Page 58 of Love Me Gently

I shook my head. Absolutely not.

“You need to talk about it, Trina. You need to heal.”

There was nothing to heal. I was broken beyond repair and the sooner he learned that the better off we’d both be. Cole had always been a protector, a fixer. But he couldn’t fix me.

He couldn’t back then, and he definitely couldn’t now.

“If not me, then you need to call one of the therapists. Or someone else. Valerie orsomeone. This isn’t healthy.You’renot healthy.”

I scoffed and found the strength to look him directly in his eyes. “I know that.”

He blinked. Surprised I was self-aware? Please.

I was well aware of my faults and my mistakes. They were blinking neon lights in my brain every time I tried to shut it off and since beinghere, in his home and in this town, I could no longer find my weapons for dimming them.

And because of that, because I couldn’t find my reasons or ways tohidethem, anger rose. Fast, furious, so quickly and so powerfully my body trembled, and my fingertips burned as my hands curled into fists.

“He wasn’t the first you know.”

Cole jolted, head snapping back as I spoke. For once, he needed to know. “What do you?—”

“Jonathan. He wasn’t the first to beat me. He wasn’t the first to force me to do other things. He wasn’t the first tohurtme, Cole. There were many before him. And I did it all.Willingly. All to get what I wanted. All to get my dream. I had choices in front of me and I made every single one of them knowing exactly what I was doing. Don’t stand there and feel sorry for me. Just stop it. I’m not a wounded victim who needs to heal. The person you knewdiedthe moment I left town, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to help bring me back. So just…stop!”

Rage made my voice shake. Shame made my tears fall. I skirted around him and ran down the hall, down the stairs, slammed the door, and dove into the bed.

Covers yanked up over me, I shoved my face into my pillow.

He was so wrong.

No one, not a single person, could help me… especially when I’d never been able to help myself.

I was still crying when the stairs creaked. Stupid of me. Stupid of me to think he’d leave it alone. Leave me alone.

There was a quiet knock and then the squeak of the door.

“You don’t have to look at me. And I’m sorry, for tearing you away from your life, for trying to help. It’s just…you might think you died that day, but I think you’re still there. You’re just too afraid to come back out.”

A quiet thud landed on my nightstand, and my breath hitched.

“If you want…” He cleared his throat and there was pain ripping through him. I’d done that. Brought him more pain. God…what aloserI was. “If you want to go back to your husband, I can’t force you to stay here. I know I can’t, even as much as I want to protect you from him and more pain. But if that’s what you want…I’ll call Kip. We’ll figure something out.”

My tears froze and my blood turned to ice. Send me back? To Jonathan? Did I…did I want that?

“If you want to stay, if you want to be safe, I can make that happen. Other people can, too. You still got friends in this town, both Heather and Ashley are here. I bought you a phone today. Call someone, if you want, but maybe try considering something else.”

He paused, and I waited for him to continue. When he didn’t, I couldn’t resist temptation, and I pushed the covers off my face. I rolled to my back and peeked up at him.

My room was dark, and the lights from the playroom shadowed his figure, but there was no hiding the defeat in his curled shoulders and the way his head hung.

I couldn’t quite tell if he was looking at me, but I wasn’t sure that mattered. Colesawsomething in me, he always had.

“Maybe you can’t go back and correct your mistakes or get over the things that happened. But if you want tostay, only you get to decide what kind of person you want to be moving forward. There are lots of people around who would help you figure out who that new person is. Including me.”

“The day I got rid of our baby…” I started and pushed through the wretched pain and memories in my throat and forced the words out. He had to know who I was now. The monster I’d become.

“I don’t hate you for that anymore. I don’t.”

That didn’t matter. It also wasn’t my point.

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