Page 5 of Love Me Gently

I had just handed my boyfriend of five years all of his dreams and then told him I was ripping them away. In my defense, it wasn’t the right time, and I’d tried telling him we had different dreams.

“Please don’t do this.” His voice sounded like it’d been rubbed against sandpaper as his plea fell. “Don’t, Trina. Please. We can make this work.”

“We can make it work for you, you mean.” My legs swung back and forth, dangling from his tailgate, and I resettled my hands beneath my backside. If I pulled them out, I’d do the unimaginable, like reach for Cole or run them along my stomach and give him hope.

I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. It was the only way I could keep from sobbing, from falling into his arms and letting him protect me, protectus. This wasn’t what I wanted. Not when I had dreams of my own and we were days away from high school graduation.

My older sister, Kari, was at the university in Boone, a half an hour away. She was getting her degree in education and wanted nothing more than to return to Deer Creek, teach at the very high school we attended, and then get married and have babies.

Her life was normal and sweet and calm and drama-free.

I didn’t want what she wanted, or what Cole wanted for us. Notnow. Not before I had the chance to try to chase my dreams.

Getting pregnant wasn’t part of my plan. I’d heard the sayings.It only takes one time…

We’d been careful on prom night. Both times. I still blushed when I thought of how the night went, well into the early morning, and then the frantic rush to get home before any of our parents busted us for lying. The night hadn’t beengood, but like I predicted, Cole had made it perfect. For me. For us.

I’d hold the beautiful memory close to me and treasure it forever.

What I didn’t want was the consequence that we tried to prevent and hadn’t.

I couldn’t, however, go through with the procedure…not without at least telling Cole. Maybe that made me an even more selfish brat than it would have been had I simply broken up with him. But I knew Cole. He was relentless and patient in his love for me. Leaving without destroying us would give him hope.

“I want to give you everything. You know that.” Cole jumped off the truck and paced back and forth. “I can take care of you. When I get out of the academy, I’ll be able to get us a place. It’ll be a good life, you know it.”

It would be. It would be good and calm and simple…and I didn’t want any of it. Sometimes, at night, I viewed our end. Four years of dating in high school, one in middle school, friends since years before, Cole was etched into the fabric of all of my best memories. He was the only guy I could imagine being with, but our end was always on the horizon, moving like a slow train wreck you couldn’t help but watch.

The end was now.

The train was barreling down on us, and we were unable to escape the wreckage. I knew it to the depths of my bones, and while I wanted to take everything he offered, it wasn’t me.

It never would be, and I couldn’t bring myself to surrender to Cole’s dreams for us, dreams we’ve argued over ever since he decided to go to the police academy.

I would end up despising him.

It was easier to imagine leaving town in a couple weeks, having him despise me instead.

“But what about my dreams?”

His hands slid to his hips, pressed tightly against the belt loops of his jeans. His face twisted into the same condescending look he gave me every time I told him I wanted to go to New York and model. That I had dreams of making itbigand seeing my face on billboards and on magazine covers in every grocery store in every size town across the country.

He called them big city dreams. Even from where he stood feet from me, I practically felt him patting me on the head like I was a sweet little thing.

He didn’t understand. I wanted more than Deer Creek, population 2,433. A small mountain town that was dying more than it was growing and relied on winter tourists to stay afloat, we would never grow into anything more exciting.

“Trina,” he said, and his voice carried that sigh I was so used to hearing. We’d had this discussion for over a year now.

“No, Cole.” I jumped off the truck and marched to him. “Why don’t you go to the academy in New York? You can be a cop anywhere. You don’t have to stay here. Why can’t we both have what we want? Come with me.”

I reached for him, took his hand in mine. I could do this, we could do everything, but I couldn’t be the one giving up everything.

“That’s not me,” he said. He squeezed my hand and let go. He skimmed my arm with his hand and stopped at the side of my neck. He held me firmly. Maybe he thought if he held on tight enough I wouldn’t go through with this. Pain shouted from his eyes and silent expression. “You love me, Trina.”

“I do.” Tears swelled in my eyes as I nodded. “I do love you, Cole. So much, so very much.”

He swallowed slowly. Every muscle in his throat rippled with the slow, forced movement. He pulled his hurting gaze off mine and looked over my shoulder. His voice shook as he said, “But not enough.”

“No.” I shook my head, my tears streaming down my cheeks so hotly they burned my skin. “I suppose not enough.”

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