Page 81 of Because of Her

I expel the words as soon as Audrey answers the phone. My blood boils, my ears so hot I’m sure steam is rising. I pace laps around the living area, forcing the built up adrenaline to release. Because as angry as I feel, this needs a civil conversation, and I need to keep my voice down.

I can see my ex-wife’s sigh as much as I can hear it. The way her eyes would close and she would rub the middle of her forehead with her finger.

“Like you can talk with that bitch from across the hall?” Audrey slaps back at me.

I explode. I’m not normally a violent person, but I punch the back of the couch as I storm past. Cassidy is anything but a bitch, and it’s infuriating anyone would label her as such. Never mind the fact she’s never stayed the night while Maisiewas here. Or the fact it’s apparently over now. That my life was too hard for her to accept and I have to be okay with that. Even when I feel anything but okay.

I explain it all to Audrey, doubting she would listen anyway.

“And besides,” I add, “Cassidy is a long-time friend, it’s different. I trust her. And I told you about her.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Audrey is insistent. “You can have your new partner and I’ll have mine.”

“It’s hardly the same,” I scoff. “How would you have felt if I introduced Cassidy into Maisie’s life without letting you know? If she stayed here while Maisie slept in the other room and you didn’t even know about her?”

Audrey is silent.

“See.” The word spits out through gritted teeth as I collapse onto the couch. “You wouldn’t like it.”

She sighs again. It’s less forced this time, and I imagine the way she, too, might have sat down or leaned her weight against the counter.

“No,” she admits. “I wouldn’t. It would feel like I was being replaced.”

I hold in an exasperated breath of my own because that’s not what I meant. I’m not comfortable with a stranger sleeping in the same house as my daughter.

“What if Maisie woke in the night and went to you? But instead, she found some guy she’s only known for a few weeks?”

Audrey falls silent again.

“I didn’t think of that,” she finally says. Her tone has softened, and I get a glimpse of the woman I married. Her caring nature, how she would always put others before herself.

Becoming parents changed both of us, for the better in some ways, but certainly for the worse in others.

Falling out of love with someone is much harder thanfalling in love with them. Because although we changed, although we realised how incompatible we were, I’ll always love the woman she was when we met. And I’ll always cherish the good memories.

Without Audrey, I wouldn’t have Maisie, so a part of me will always hold her dear. But I’ve realised it’s time for both of us to move on with our lives.

“We both deserve to move on, to love again and to be loved,” I tell her.

Despite the anger I felt earlier, I find as much comfort in the words as I hope to give her. When she hums her agreement, I continue.

“There is no rule book for divorce. Just like there was no book for marriage, or parenting. We are all making this up as we go. Both of us are going to make mistakes, Audrey. All we can do is learn from them. I don’t care that you’re seeing someone, I don’t care who it is or how you met or how quickly you fall into a relationship. Your dating life is your dating life.”

When she sucks in a breath, I get the sense Audrey wants to refute what I’m saying, but I keep talking. I’m telling myself these words as much as I’m telling Audrey, and it feels like I need to get them out in the open.

“But when your dating life collides with our daughter, that’s when I need to know. And that’s when you will know about my dating life.”

Audrey whimpers a tiny “okay” before repeating herself. “Okay,” she says, and I can hear the smile forming on her face.

It reminds me of all the good Audrey and I once had. Of the holidays spent with my family, the love we shared when Maisie was born. Although things got as rough as they did by the end, we shared something special for a while. Maisie will always be the perfect reminder of that.

Audrey and I are resting on the turning point in our divorce and I wonder if things will be easier from now on.She is an incredible mother, and everything she does—everything she has done—has been with Maisie’s wellbeing front of mind.

“Will Cassidy—”

“No,” I cut her off. “I don’t think so.”

“Maisie likes her.”

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