Page 32 of Because of Her

“Argh,” I hear from the hallway.

I sink further into the bed, knowing whatever silly dating mess Amira is caught up with, my day was worse.

“I said argh,” she yells down the hall when I don’t answer.

“Yes, and when I did that you told me to suck it up,” I yell back.

“Fair,” Amira says with a groan as she makes her way down the hall. Her footsteps are long and slow, I can hear her slippers dragging on the hybrid flooring.

I meet her in the lounge. She must see my aching heart through my eyes because she stretches her arms out and pulls me to the couch. Curling up together, Amira rests her head on my lap. I twist until my head is resting on her shoulder.

“Callum,” I choke out behind a sob.

Amira sits up straighter, “Tell me he didn’t reject you again?”

My whole body shudders.

“He has a daughter. Five maybe, or four, I didn’t ask.”

“Oh,” is all that escapes Amira as she sits back in contemplation.

“Oh,” she repeats. She looks to be in the same sort of shock I was in.

We sit, processing the news, Amira realises what I’ve been trying to convince myself of since I found out the news.

“It doesn’t change anything though, does it?”

“I suppose it shouldn’t.”

I rub my hands over my face, and up through my hair, sweeping it to one side and over my shoulder. Twirling a thick piece around my finger, I bite at the inside of my cheek while I try to find the words to express how I feel.

“I think mostly it took me by surprise,” I finally get out. “But I also don’t understand why itwassuch a surprise. Like, why hadn’t he said anything before?”

Amira curls her knees underneath her, pulling a blanket over her dress.

“And what about her mum?” I continue, spitting out all the questions in my head. Amira won’t know the answers, but it feels good to get them out in the air. “Are they still together, why have we never seen her? God, did I kiss him the other week and that was him cheating on the mother of his child? Am I a homewrecker? An attempted homewrecker? Maybe that’s why he threw me off him?”

Laughing softly, Amira places a calming hand on my shoulder.

“I doubt they are still together. He clearly lives alone and if they have a kid, they wouldn’t live apart if they weren’t.”

“Okay, fine,” I admit. “But what does this even mean for us? I keep telling myself we are just friends, but I can’t shake this feeling he wants more. I see it in the way he looks at me, I feel it every time his hands linger after a hug.”

I stop, not wanting to acknowledge the aching that ploughs through me every time I think the words ‘friend’ and ‘Callum’ in the same sentence. I feel the electricity in the room when we are together. The attraction between us still lingers, and I doubt the part of me that wonders what more we could be will ever go away.

“If he did want more, could you be with him, now you know he has a daughter?” Amira asks, feeding my fantasy with a side of salt.

“No. It sounds terrible, but I couldn’t. Not now. Not after how final I made my decision with Blake. We tried. We triedso hardto have a baby, and when we couldn’t, I made peace with that. How can I even consider becoming a step-mother after that? No matter how perfect the guy is.”

It feels heavy, like it should have been harder to cometo that conclusion. The answers flew out of my mouth without hesitation, but now the words are in the open, they feel harsh. Even with my certainty about our future, the part of me that longs for Callum still festers in my heart. And it hurts.

“I’d never be enough for him. And that little girl will always come before me. I don’t want to have to fight for his attention.”

Amira curls herself back into my lap.

“You’re fucked,” she says.

I laugh in response.

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