Page 22 of Because of Her

“I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.” The corners of her lips tilt upward as she apologises, but her cheeks are flushed and her eyes downturned.

Gesturing to the empty cans on the table she adds, “vodka,” with a forced giggle. We’ve only had one drink each, but I allow her the little white lie. We both got swept up in a feeling. I’m not mad about it, but I can tell she is embarrassed.

Cassidy grabs the empty cans from the table, and I can’t help but stare at her when she bends over to pick up a bottlecap that had fallen to the floor.

I sit, caught between disappointment, anger, and arousal. Closing my eyes, I’m greeted by memories of the last time we kissed. Of the last time I let fear get the better of me. Of the last time I pushed her off my lap.

I had no reason to be afraid back then, but I was. When her phone rang and formed a tiny crack between us, I couldn’tstop thinking about what that meant. I became terrified of how far we might have fallen, of what would happen if we carried on with that little crack in our foundations. Afterward, I hated myself for breaking the kiss and running away.

But now? I can’t dive into something like this. I want to, more than anything. The interruption doesn’t feel as devastating as it did the first time, but the old lady knocking was a swift reminder to slow down. Just like they did that day when we were young, my words jumble inside my head. I wish I had the words to tell Cassidy how I feel, but I can’t form the sentences I need.

“I, uh, I’m pretty tired,” Cassidy says.

She stretches her arms wide as she drops her mouth open in what is clearly a fake yawn.

“Sorry,” I mumble as I stand.

Letting myself out of her apartment and into my own, I collapse onto my couch.

I can still taste her on my tongue, the sweet remnants of her fruity drinks. I can still feel how perfectly she fit in my lap, and parts of my body are still protesting. I shudder, grasping my cock through my jeans to ease the pressure. It’s no use.

Unbuttoning my jeans and tugging down the waistband of my jocks, I let the hard length spring free. My eyes roll back in my head as I stroke it, imagining Cass bouncing naked on my lap until I spill onto my shirt. It feels dirty and wrong, and none of the tension I felt has been relieved.

Jerking off has never felt so unsatisfying.

CASSIDY

Not once have I understood movie scenes where the main character literallypacesaround a room. It seems fruitless, an unnecessary use of energy designed to show emotion in what felt like an unauthentic way. And yet, that’s exactly what I find myself doing. As I mutter expletives and furious questions to myself, I storm laps around my tiny apartment. I’ve gone mad. Callum Wilson has wiped any manner of reasonable thought from my brain. I’m fit for a mental institution.

After Callum left, I retreated to the bedroom to get changed. When I returned to the living room, I curled back up on the couch in my cosy tee dress. I tried wrapping myself in grandma’s blanket to read a book, but the words blurred. I turned the TV back on and scrolled for something to watch, but nothing felt appealing. I couldn’t distract myself. Wanting to get rid of the lump in my throat, I stood to get a glass of water from the kitchen. But when I made it to the counter, I just kept walking, the movement helping burn off the built-up energy in my limbs.

I made an absolute fool of myself. I want to cry with embarrassment, and simultaneously pull my hair out at the stupidity of my actions. Right when Callum and I were rebuilding our friendship, I had to ruin it by climbing on top of him.

The heat from my core is still racing through me, but I also feel teleported back in time to the last time I kissed Callum Wilson.

“I can’t believe you quit.” Callum stands with a drink in one hand. The other rests on the wall above my head. “Good for you.” He tips his drink toward me before taking a swig.

Words have escaped me for the first time around Callum. In the three years I’ve known him, we’ve become incredibly close. We tell each other everything. Well, almost everything. The only thing I’ve ever been afraid to tell him, is how I really feel.

He was eighteen when I met him. At three years younger, I’m sure he looked at me like a little sister, but the way I looked at him was far from brotherly. Now though, I’m older, and I’m ready for him to stop looking at me like a sister, or a friend. I want him to look at me the way he used to look at his neighbour. When she dumped him, it took everything I had not to crawl onto his lap and kiss away his tears.

Tonight though, that’s exactly what I plan to do. Minus the tears.

“I’ll miss working with you though.” I look up at him through my lashes. I’m trying to flirt, but I’ve never really tried to get a guy’s attention before. I don’t know if it’s working, or if I look downright ridiculous.

“It’s pretty loud here,” he says into my ear. His breath is hot, sending a shiver down my neck.

Grabbing my hand, he leads the way out of the garage towards the back corner of the yard. We’re at a friend of a work friend’s party, and I doubt anyone will miss us. There’s a cute little bench seat surrounded by bottle brush, and I follow as Callum turns to sit down. Beside the chair is a pottery bird bath, and my mind wanders to the lorikeets that must love this little set up during the spring.

“It’s cute here,” I say as I sit down. I stay close, my leg up against Callum’s and our shoulders touching. His hands are underhis legs, and his knee bounces up and down. I know him, and I know how he acts when he is nervous. I just don’t understand what it is about this moment that is making him feel that way now.

“Cass,” he whispers.

I turn towards him and place a hand on his jittering knee. My touch calms him.

“Yeah,” I whisper back, looking up at him.

This is my chance. We’ve both had enough drinks to feel relaxed, but not so many we can’t make smart choices. And since we don’t work together, there’s nothing holding us back from being together in the way I want. In the way I hope he wants. I flick my gaze down to his lips and see him do the same.

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