Page 29 of The Paris Chapter

‘Yet. Not helpingyet,’ Ethan corrected. ‘There’s still time. If you want to take your mind off it, I do have an invite for tonight.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘It’s Juliette’s brother’s birthday. Juliette is having people over to her apartment. I know you don’t like parties but we could show our faces, have a drink then escape?’

The word ‘we’ hung in the air.

I like it more than I know I should.

I nodded. ‘Okay,’ I said, wishing that word hadn’t enveloped me in warmth like a hug. I got up from the table and followed Ethan back inside, carrying my laptop in and putting it on the coffee table. I shoved my phone in my pocket, not wanting to see Joe’s name on my screen again. I thought about telling Ethan but that felt like it would be giving Joe even more power. I didn’t want him to know seeing his like on my post had even registered in my brain.

‘How about pasta to fuel us?’ Ethan said then, wandering to the kitchen.

‘You might be the best roommate,’ I replied.

‘Ah, now I see why you’ve let me stay: it’s not for my company,it’s for my food.’ He began taking ingredients out of a bag on the counter. He looked up at me and grinned.

I smiled back. Ethan somehow made everything feel better. ‘You caught me.’

His smile faltered a little bit. ‘I just thought I should check: I know last night you asked me to stay, but…’ He started to chop vegetables. ‘Are you sure? I mean, if we’re going to Juliette’s then I could stay there tonight if you want…’ He trailed off again. I could feel his awkwardness. I kind of liked it that he was as unsure as me about all of this. It made a change. Usually I was the one overthinking in relationships. I wondered now if it showed I had cared more than the other person every time. Or they had made me feel unsure. I wanted someone to let me feel sure.

‘I still want you to stay. If you do too,’ I said, braving the honesty again. Ethan made me want to be honest. Made me want to say things I usually just said in my own head.

He glanced up at me. ‘Great,’ he said.

I cleared my throat. ‘So, how was your course today?’ I asked, climbing up on one of the bar stools to watch him cook, hiding how wide my smile was to hear him say he wanted to stay as well.

Ethan tutted. ‘Not great. A customer complained about their meal and the chef went out into the restaurant and told him they had no taste and to get out.’

‘I can’t believe the chef acted like that! Is he not worried people will stop coming to his restaurant?’

‘I think he kind of leans in to that stereotypical, aggressive-chef persona. Thinks it’s part of his brand now. And to be fair, that dish was perfect and the customer seemed to be trying it on, hoping to get it for free. People were filming. It’s blowing up onsocial media so you probably won’t be able to get a table there for months now. His food is exquisite, otherwise I would have fled by now,’ Ethan said as he chopped basil. I watched his dexterity with the knife in awe. I would slice my fingers off if I attempted to chop like that.

‘What’s your favourite French saying?’ I asked after a moment.

Ethan considered the question. ‘La vie est trop courte pour boire du mauvais vin. Life is too short to drink bad wine.’

I chuckled. ‘Amen to that. Shall I get us some?’

‘After today? Hell, yes.’

I poured us both a glass of French red wine. I raised my glass and he clinked his against mine. ‘I think you’re right about what you said just now – about being kind to myself. I’ve been beating myself up these past few weeks about not being able to write. And I know that’s making this block worse. My friends persuaded me to come on this trip so I could take inspiration from the City of Love, but maybe it’s more about taking time for myself. Hanging out with you and Juliette, it’s been really fun; it’s meant I haven’t been constantly worrying like I was at home. Don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified about this deadline and having to write a romantic story,’ I said, grimacing at the wordromantic. I watched as Ethan tipped the vegetables into a pan on the hob. ‘But trying to make myself do it isn’t working. I need to try to chill.’

‘I get the impression chilling isn’t very you?’ Ethan smiled over his shoulder at me.

‘My default is worry and anxiety, but you are inspiring me. You are very chill.’

‘Not always. I have worries. I worry about the future, and people I care about, but I know that worrying won’t stop badthings happening. I’d rather try to take things as they come, as much as I can.’

‘God, I want to be like that.’

‘You shouldn’t try to be anyone but who you are, Tessa.’

I stared at his back, surprised at the very sudden prickling feeling behind my eyes. If I was honest, my six months with Joe had made me feel that I was lacking in some way. That I needed to change if I was going to find someone to love me. That a man like Joe needed more than me. But maybe it was actually the other way round and I needed more than Joe. Maybe I was okay after all. Maybe I could just be myself.

I eyed Ethan. ‘Can I say something?’

‘Hmm,’ he said, arching an eyebrow.

---