Page 110 of Before We Fell

Ragged white ears, tan face, it was one of the stuffed dogs Riley had brought to my house a handful of times.

I’d crumpled the animal to my chest, sat down on the bed, and breathed in the faint, sweet, sugary scent of Riley’s shampoo until my heart ached.

She at least deserved to have this back.

Which was how I found myself stepping up to Noah’s house, after school on a Friday. The air was crisp and chilly, my fingertips still cold from the short ride to his house from the school and my car hadn’t had enough time to fully warm up. My coat was buttoned and my shoulders were scrunched to my ears as I made my way up the path to his house.

The front of it had a string of Christmas lights neatly strung over the front of his porch.

He’d hung Christmas lights.

Inside, would there be a tree? Did Riley decorate it with the same intense recision in which she’d helped to decorate mine?

Every time I turned my tree lights on at night, I thought of how excited she’d been. How lovely she was that night after a day of spending so much talking about her parents.

And then I remembered the droplets of blood in her hands as she crunched the ornament. The screams that still echoed in my ears and brought tears to my eyes.

I shook off the thought. It wouldn’t do to be a mess before I saw Noah.

I’d wait until after.

His truck was in the driveway, so I knew he was home, but I still paused at the front door. Would Riley be there?

I hadn’t seen her, although I’d received an email from Krystal after they got her set up with online schooling. She’d asked me for the information, asking me where we’d left off in math and in our reading books.

At the end of the email, she’d written a brief personal note, letting me know Riley asked about me, she hoped I was well, and that they were thinking of me.

It was as sweet and kind as Krystal Wilkes was. I had slammed my laptop closed and cried the rest of the night.

But I had to get over this, needed some peace. They weren’t the only ones destroyed by my brother’s actions.

That night had severed the remaining thread of a relationship with my entire family and all I had left were a few friends I could count on one hand, a job that wasn’t the same and wouldn’t be for the rest of the year, and life in a small town where I kept my head down, avoiding everyone in case accusatory looks were flung my way.

Paranoid? Maybe.

Overdramatic? Possibly.

I still didn’t care.

I hugged the doll to my chest, squeezed it in my hand, and took a deep breath, steam falling from my lips as I exhaled, I lifted my hand and knocked.

It didn’t take long before quiet, but firm footsteps headed toward the door on the other side. I didn't know if he peeked through the window before opening it or not, but like always, when Noah opened the door, I had a moment of speechlessness where I forgot everything but how handsome he was.

“Hi,” I said and hated the meekness in my voice.

He looked haggard. Hair always neatly trimmed was long and covering the tips of his ears. His beard was much longer than the slight scruff he’d worn while he was renovating his house, and completely clean shaven since.

It took a moment to recognize him. Or for him to realize I was on his porch because his eyes widened, and then narrowed.

“Hello.”

Hello. I might as well have been a Girl Scout selling cookies door-to-door for all the friendliness he showed.

He scrubbed the back of his head and cringed. “What are you doing here?”

Why had I come? I should have left the dog on the porch and taken off. I didn’t need to see him. Didn’t need to see the blank look in his eyes.

I didn’t need him to hurt me more than I was already hurting.

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