Page 84 of Wandering Wild

As much fun as I was having spending time with his friends and Ember, and as surreal as it was to discover how well we all get along, I couldn’t stay in that room with them a minute longer or I would have screamed.

For hours, my mind has been a battleground, ever since I learned how we were manipulated and deceived. At first, I feared Zander had been in on the ruse, but his pale-faced disbelief was genuine. That made it easier to stomach what happened to us, if only because I wasn’t alone in feeling so betrayed. And admittedly, the things he shared when we opened up to each other were much more damning than my own secrets, even if I still wish the world hadn’t been privy to my deepest thoughts. As it was, it took most of the hour before dinner to convince my stepdad that I forgive him for descending into his grief after Mum died, all because of what he heard me tell Zander last night. It was a relief when Hawke’s medic arrived for my health check, since it gave me a break from Jerry’s relentless apologies.

In some small way, part of me is grateful my stepdad was able to witness my heartache and his role in what I’d been bottling up. Ember, too, after the revelations I had about focusing on her for the last few years and forgetting myself in the process. But I still wish I could have told them without millions of strangers watching. I feel so... soviolated, and I’m sure Zander must feel the same, given how much he values his privacy. It’s like the world has seen us naked—in an emotional and psychological sense—and it’s going to take me some time to come to grips with that.

But that’s not why I had to leave our friends in Zander’s room, nor is it why I’ve been avoiding his questioning gaze all night.

I’m not sure when my self-preservation instincts began to kick in, whether it was as soon as the rescue helicopter landed, or when the screaming crowd was pressing in on us, or maybe it was when we learned the truth about our every word and action being streamed live since we left four days ago, but sometime over the last few hours, the inevitable happened:

I came crashing back to reality.

And now I have to make sure Zander crashes with me.

At the guarded look on his face as he approaches me in the garden, I think he might already know. But that doesn’t mean this will be any easier.

“May I sit?” he asks.

I close my eyes as the words pull me straight back to Monday evening when he asked the same question. We were both in our pajamas then, while now we’re in our dinner clothes, his tight blue sweater hugging his torso in a way that has been tempting me all night. Everything would be much simpler if I wasn’t so attracted to him, or if he’d been the troll I’d once hoped for, personality-wise.

But he’s not.

He’s wonderful, and I?—

I halt my own thoughts, not allowing them to continue, and I shuffle over on the cold bench, granting him room.

For a moment, neither of us speaks, but then we both talk at once.

“So I?—”

“Are you?—”

We look at each other with sheepish smiles.

“You first,” Zander offers, nervously rubbing his jeans-clad leg.

The words I need to say get stuck in my throat. Instead, I manage, somewhat lamely, “What a day, huh?”

A half laugh, half moan leaves him and he runs a hand through his hair, ruffling the now-clean silver strands. “You said it. Can you believe that this time last night we were under these very same stars, having no idea that—” He stops himself, wincing.

But he doesn’t need to finish for me to know what he was going to say:...having no idea that the world was watching us pour our hearts out to each other.

“It’s pretty unreal,” I agree, rasping slightly. I clear my throat and say, my voice soft, “I’m glad you and Maddox have made up. He seems really great. Summer, too.”

“We have a lot of work ahead of us,” Zander says, looking out at the misted national park. “But yeah, I’m so happy he’s here.” He turns to me, his lips quirking. “I think you owe me an ‘I told you so’ now that my bromance is back on track.”

My lips quirk in return. “That sounds like something a smug know-it-all would say.”

He laughs, the sound full of relief, and I instantly feel awful, wondering why I’m letting this go on.

But I know why.

Because I don’t want it to end.

Even if it has to.

I sober, and am about to try once more to say the words, but Zander gets in first, his serious eyes capturing mine. “Thank you, Charlie. You got me Titan, and I’ll never be able to?—”

“Yougot you Titan,” I interrupt firmly, not letting him give me the credit. It took all my willpower to resist throwing my arms around him when he shared the news at dinner, especially when I saw his puzzled, hurt expression at my lack of reaction. “The world fell in love withyou, Zander. Or re-fell—whatever you want to call it. I was just along for the ride.”

---