Page 45 of Theoretically Straight

“Also,” she reaches out and touches my hand. “I need you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you.”

I stare back at her and feign confusion. “W-What?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. No matter who you like. Okay?”

How could she–oh,Wren.She still thinks I like Wren. I mean, yeah, that would also be complicated for the same reasons that liking Caleb would be complicated. But I can’t help the relief that washes over me that she didn’t see through me completely. Caleb is still my secret, and I aim to keep it that way.

“Okay,” I finally say.

She smiles and pulls away. “All right, you’re free to go.”

“Really?” I ask skeptically.

“Really.”

I’m genuinely surprised she’s not pushing me harder for the truth, but maybe I convinced her. Or maybe she knows I need space. Whatever the case, I’ll take it. I turn and head for the door.

“Thanks, Grace.”

“Anytime, bud.”

I promptly escape to my room, select a moody playlist, and collapse on my bed.

Predictably, however, all I can think of is Caleb. And that terrifies me.

But should it terrify me? Is this all in my head? I try to replay the events of the evening, try to figure out where things went wrong, where things got…weird. We shared the gummy worms because he offered them to me. We brushed arms and it was an accident at first, but then Caleb left his arm there, and then a jump scare had us holding hands. I think he grabbed mine first, but I’m the one that held on. Then, when Wren spoke up, it spooked Caleb and he let go.

But as soon as I recall the feeling of his skin on mine, my bodyresponds.Even right now. The heat in my chest, the chills up and down my arm, my heart pounding erratically–

Shit, shit, shit, this isn’t helpful.

Part of me—the always-compliant, rule-following, goody-goody Christian side of me—knows that something deeper is going on, and I really should either pray about this, talk to someone, or maybe just break things off with Caleb altogether. If this…thing,whatever it is, is comparable to how I felt about Sienna, I should do the right thing and end it. Not just for my sake but for Caleb’s, too. I can’t give him the wrong idea. I can’t spend too much time with Caleb if he thinks this is something it’s not, so I might as well just let it go and move on like nothing ever happened.

However, that’s only a part of me. The other part—the opportunistic side that trespassed into the basement of Saint Catherine’s without caring about the consequences because the reward of internet fame outweighed the risk of getting caught—feels quite differently about the whole thing. So, the question is: do the rewards outweigh the risks in this situation? I think it depends on what the consequences of being caught would be, but the rewards? The rewards include having Caleb in my life. The reward is seeing how often I can make Caleb’s nose scrunch in that funny way when he laughs. The reward is letting our hands touch sometimes, experiencing that intoxicating energy between us, and seeing what else happens.

And I mean, honestly, there’s nothingwrongwith holding hands. Sure, I’ve only ever really held hands with Sienna before now, but that was different. We went into it with romantic intentions. We were dating when we held hands. Caleb and I are friends, and that’s it. Friends can hold hands. Right?

Maybe… Maybe we should only hold hands in secret, then. Just in case someone gets the wrong idea and thinks we’re doing something wrong. Because we’re not doing anything wrong. And if we’re not doing anything wrong, then what’s the risk?

And if there’s no risk, what am I so afraid of?

What if…

What if there doesn’t have to be consequences because what if what is happening is actually nothing to be afraid of?

For the first time all night, I can feel the relief wash over me as I cling to this realization. It’s enough. I’ll take it.

If I’m going to be friends with Caleb, then it’s probably time to make it official and introduce him to the crew.

Admittedly, I probably should have told my friends about Caleb sooner given how often we’re texting now. Plus, having Caleb over last night will probably trigger some type of best friend alarm bells for Harrison. But the sooner I tell them, the less weird they’ll be about it.

They won’t be weird because Caleb is gay—not even the slightest. Harrison is the only one who might be the slightest bit hesitant about it, but that’s for the same reason as my initial hesitance: the church has taught us that the lifestyle of being gay is wrong, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have gay friends. Gay people are people, too, and deserve just as much love and friendship as anyone else. As for Elise and Oliver, it won’t even be on their radar as something to worry about. Elise already reads tons of gay comics and fanfiction, and I’m pretty sure her sister is dating someone non-binary, and Oliver doesn’t care about anything. So that’s definitely not what I worry about.

My friends will be weird because I don’t justmakefriends. Before Saint Catherine’s, I had a total of four people in my life that I consider my friends: Harrison, Oliver, Elise, and Sienna. I hate big crowds, and the idea of meeting new people freaks me out. In fact, when Oliver entered the picture, I was not initially on board with him invading our friend group because his golden retriever energy overwhelmed me so much. But Oliver was persistent, clinging to us like a goofy little parasite, and eventually, I got over myself and accepted it. Now I don’t know where I’d be without him.

So, the idea of me inviting a new person into our crew with very little precedent? Especially since I haven’t really mentioned how often I talk to Caleb already? Yeah, my friends are going to be weird about it.

I send the message to the group chat first, knowing if Caleb just shows up without their knowledge, it will be a nightmare.

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