Page 34 of Long Road Home

“You’re not coming back, are you?”

“I talked to Toby and Allison. We’re going to stay until he needs to get back to start school, but—”

He lifted his hand, palm out, and shook his head. “You know what hurts worse right now? Is that you didn’t even think to talk to me about this in making your decision, did you?”

I’d thought about missing him. I’d thought about how to tell him. But no, I hadn’t considered at all discussing this with a man who had been in my life for so long. Had I really kept him that far on the sidelines? “I’m sorry. And I don’t want to hurt you further, but we’re not together anymore.”

I’d tried to soften up the truth as much as possible. Based on the way he looked like I’d slapped him, I failed.

“Yeah, I am, too.” He dropped his hand, studied the floor again and when he lifted his head back to me, my chestachedfrom the look on his face. “You were never going to be mine, were you? Not in the way I wanted. Not in the way I love you.”

I opened my mouth to speak, to apologize again, but he shook his head. “Don’t apologize. I don’t want to hear it.”

I was sorry. I was so damn sorry for hurting him. For having to tell him like this. It was better face-to-face than on the phone, but harder too. And strength had never been something I excelled in.

I’d expected more time to be able to get my shit together and handle it better than I currently was. Tears spilled down my cheeks and I pushed them away with the back of my hand.

“I love you,” he said. “I love Toby like he was mine. I would have given you two a life where you never had to worry about anything and both of you always knew you had someone in your corner, loving you, rooting for you. I would have given you everything you wanted. I thought you breaking up with me so close after Tillie’s death…you just needed time. That wasn’t it though, was it?”

I could barely speak. He was killing me. He looked worse. As I fought for words to say, something to make him feel better, he found his first.

His chin shook and those tears rimming his eyes began falling. He didn’t bother wiping them away. “I want to say goodbye to Toby.”

“Of course. You can—”

“Don’t say I can stay in his life. That’s not fair to me or him or you. I just never thought I’d have to say goodbye to either of you.” He laughed that sad laugh that shot pain to my heart. “I should have known it was coming though, huh?”

He didn’t want my apologies, but there was nothing else to say. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.” He came to me, stepping into my space for the first time since he’d arrived, and the last time he ever would. His hand cupped the back of my neck and he yanked me to him, pressing his lips to my forehead. His body shook, and I fought so hard not to collapse into him, to wrap my arms around him and tell him I could do better. I could try harder. I could love him like he needed. But it’d be more lies thrown onto my already enormous pile and it wouldn’t do anyone any good. “Be well, Janey. I’ll miss you.”

He pressed his lips more harshly to my forehead and stepped back forcefully. He didn’t look me in the eye as he said, “I’ll wait outside. Say my goodbyes to Toby and head back to the airport.”

“He’ll be okay,”Jordan said. He slid up next to where I was currently watching Toby yanking weeds out of Tillie’s backyard garden.

What felt like a lifetime ago, they returned, and Jordan came inside with breakfast pizzas. Shortly after, Toby thundered through the house, slamming doors. He ran straight out back where he slumped himself onto a lounge chair on the back deck.

A few minutes later, a car started and then quieted. Paul had said his goodbyes and my son was hurting. My heart ached to go to him while my body stayed frozen. What did you say to a boy who may have gained a father, but lost the only dad-figure he’d ever known?

Jordan had settled his hand on my shoulder and said, “I’ll handle it.”

It was my problem. Mine to deal with. My son’s heart to mend.

Still, it had felt so damn good…Jordan touching me. His soft words. His even softer look. For once he hadn’t been radiating malice from every pore in his body. I’d nodded and let him. He wasn’t out there for long, but after saying only a few words to Toby, Jordan grabbed a bucket and took Toby to the garden.

“Pulling weeds will make him okay?”

“No. Pulling weeds will help him get out all his anger and emotions until he’s worn out and then he’ll be able to talk about it.”

I slid a doubt-filled look his way.

Jordan shrugged. “It’s a guy thing. Dad used to do it to me all the time. Any time I got pissed, he had me muck a stall. Got rid of all that shit flooding my system until I was calm.”

At the mention of his dad, his head turned back toward the window.

My gaze dropped to the counter. “He was a good man,” I whispered. “I’m really sorry you and Rebecca lost so much.”

“Us too. But we got something to add back into what we’ve lost so it hurts, and I wish like hell my dad could have been around to meet Toby. I also think that having him around will go a long way to help both Rebecca and me.”

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