Page 74 of Because of Them

Over the noise that pulls at my heart and hurts in my bones, I hear Cassidy fighting the same battle down the hall. William crying out, just like his brother. Cassidy’s trim nail tappingagainst his dummy as she tries to keep it in his mouth. Hersh, sh, shhing in time with her footsteps.

They weren’t supposed to stay. They might have even had plans. But when they came to drop Maisie off, they found me trapped on the couch. Two crying babies wriggling against my chest, my own tears dripping onto their soft heads.

When they woke, I’d tried to feed William and Henry the bottles that Michael had got ready, but neither of them drank much. I managed to change both their nappies before the screaming really kicked up. Nothing worked. Nothing is working. And if only Michael was here maybe I wouldn’t have fallen apart.

He’s not though. I have no idea where he is because he said he had a ‘meeting’, but he has been gone for hours.

Disappointment began to brew the minute the door clicked shut behind him. Anger mixed in as his car drove off down the length of the driveway. The boys slept soundly in their cots but resentment swirled through me until my head hurt.

How dare he?Have the nerve to just leave as soon as we were settled. It better have been some damn important meeting to have left.

It’s always the leaving, with Michael. There’s always a reason, but he’s always leaving. And I am never afforded the luxury. Imagine, if I just up and left him with the boys without any hint of when I’d return. I couldn’t. And even if I could, I wouldn’t.

“Do you think maybe they want to be close?” Cassidy walks back down the hall, bouncing with each step. She slides right next to me until the boys are close enough to hold hands.

As though they sense each other, an instant calm washes over both of them. Henry starts to suck on his dummy, and with my hand no longer holding it in his mouth, I can shift him in my arms. My stomach aches, the thick scar tissue that slices me in two stretching from all the standing and bouncing and holding.

In Cassidy’s arms, William lets out a tiny whimper, but settles against her chest. One of his tiny arms stretched out to rest on Henry’s head.

“Woah,” Cassidy mutters, the awe in her voice apparent despite her hushed tone. “Should we try to sit?”

“Let’s give them a second, then we’ll try.”

When the boys settle into sleep, we move in tandem to the couch, sitting in sync. My thigh rests against hers as we stay close so that the twins can still reach each other.

“Is this a twin thing?”

I look down at Henry’s near bald head. “Maybe?”

I hope so, but I also hope not. I was blissfully ignorant about how much time I would spend on my own with both boys. I physically can’t carry them both around all the time. The sad truth is that they will have to get used to being apart. Just like I’ll have to get used to being on my own. Again.

I gnaw at the inside of my cheek, hoping to hide the self-loathing that spreads across my skin. It tingles like sunburn that’s ready to peel and I wriggle against the sensation. I should have known. People don’t change. Not the way I wanted Michael to. Not the way I hoped he had. I push him from my thoughts, not ready to face the cold truth anymore.

Cassidy shifts her weight next to me, swapping the hand that rests under William’s bottom. Her new free hand traces tiny circles on his back. With her eyes closed, Cassidy lets out a breath, it hitches in the middle, but she sucks air back with a sniff.

“I’m sorry if this is hard for you.” It would be hard for me, if I’d been dealt Cassidy’s cards.

She shakes her head. “It’s not, which surprises me. It just feels right. To have these boys in my life in this way. I know it must be hard for you, with everything right now. But for me this feels right.”

I don’t force out any unnecessary words, instead falling into a silence that’s broken only by soft whimpers from the boys and heavy sighs from me.

“Did Michael say when he would be home?”

I purse my lips. “No.”

Cassidy shifts to turn her body towards mine. William wriggles in her lap and we hold our breaths, waiting to see if the movement has broken the spell. It hasn’t, because he settles back into place, sucking at his dummy.

“I still think he has changed. This was a massive error in judgement, but Noah says he is determined to make the hotel build a success. He’s desperate to prove himself. To his dad, and to you.”

Before I can answer, the sound of a car coming up the driveway echoes through the hall. Maisie runs into the house. She stops in her tracks when she sees us on the couch. Creeping over, she pats each of her brothers tenderly on the head before turning to the front of the house.

“Michael!” She stage whispers before running to open the front door for him.

Callum follows Maisie into the house, detouring into the kitchen.

Beside me, Cassidy stands awkwardly, inching the boys apart. Neither of them protest, so she stalks off through the house. I hear hushed words, the shuffling of fabric, and eventually three very different sets of footsteps coming through the house.

“Maisie, why don’t you practise some of your new ballet positions in your room. Do you have the book we got you?” Cassidy directs Maisie into her bedroom.

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