Page 99 of Sneak Attack

“I’m tired.” Of being second. Of understanding why I was. Of being accommodating and still unable to get over this stupid crush that was probably only going to end up crushing me. “I’m tired of all of it.”

“I went home that night, you know,” I told Hilary and no one. “Alone and cried, and I was so damn sure I was never going to talk to either of you again. Do you remember that? I avoided you for two weeks, ignored your calls, had my parents tell you I was at work or out on a run when you stopped by to find me. ItriedHilary, over and over again to stay away. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.”

Because two weeks in, Hilary finally cornered me on my way out of class where I’d been sneaking out to my car to eat lunch alone instead of with her and Cole. She’d grabbed my arm, said, “No way. I don’t know what’s going on with you but when life gets hard, you need your friends.”

I’d tried to argue about it, had ignored Cole that day and ate my lunch in silence while I’d felt the heavy weight of his gaze on me. She’d grabbed me the next day. And the next. And the fourth until I gave up the fight of trying to stay away.

It wasn’t her fault. She had no way of knowing that being around myfriendswas making everything worse.

And then on Valentine’s Day, I’d gone to my car and on the windshield was a single red rose that had sent me into tears.

Someday I’ll be able to give you more. And I’m sorry I can’t right now.

Cole hadn’t signed the note. I’d crumpled it and thrown it away along with the flower and tossed both into our garbage bins, burying it beneath trash bags already inside and never thanked Cole for the flower. Never told a soul.

We’d played a dangerous game and while it was with good intentions, both of us lost.

Hilary most of all.

I sat there, reliving every moment where Cole and I tried to do right while fighting what we felt. I confessed to all of it, every time I’d knowingly hurt someone with only goodness inside of them, I laid it all out for Hilary. Apologized for every single moment. I owned up to my part, my own selfishness, and by the time I was done, I felt no different.

There was no peace and forgiveness to be had. The clouds darkened, thunder rolled in the distance, and I was so lost in the amount of time I’d spent there I had no idea the thunder had moved closer until the sound of someone clearing their throat behind me made me jump.

“Oh. You.”

Nate stood there, khaki shorts and light blue T-shirt with his brewery’s logo on his chest. Flowers in one hand, a book in another.

“I think I’m more surprised you’re here.”

“I had some things to tell her.”

He showed me the cover of the book. I didn’t see the title, but my lips curled. “You come here to read?”

He shrugged.

Hilary had loved to read. She was always talking about the romance books she loved to read, that first love she always thought was so innocent and beautiful. “Just like Cole and me,” she’d say, resting her temple on his shoulder at the lunch table.

“I read to her. Her old books.”

“Oh.” Surprise had my lips parting and I rolled them together to hide it.

“It’s dumb, but she used to read to me before I could, all the time, and she loved it, so now I get books I think she’d like, and I come here to spend time with her. I figure with our parents gone, I’m all she has.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, and I couldn’t stop more damn freaking tears from falling.

“I know you are.”

His statement stunned me. No, “You should be,” or “good,” or “lot of use your sorry does now.” Nate didn’t scream at me for my role in his sister’s death, why he was now reading romance books to her after her death instead of listening to her prattle on about them.

“I don’t know what to say to that,” I said, realizing I was standing there like an idiot in front of him.

“Cole told me what happened all those years ago, you know. I know what she saw that night, and so I get what happened. But I also know she loved you. If that…” He shook his head, glanced to the distance. “If that truckhadn’tbeen there that night, if she’d had another day…if she could have talked to you…eventually she would have forgiven you. She would have moved on, you know? She wouldn’t have hated you.”

“Why hold all that hate inside you when you don’t need to?” It used to be one of her favorite sayings when she heard about people arguing.

He grinned. “Exactly. So, I know that she would have let it go and moved on eventually. I’m not doing her favors by holding on to it for her, and I know you cared about her. It doesn’t take a genius to see you still feel like shit whenever you see me, Eden.”

“I don’t think I deserve her forgiveness or yours.”

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