Page 34 of Because of Her

As I rise my fist to knock again, it swings open.

Wearing nothing but a baggy, faded black shirt and a pair of green fluffy socks, the sight of Cassidy steals the sticky air from my lungs. Her hair has been swept up from its ponytail, a giant black clip holding it in a messy bun.

Without speaking, she steps back and gestures for me to come into her apartment. I pause. I came to her, and I’m not sure what I expected, but her invitation has left me feeling unsettled. Walking in, I don’t sit down, instead, opting to lean against the island bench to watch her make her way back up the hall.

The thick air from the hallway has wafted through to Cassidy’s apartment, sucking the final sliver of warmth from my lungs.

I don’t know how to start. None of the phrases that rattle through my head seem like enough to smooth things over.Now that everything is all out in the open, it’s like I want to throw myself in headfirst. But, I don’t think I can do that without scaring Cassidy off.

And there is something about her demeanour that tells me she isn’t ready for me to throw myself at her. I just can’t figure out what it is.

Cassidy’s fingers twitch by her sides, playing with the ring she always wears. Her breath wavers. Fidgeting, she straightens all the cushions before collapsing into the nest she created, covering herself with the scrappy pink blanket that had been draped along the back of the couch.

We’ve shared quiet moments before, but they have never felt as awkward as this one. The urge to fill the void overwhelms me.

“I was going to order pizza,” I finally say.

She turns to face me, wrapped in the blanket like it can protect her from the uncomfortable air. She reaches for the table and picks up her phone, checking the notification on the screen.

“I’ve got one coming. Gregory is six minutes away.”

I push off the bench. “Right, sorry, I’ll go.”

“Ha.” Her breath comes out as a quick, loud laugh. “Gregory is the Uber driver. You can stay.”

Cassidy turns towards the hall, her eyebrows crooked. “Your daughter?”

“Maisie is back with her mum for the night.”

She nods, short and sharp, as a puff of air escapes her lips.

The tension that had sprung to my shoulders eases, and I sit myself down on one of the mismatched dining chairs.

Cassidy and Amira’s apartment is intimate and welcoming, nothing like the clinical feel my own still holds. My furniture came direct from the online catalogue, picked in such a rush I’m not even sure I like it. But here? Nothing matches,and everything oozes comfort. The odd chairs, the bright blanket, the absurd bird paintings behind the couch. Every piece tells a story of their friendship and I want to learn them all.

“About the other night—” I start at the same time she says, “No booze tonight.”

Her body slackens as she collapses onto the couch, pulling her legs underneath her, still wrapped in the blanket.

“I took it too far,” she speaks into the blanket. Blush rises to her cheeks. “The vodka went to my head and, honestly, I was horny.”

I can’t hold in my laugh and her features soften as she leans back on the pillow.

“Same,” I reply, deciding to be honest. “I’m sorry I freaked out. Again.”

Cassidy stares wide eyed.

“Mm hmm.” Tight lipped, she jerks her head, encouraging me to continue.

“I wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t want to,” I say, “but when you, you know …” I gesture to my lap, hoping she knows what I’m talking about without me having to say it.

Shuffling my feet underneath me, I wring my hands in my lap. I haven’t been this nervous since high school.

Cassidy stands up. “I’ve changed my mind. We need wine.”

The irony is not lost on me that alcohol got us into this awkwardness, and I’m pretty sure the liquid courage will help get us out of it. I force myself to look away when she leans down to choose a bottle from the bottom of the wine rack.

“It’s embarrassing,” I start, “but when we worked together, I had the biggest crush on you.”

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