Page 86 of Cocky Player

“I’ll be okay.”I tapped my water glass.“You should go though.”

“I’m not leaving.I’ll do anything you ask, angel, but please…let me be here for you.”

There was no way to explain it to him.I’d coast by like a zombie for weeks.It didn’t matter how I tried to move on from the episodes, it always took time.More therapy sessions to sort through it.This wasn'tnormal,but I handled it the only way I could.

By going home.

“I’ll be with my parents for a while,” I said.And how stupid and pathetic did that make me?But even now my small bed was too hard.Too itchy.The comforter not right.Nothing made sense unless I was there.

“I’ll come and see you.”

He might.For a while.But what about next time?Or the time after that?What would he do if I lost time for weeks and was confused and slept all day?

He’d tire eventually of how needy I was.How withdrawn.Being normal wasn’t for me.Neither was stability.

“I don’t want you to,” I said and I stared at my water because my heart hurt almost as much as my throat, like I was ripping it out of my chest.

Thinking I could handle the stress of a life with him was insanity.I hadn’t been careful.I hadn’t realized the risks.Whatever happened tonight, it proved one thing.

I was much better wrapped in safety and comfort and then wildness and freedom.

“Brenna.Let’s talk about this later.Don’t push me away.Not now.”

A shadow and then a figure was at my door, my dad pushing it open farther.“Hey, darlin’.”

“Dad.”My chin trembled and I lost it.Right there.Sometimes I needed my damn daddy, but I fought against losing it in front of Connor.

I was humiliated enough.

He came into my room and squeezed my shoulder.“You doin’ okay?”

I nodded, but we both knew I wasn’t.I was sniffing away tears and stared at my lap to avoid Connor’s deep, intense gaze I felt on me, wanting to be there for me.Wanting to help.Wanting to fix it.

But I wasn’t someone who could be fixed.I could be managed.How long until he grew tired of it?

I loved him enough to want more than this for him.He’d never take me out in public again without fear and worry and the memory of whatever fully happened tonight darkening him.Forcing him to be someone different.

“Can you give us a minute?”I asked my dad, looking at him before going back to my lap.

“Yeah.Whatever you need.But your mom and I are here for you.Always.Whatever it is.”

Always.

“I know.”I sniffed and breathed in his cologne.Spicy and manly.So vastly different than my mom’s sweet and calming perfume but familiar all the same.

He clasped his hand to Connor’s shoulder as he left, murmured something I didn’t catch but had Connor nodding.

When we had privacy again, I forced myself to meet Connor’s gaze.“Thank you for bringing me here.For taking care of me.”

“I don’t need thanks for that, Brenna.”

He needed free of it.

“Did you tell my parents?About us?”

He leaned forward, seemed to want to reach for me but instead clasped his hands together and set them both close to my hip.I didn’t reach for them.“I told them everything.I told them what happened.I told them we were dating.”He cleared his throat, debated, and kept his dark eyes on me as he lowered his voice and said, “I told them I loved you.Loved you in a way that will never go away.Please, don’t tell me to go now.”

I’d wanted to hear it.I’d felt it.I felt it from him and I’d known it blossoming in my own soul for him.And God, it was beautiful.

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