Page 29 of Utterly Dauntless

The therapist's office was in an old stone building near the river. Aries had walked there, needing the time to gather her thoughts. She'd called that morning, expecting to wait weeks for an appointment, but they'd had a cancellation.

Dr. MacDonald was younger than Aries expected, with kind eyes and a quiet manner that put her at ease. The woman didn't push when Aries stumbled over explanations, didn't question the gaps in her story. She simply listened.

"So you see," Aries concluded, "I've spent years believing I didn't deserve to be happy...when my family couldn't be."

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. "That's a heavy burden to carry alone."

"I thought...I thought if I could just stay away from the things that made me happy, I could honor their memory better."

"And did that work?"

"No." Aries' voice cracked. "I was miserable. And being miserable only tamped down the guilt. It didn’t get rid of it."

The doctor nodded. "So, tell me, if your sister were here now, what would she say about you denying yourself?"

The question hit Aries funny. She could see Gemi's face clearly, could hear her voice: "Ye daft cow, what are ye thinkin'?"

"She'd be furious, would probably smack me on the back of my head."

"And your parents?"

"The same. Only they wouldn't smack me." She swallowed hard at the next thought. "They would have loved Grey."

"So by denying yourself joy, you're actually going against their wishes."

Aries sat back, surprised by the simple reasoning. All these years, she'd thought she was honoring them.

"It's not your fault they died, but you're a smart woman. You know that." The doctor smiled. "But you'd be surprised how common it is for people to feel guilt after a loss. And you've had thattimes four. I suggest you give yourself a little grace."

“Speaking of grace…” She told the woman a slightly toned-down version of the kidnapping and her rescue. “I guess it will take a little time before I stop slipping salt into my pockets when I walk through the kitchen. And I keep finding the cooking spray in my purse.”

The doctor laughed lightly. “Look on the bright side. It will give us something to work on.”

The session was over before Aries knew it, and she promised to be back. "Thank you. I should have done this years ago."

"Better late than never."

The walk home seemed shorter,easier, as if a substantial weight had been lifted off her shoulders. The late afternoon sunsparkled on the river, and for the first time in years, Aries felt like she could breathe properly.

Gran was in her garden when Aries returned, carefully deadheading her roses. She looked up and must have seen something in Aries' face because she straightened immediately. "Well?"

"I've made a terrible mistake."

"Which is?"

"I...I want Grey back. I don't deserve him, but I want him anyway."

"And what do ye plan to do about it?"

"I don't know if I can fix it. He's gone. Really gone."

"Is he?" The old woman's eyes sparkled. "Maybe this was meant to be."

"Gran!"

"Maybe he was meant to stop chasin'...so you could start."

Culloden's79 were surprisingly unhelpful.

---