Page 17 of Long Road Home

Two years later, I took off on him and destroyed all the plans we’d made.

What could I say? I was a Matsen. We ran when shit got hard and we couldn’t deal.

“Mom?”

I jumped at Toby’s voice, almost slamming my head into Jordan’s chin.

“Oh shit,” I cursed and then cringed. I tried hard not to curse in front of my kid. “Toby?”

Jordan pushed off the doorframe and stepped back. “Holy shit,” he whispered, and his hand slammed into the wall on the other side of the hall.

God. This moment. It was not how I planned it. Toby’s eyes, same icy blue as Jordan’s, bounced back and forth between us and before I reached him, his chin was already shaking along with his hands and his entire body.

“Toby.” I curled my hands around him, blocking his view. “What’s up, kiddo?”

“I’m hungry.” His eyes were glued to Jordan behind me. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out both of them had gone frozen at the sight of each other.

Shit. Damn it!

His spine stiffened, and I gave him a little shake. As his eyes slid to me, tears were already pooling in them. “Why is he here?”

“He came to talk honey. And he knows, kiddo.”

Crap on a cracker. I squeezed my eyes closed and inhaled a strengthening breath. Tillie’s house was old, and the walls weren’t thick, even to the outside. He could have heard us shouting. Hopefully, he had kept his Beats on until he came inside and heard nothing.

I stood in front of him and blocked his view, tried to get his attention but his gaze kept sliding over my shoulder.

“Toby. We talked about this last night. But Jordan…he came over to talk today, and I told him. He wants to meet you. Do you want that?”

Angry, icy slits slid back to me and he shrugged his shoulders beneath my hands. “Whatever.”

Oh good. We were back to typical tween behavior. I couldn’t fault him. His tears were controlled though, and I gave him a moment and then I stepped to the side, pulling us both into the mouth of the hallway where we’d have more space.

Jordan stayed where he was, one hand bracing him on the wall like he’d fall without the support. His other hand was at his chest rubbing his sternum. He was staring at a mirror image of himself when he’d been ten, and now he knew everything.

The magnitude of everything I’d done, every choice I made hit me and it was then, that moment, I realized the forceful truth of what Jordan had said to me.

When I found out I was pregnant, Jordan had deserved the trust I had in him to do right by not only me but his kid, too. I’d ripped that away from him.

I wassucha selfish bitch.

“Jordan.”

“Yeah.” He gave me a chin lift, eyes never leaving Toby. Then slowly, they lifted, and he sliced through my heart with that look of pain. He stepped toward us. In my hold, Toby stiffened. “You’re one damn good-looking kid, Tobias.”

“He prefers Toby,” I said, and another slash of pain went straight across Jordan’s face. I kept on, stupidly talking. “And I try not to curse in front of him.”

“But you still do sometimes,” Toby said, and I looked down to see his head dipped all the way, looking up at me. “Actually, a lot.”

“Yeah. Sorry.” I gave him a little shake and tried to grin. Pretty sure I looked manic. “Toby, this is Jordan. Your dad.”

Jordan had kept moving and he was in front of us. He was so damn tall; he crouched down in front of Toby, so they were almost at eye level. “It’s really nice to meet you, Toby.”

Jordan held out his hand. The hands of time slid to slow motion as I waited. Finally Toby lifted his hand and placed it in Jordan’s.

“Hey,” his little, not yet manly voice said, shaking like a leaf.

Tears fell down my cheeks, mirrored by the same thing happening on Jordan’s face. He didn’t even try to hide the emotion he was battling.

---