Page 115 of All the Ugly Things

A shiver rolled down my spine. There were many nights after I was sentenced I remembered that moment. That paralyzing fear when I realized Billy had me caged in right outside the bathroom.

“Did he hurt you?” Hudson’s hand stalled in my hair and then curled around my shoulder. “Lilly.”

“No.” I shook my head and for the first time since I’d started talking, glanced at Hudson.

His square jaw was hard. Eyes narrowed. Anger pulsed off him and I shook my head again. “No. He didn’t hurt me. He tried, started to, but a couple came out of the bedroom across from us, bumped into him, and he fell down. I ran back to the kitchen and texted Josh.”

“And Josh came.”

A large ball of emotions lodge in my throat.And he came.Hudson made it sound so simple, but I’d had other options that night. Kendra and I could have left. We could have talked to our friends. I didn’thaveto call Josh, it was just my instinct when I needed help.

Guilt and regret and remorse pummeled my veins, making my skin feel tight.

“Yeah, but I didn’t know he’d been drinking, partying with his own football buddies on campus and it took him an hour to get to me. When he did, he went on same crazy rage, beat the guy I told him about until he was a bloody mess. And then he said he needed a drink to calm down. I had one with him—it’d been my only drink in hours, and I didn’t know—”

Tears fell down my cheeks faster than I could shove them away.

“Stay here,” Hudson murmured and uncurled himself from his spot on the couch. I watched him go, wondering if he was going to leave me and escape while he could, but he went to the bathroom and returned with a box of tissues.

He sat back down on the couch and before I could curl into him, he pulled me onto his lap. I collapsed against him like I’d done it a thousand times. God. He was so damngood.

“Here.” He placed the box of tissues on my lap and I hugged them to my stomach while I blotted my eyes and blew my nose.

“Sorry.” I laughed. How gross.

Hudson just took the tissue and tossed it to the table before he handed me a fresh one.

I’d come this far. I needed to finish this. I needed someone other than a girl I’d probably never see again to knoweverything.

“It was April, but we’d had a late spring snowstorm. The roads were icy and slushy. I woke up, after the crash and I was alone in his truck. The last thing I remember is climbing into the driver’s seat and seeing Josh. He rarely wore his seat belt, and he wasn’t in the car when I came to the first time. But the glass was shattered and he was there—lying in snow and leaves and all that blood. So much blood.”

Hudson wrapped his arms around me, pulled me tight against his chest and held me while I cried. I cried for the first time in years, I cried tears of pain I’d long since thought were gone and tears of shame for what I allowed to happen.

“Dad was right. The last thing he said to me was that I killed Josh. That it was my fault, and he’s right.”

Hands at my scalp dug in. “No. Your dad is an asshole and he’s absolutely wrong, Lilly. It was an accident. And Josh should have been able to get the help he needed. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s your dad’s.”

He was wrong. He still didn’t get it. Had I not promised Josh. Had I not called him… I could have found another ride. I could have gone to a friend and stayed with someone that night. I could have done a hundred things that didn’t involve Josh knowing how protective he was of me.

Still, I clung to Hudson’s strength and his warmth and I cried until I collected myself, using more tissues than I’d ever used in one sitting and when I pulled back, my eyes were dry and probably bloodshot. But inside, relief was flickering and growing. Baring all of that to him was draining, so exhausting, and yet, I already felt different.

Lighter somehow.

I sniffed and crumpled my mess of tissues in my fist.

“I woke up again in the hospital and Dad was there. He waspissed. At me. I tried to tell him what happened, but he told me if I didn’t say it was my fault, that he’d kick me out with nothing. He said if I took the fall, I’d get community service, a slap on the wrist, but if Josh did, it’d ruin everything for him. And he’d saved me—”

“He always saved you.”

“It was my turn to help him.”

“Lilly—”

“So I did. And then two days later Josh died and because Dad might be able to get his daughter off with a drunk driving charge, once Josh died there was no way he could reduce the vehicular manslaughter, or reckless homicide. The fact I had alcohol in me and killed a family member made it an immediate Class 2 felony. I mean, Dadcouldhave done something to help at that point. I’m sure he could have done something. But he was a judge and ran on being tough on crime.”

“And so he threw you to the wolves.”

“Hired the attorney for me and forced me to plead guilty. Said I’d still probably get a slap on the wrist.”

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