Page 81 of On Fire Island

In ancient Hebrew, the word fortomband the word forwombare one and the same. This is what the Rabbi (and bestselling author) I met at the Random House Christmas party pointed out to me when I told her I was dying.

“We are born twice,” she assured me. “Once from the womb and once from the tomb.”

forty-three

Two Summers Later

Ben pulled into the narrow gravel road of Wellwood Cemetery and parked in his usual spot. He came there often, but not to the point of concern. It was, after all, right on the way to the ferry. He eventually joined the bereavement group that Julia’s Rabbi had first recommended and then insisted on. There, he learned that Julia’s Nefesh (the lowest part of her soul) remained in her grave, and that visiting her there helped to elevate her spirit. Aside from that, he found spending time at the sacred space cathartic. Ben had realized quite quickly after Julia passed that she was right: death was not the end. Their love would live on, eternally.

Ben usually sat on the grass in front of Julia’s headstone and talked to her about nonsense while Sally lay by his side, her head intuitively in his lap the entire time. He relayed the ups and downs of writing his now very successful sports column, In the Locker Room with Ben Morse, and caught her up about everything that had been going on with their friends and family, spewing it all out in one long soliloquy, not unlike the girls behind the register at the market.

Things like,Matty had a great freshman year at Pomona College—remember when I had that kooky publicist who went there—andDylan is returning from a whole year at the Galápagos Marine Reserve. Word is she’s dating a herpetologist, but don’t worry, it’s not what it sounds like, it’s a turtle expert—and Renee finally outgrew the drummer, she left him somewhere in Ohio on tour. I saw her on Hinge. I haven’t swiped left or right on that thing yet, but I’m thinking about it. Oh, and there’s good news and bad news—what do you want first? The good news, of course! Andie is pregnant with a baby girl, and guess what they are planning to name her? Julia! Yes, I know your sister will name her baby that, but there can never be too many Julias in the world! The bad news is that Shep’s daughters are no closer to reconciliation, and Bea no closer to finding the child she put up for adoption. She’s coming out this summer for sure though, so back to good news!

But today was different.

Today, he pulled out a copy of “their” final novel,On Fire Island, and leaned it on her headstone.

“You’re gonna love this one, Jules—an instant bestseller—and the reviews have been out of the park.”

He pulled theNew York Timesfrom his bag, along with theWall Street Journaland that week’sPeoplemagazine, and read the best parts out loud. When he was through, he placed a perfectly round stone on theJin Julia before running his finger over the rest, as if smudging a name on a birthday cake, for luck.

And he left, possibly for the first time without shedding a tear.

•••

An hour later, Ben climbed the stairs of the Fire Island Ferry, a large clam chowder in hand. He looked around to see who he knew—oddly, no one—and grabbed a seat up front. It was quite windy, and the benches were already damp from the spray of the whitecaps on the bay. Ben grabbed the squeegee from itsusual spot, like the seasoned Fire Islander that he was, and dried off his seat.

As the island came into view on his inaugural trip of the season, his heart swelled past the parameters of his grief for the first time in a long while. He took in a deep breath of the salty sea air and smiled. He was looking forward to summer, but it felt significantly bigger than that. He felt like he was lookingforward.

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