Page 114 of Before We Fell

He jerked, looked at the door. “What?”

“Carlton. I’m leaving. Moving.”

A muscle moved in his cheek, eyes flashed. That whiskey color I hadn’t seen for months was still gone and replaced with mud and devoid of any passion, at least for me.

Riley talked now. Frequently. She emailed me weekly and they were several paragraphs long of run-on sentences and misspelled words, but written with the fervency of a girl who was free. And a girl who loved her uncle.

At least they had that. At least I gave them that.

I long ago suspected Noah knew nothing about them, but since she’d started talking, and she still had access to her school email thanks to her homeschooling, she’d reached out to me. I didn't hear from her much, but I had that week. Tears beckoned and I clenched my hands into fists. So painful, nails dug into flesh and the thump of my veins beneath thin skin.

“I don’t understand,” Noah said. He really didn’t seem to.

I inhaled the deepest breath I could manage. Just being in his presence again felt like I’d been slammed by a wrecking ball. “I came to tell you goodbye. And thank you,” I choked out.

Get this done and go. Say your piece so you can finally find peace.It was Tinley’s advice. She was in my living room, waiting for me, with a bottle or three of wine chilling for me if needed afterward.

God, I had good friends. I’d miss the hell out of her.

“Lauren—” He stepped closer, head tilted. I took two quick steps back. “You don’t need—”

“Actually, I do need. I know you don’t want to see me. I know you never want to hear from me again, and I know that opening your door to me today was difficult, and I’m sorry for that. But that’s all I’m sorry for, Noah.”

“This is your home.”

I scanned the area and when I met his gaze again, he flinched. Walls I helped decorate, a room I’d spent so much time in for just a few months it felt like it’d been home. “Yeah. It was.”

We both knew what he meant. Not this one, but behind the trees with the path that would soon grow over. The one I was standing in though had become more of a home than the one I owned.

“Thank you,” I said, and I stepped toward him. I couldn’t touch him. Couldn’t. I’d fall apart at his feet and the last thing I wanted was for him to feel guilty for putting me back together.

He wouldn’t do it anyway.

“All I wanted, the only thing I wanted since I was a little girl, was to teach children, and have a family. You see, Travis ruined all of that for me. He didn’t just rip away my dream of having a family, he stole my parents. He ruined marriages and all the while, I knew that someday, I’d find someone, a man who would understand the hell I grew up in, and I knew I’d find a man who would break his back to give that to me, knowing that because I wanted it so damn badly, I’d return my gratefulness until my nails bled and my knuckles ached.”

“Lauren—”

He couldn’t speak. My name alone sounded tortured. So did his eyes, that had wrinkled. The muscles that popped in his arms.

“Travis ruined every damn thing in my life from the moment I was old enough to pour my own bowl of cereal, and my parents let him. Everyone let him. Everyone stepped back and kicked me to the side. So I want to say thank you for doing the same thing. Thank you for giving me just a hint of the beautiful dream I wanted so badly, for giving me a life, if even for a little while where I thought I had all I’d ever need, a man who loved me, a little girl I loved with my whole heart. You gave me a family with decent parents and easy lives, so thank you, Noah, for showing me that even though I thought I had a dream, that my dream…my dream guy is still out there.”

“Shit. Lauren. You can’t—”

My anger grew with every word I spoke. All my pain, all my frustration, all my entire broken heart was in his hands and he hadn’t done a damn thing to cherish it. Or to keep it from happening.

I held up a hand, stepping to the door. “Fuck you very much Noah, for proving you’re just like my family. You’re just like everyone who knew Travis. Fuck you for throwing me to the side, all because of something I didn’t do. Something I was completely innocent of, something he did. And I get it, it hurts to know who I’m related to. But that’s blood, so thank you for showing me, you’re just as bad as the rest of them, worse than my parents, because you acted like you were better. So, goodbye. Take care.”

Take care? That wasn’t on the game plan or the written speech I’d practice. But damn. His chest heaved and I stepped around him. I’d done what I came for, and now I could go.

“Don’t go.” It sounded ripped from his throat. “Don’t leave.”

“Give me one reason to stay.”

“I love you.”

And God, the three words. Three words I dreamt of hearing in my sleep. Three words I clung to months ago when I thought all my dreams were finally coming true.

My hand was at the door, the cold doorknob chilled my palm. It killed. Every bone in my body ached as I looked at him over my shoulder. “Not enough.”

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