Page 8 of Theoretically Straight

Lola snorts a laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure it happens all the time. I always think people are flirting with me when they don’t immediately punch me in the face.”

With a sigh, I deflate down to a puddle on the table, folding my arms under my head. “It’s not fair. Why am I only interested in the boys who can never like me back? It’s like a curse. I’m forever doomed to unrequited crushes.”

Lola shakes her head, sending her curls bouncing. “You’re sixteen, dude. I think it’s a little early to be talking about ‘forever.’”

“You know what I mean. You had a boyfriend at fifteen. Freddy has had too many boyfriends for me to count at this point. Even Wren had a summer romance with that girl after they both painted each other’s faces to look like swamp creatures and did that photo shoot crawling out of the mud. I mean, where’s my swamp creature? I want it so bad that it hurts sometimes. I just feel unwanted.”

Lola’s expression softens. “I’ll always want you around, Caleb. I know it’s not the same, but it’s true. Even if you’re terminally alone for the rest of your life, and you end up one of those creepy old men that sit at the Waffle House reading their newspaper for hours every morning while slurping watered-down coffee and making passes at the servers.”

I grimace. “You really know how to paint a picture, don’t you? Do me a favor and put me out of my misery before I start sexually harassing people who are just trying to serve waffles to the masses.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. In the meantime, is there really no one at school that you’d think is a dateable option? I’ve always thought you and Freddy would make a cute couple.”

I cringe, leaning back into my seat. “Gross. He’s the annoying brother I never wanted, and I don’t see that changing, like, ever.”

“Okay, so not him. But for real, there’s no one else?”

“No one that’s shown an interest. I mean, there are a few guys that are out. Most of them are seniors, though, and that’s super intimidating. Plus, Freddy’s already gotten to most of them, so it might make it weird between us. Despite his blasé attitude, I think he cares about some of them more than he lets on. I don’t want a boyfriend at the price of losing my best friend.”

Lola nods along, her honey-brown eyes squinting. “Sounds rough, little bro. All I can say is if you really want it, you have to put yourself out there. Take a chance or two, and maybe you’ll get lucky. But be smart, please. Don’t go up to some homophobic asshole and get your teeth knocked in. Mom and Dad paid too much money to get them straightened out.”

She’s probably right. I can’t expect a boyfriend to fall into my lap, although it would be so much easier. I’ve watched too many rom-coms.

Real life isn’t like that.

“I guess I can try. Who knows, maybe my future boyfriend is out there now, feeling the same way I do.”

Lola makes a gross cooing noise. “Aw. That’s kind of beautiful, Caleb. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go thumb through police reports from a lady calling the cops about her husband fucking an inflatable goat on the front lawn. Isn’t love a magical thing?”

“That old-man-reading-the-paper fantasy is suddenly starting to look better.”

She laughs, grabbing the file. “Would you mind calling dinner in?”

“I’m on it. May the Beef and Broccoli give you the strength to get through… all that.”

“I can’t believe you’re being such a freaking idiot about this!”

“Me?I’m the one being an idiot? Elise, do you have any idea how impossible you are sometimes!?”

Harrison and Elise are already bickering rather loudly as I’m approaching our lunch table. Their weird version of flirting would be endearing if it wasn’t a daily occurrence.

As soon as Oliver sees me, he groans loudly. “Daaaad, make them stop arguing. It’s giving me a migraine!”

As usual, Harrison and Elise are sitting side by side on one side of the table, with Oliver directly across from Elise, so I take my seat beside Oliver and drop my tray of food on the table. “Now, Elise, why aren’t we using our inside voice?” I ask sternly, feigning a frustrated fatherly expression.

Elise glares at me intensely, her mouth gaping. “Are you freakingserious, Theo? Youalwaystake his side! You don’t even know what insane bullshit he just said, and yet you’re already tellingmeto lowermyvoice!?”

“I mean, you are being significantly louder than–”

“Theo!!”

Harrison is rolling his eyes dramatically. “He doesn’t even need to hear my case because I know he’ll agree with me anyway.”

Elise looks like she’s about to combust, so I reach out and take both her hands in mine in an attempt to ground her to reality. “You’re right, Elise, I’m sorry. I’ll hear your side first. What does Harrison have an insane bullcrap take on?”

“This absolutemoronhas the audacity to still believe that subs are better than dubs.Still!In the year of our Lord 2023!”

“I don’t see why the year matters,” Harrison cuts in. “Subtitles are timeless. American dubs are notoriously bad, and Japanese voice actors are just superior. I like to experience the anime the way it was intended to sound, and I don’t think any American voice actors can pull it off better than the original.”

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