Page 56 of Because of Them

Doubt starts to fester. I rush a goodbye to Cassidy and hobble my way back to my car. The seed rocks in my gut and nausea swirls. How can Michael be sure I’m the one if there have been so many others? There’s nothing special about me. Nothing except the babies.

No.I force the spiteful feeling out before it has a chance to fertilise the tiny doubt seed that has been planted. He told me his feelings aren’t because of them. I have to believe that. Idobelieve that. If I don’t, everything crumbles right as it is beginning to bloom.

Forcibly, I swallow down the lump in my throat, burying the bitter seed down with it. I can’t do anything to get rid of it now, but I can refuse to feed it. I won’t let it grow. I won’t let it sprout into something that could tear us apart for no good reason.

And if it grows on its own, without my negative thoughts feeding it? Well then maybe it was meant to be there all along.

MICHAEL

My feet twitch inside my boots. Not the work ones, for a change. A pair of nice leather ones Brendan assured me would make me ‘look the part’. Sure, they look nice, but they squeeze at the sides of my feet and rub at the back of my heels. I’d much prefer my worn in steel caps, even if the seams are a little frayed and the years of mud has stained the black into a faded, murky grey.

I also wish I’d been to the gym this morning. Worked off some of the excess energy that swims through me. My calf cramps as I walk across the driveway, a painful reminder that I’ve skipped leg day most of all. But the truth is, going to the gym just hasn’t had the same appeal lately. Not when I could be spending time with Audrey. I still care about my fitness and I do enough to maintain the physique I’ve grown accustomed to, but smashing endless weights day in and day out, fighting to liftthat little bit more than the guy next to me, just doesn’t have the same appeal anymore.

Even so, it’s a good release when I need it, and I should have gone this morning. Should have anticipated the anxious way my limbs feel like they’re on fire and my pulse pounds against my neck.

Too late to go back now though. I step up to Audrey’s porch and freeze with my hand on the door handle. Should I knock? I stayed here the night before last, and the one before that. And plenty of other nights over the past few weeks. We agreed that I would make a gradual move into the house, easing my way into Audrey’s—and Maisie’s—day-to-day lives. This place is starting to feel like home, but I don’t know if I should call it that yet. Or if I should act like it, or if I should knock on the door like a guest.

A shared laughter echoes from deep within the house, the low bass of Christmas music wafts through the windows. And then, Maisie’s cheerful chatter, distinct as though she is right on the other side of the front door.

“I want … when … Michael …” I don’t catch all the words as she chitters away at a breakneck speed, but that was definitely my name.

I wiggle my toes, hoping the itch disappears when they realise the boots are staying. It doesn’t, at least not yet. Baxter steps in between my legs. His tail wags vigorously, slapping my legs with his playful force.

“Okay,” I whisper down to him.

Straightening my shoulders, I turn the matte black knob and push into the house.

Maisie squeals from down the hall, barrelling towards me and cheering. Baxter pulls at his lead, bouncing to meet her. They’ve met before, but every time it’s the same playful excitement. From both of them.

Once Baxter has found some chill, I unclip the lead and let him nuzzle against Maisie’s stomach. She pets his back in long strokes.

“Oh Baxter, my sweet sweet boy.”

I can’t hold back the smile that spreads across my face as I watch the two of them. He’d never been around kids before, and I’d been so worried how he would react. To Maisie, sure, but also to the babies. But he has fully committed to the fur-brother role.

“Hi Michael,” Maisie sings, keeping both hands on Baxter. He nuzzles against them when her movements slow to a stop.

“Hey Maisie.”

“We’re down here,” Audrey’s voice floats through the house, her gentle melody soaks into my skin, heating my soul from the inside out.

I make my way towards her, nudging Baxter out of the way as I move past. “Let me know if he gets annoying,” I tell Maisie. She opens her mouth, eyes wide as she shakes her head.

The dining table has been turned into a spread, far too large for the four of us and Maisie. A small selection of deli meats is scattered between countless cheeses, fruit, dips, chocolate pretzels, veggie sticks, chips, mini cupcakes, candy canes and gingerbread. Nothing is missing. In the centre is the crystal vase my mum helped me pick out for Audrey’s birthday. The lilies I got her started wilting a while ago, but they’ve been replaced with an abundance of greenery, deep burgundy flowers and bright red … berries? I think. They spill out onto the table in a way that can only be deliberate, the green gum leaves twisting around the plates of food. The flowers and berries are scattered throughout and the whole thing looks like it belongs in a Christmas catalogue. It begs me to start eating, and I’m desperate to fill the pit that’s been forming in my stomach, but it’s also incrediblyperfect.I don’t want to ruin it.

“I went a little overboard.” Audrey gestures to the table from where she sits on one of the stools by the island bench.

Callum sits at the head of the table, holding Cassidy between his legs. He chuckles. “A little.”

“Well, I did too.” Cassidy steps away from him, arms folding. She glares down at her boyfriend before turning to me. “Hi Michael.”

Bonus Family Christmas. That’s what the women had called it when they came up with the idea. A new tradition because even though they are divorced, Maisie deserves a celebration with both her parents together. It makes sense, mostly because Audrey and Cassidy somehow get along so well. I wasn’t going to question their decision either way though.

Maisie runs into the room demanding that it’s time for presents.

“You said as soon as Michael gets her,” she whines.

“No, I said we have to wait for Michael to get here. That’s not the same thing.” Callum’s voice is calm but stern, a skill I’ll have to master.

---