the trees, sure that the next few hours would be my last on earth. I’d find some way to score enough to put me out of my misery once and for all. Fuck Caressa and her new guy. Fuck rehab and all its nice words that meant nothing.

Fuck the world.

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