Page 34 of Theoretically Straight

She stares at me in horror. “You intentionally went to a place in search of ghosts?”

I’m quickly regretting bringing it up at all. “I mean, not literally, but–”

“Theo, that’s really dangerous. You shouldn’t put yourselves in those kinds of situations, you know? That’s where dark spirits can manifest and attach themselves to you.”

I blink at her. “What?”

“Ephesians chapter six, verses eleven and twelve. ‘Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.’” She pauses before her big blue eyes bore into mine. “Spiritual warfare is no joke, Theo. Dark spirits are real. You need to be careful about putting yourself in places like that.”

I stare at her in shock. I’m used to her quoting the Bible directly—she’s done that around me dozens of times, so that isn’t what surprises me. But I’ve never seen her look so genuinelyafraidbefore. She really believes in this stuff—ghosts, demons, and spiritual warfare. And if the Bible mentions it, it must be real, right?

Shit. I mean–crap. Is that what’s happening? A dark spirit has attached itself to me? Am I actually being haunted after all?

“Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Oh, um, yeah,” I stammer, nodding quickly. “No, you’re absolutely right. I just–I don’t know. Thought it might be cool to see…something.”

Sienna shakes her head. “I understand your curiosity, but I just worry about your spiritual welfare, you know? Going into a dark place like that unprepared is just asking for trouble, don’t you think?”

Maybe she’s right. She knows way more about all this Christian stuff than I do. So much more, in fact, that it’s the reason we broke up in the first place.

Finally, I nod, worried she might freak out if I don’t say anything. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Sienna is quiet for a few seconds, curling a strand of her hair anxiously between her fingers. “So…did you end up seeing anything?”

“No,” I say quickly. It’s technically not a lie. I didn’t see anything while I was down there. My phone captured something that neither I nor Caleb saw. I have to bite my tongue not to say more. I don’t need her worrying about my spirituality any more than she already does.

“Oh, thank God,” Sienna sighs in relief. “I’m so glad.”

“Yeah,” I add with a nervous chuckle. “Me too.”

Sienna smiles brightly again, visibly happy to change the subject. “So, is there anything else new? How has your small group been going?”

Ah, small group. The way Sienna talks about her small group makes it seem that she’s in a close-knit community of like-minded people who willingly gather every week to share life and build each other up. But my small group is nothing like that—it’s just an arbitrary grouping of about ten guys in my grade at church that I’ve known since I was a kid. We meet for about an hour every Wednesday evening, follow a church curriculum, and share prayer requests with our adult leaders. That’s it.

Admittedly, I don’t really get much out of church outside of worship. Occasionally, a sermon, lesson, or small group discussion will stand out as impactful or eye-opening, but more often than not, it’s just something I do because I always have. I don’t dislike it enough to stop going, but it’s not something to write home about. Or, in this case, tell Sienna about.

“It’s fine,” I offer. “Nothing new. You know me, my life is kind of boring compared to yours. We’re here to talk about your trip!”

Sienna rolls her eyes at my self-deprecation, but her delight that she gets to take over the conversation is obvious. Or at least it’s obvious to me. I guess that’s one of the side effects of having dated her for five months after being close friends since elementary school: the ability to see through any masks she tries to put up. But if I’m honest, it’s genuinely disarming how rare those moments are. Sienna is completely and earnestly herself. She truly is passionate about Jesus. She is sincere about her desire to better the world and help people.

It’s inspiring at best. It’s intimidating at worst. But that’s Sienna.

“Okay, fine, I’ll jump right into it then!”

And she does. She talks about how unbearably long the flight was, but she was led by the Holy Spirit to talk to some guy across the aisle from her. Unsurprisingly, it turns out the guy was just interested in getting her number, but she prayed with him, nonetheless. When they arrived in Johannesburg, they were able to stay in a nice hotel just one night before the next flight on a frightfully smaller plane going deeper into the country. Then, they piled up in a van and drove another four hours before they reached the village where the missionaries lived. The trip was mostly focused on the kids in this village and putting on a vacation Bible school for them so that they were taken care of during the day.

There are lots of tangents, lots of inside jokes, and lots of me listening quietly as Sienna gushes about her trip. She’s honest about the parts that sucked, but the sincerity that pours out of her when she talks about the kids and the families she met in this village is genuine. It feels surreal; like she’s talking about a dream she had one night, not a real experience that took her halfway across the world for two weeks. It’s almost difficult to keep listening because I feel like I should have been there. Like maybe I was supposed to be there, but I missed the call.

Did I miss Your call, God?

The old familiar twist of guilt eats at my insides as I listen, wondering if this is how I’m supposed to feel about my faith. Why am I not this passionate about it? Why didn’t I jump at the opportunity to travel to another country to show people the love of Christ? If it comes easily to Sienna, why can’t it be like that for me?

I need to do more. I need to try harder. I need to be better.

Maybe I should ask her about it.

“So…” she trails off, her eyes still glazed over and slightly teary from an earlier story about a particular little girl she bonded with. “It was the best two weeks of my life by far. I will truly never be the same again, and I am definitely going back someday. Hopefully, in the next few years.”

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