Page 81 of Theoretically Straight

I’m too ashamed to tell Caleb yet. He’ll see on Monday that I chickened out. I hope he’s not too disappointed in me. I’m already disappointed in myself enough for both of us.

Maybe it’s because I’m too lost in my thoughts, or maybe it’s because I’m exhausted from work, or maybe it’s because he’s just too freaking quiet all the damn time, but as I exit the bathroom, I jump as I almost run smack into Nathaniel.

“What is that awful smell?” he asks, his face scrunched up in disgust.

“Nothing.”

Nathaniel scoffs. “It’s clearly something. Like some kind of chemical. What is that?”

I hesitate, but I sigh and realize there’s no point in trying to hide it. “Nail polish remover.”

Nathaniel tilts his head, studying me with a puzzled expression. “Did you…did you remove nail polish from something?”

How do I even respond to that? How do I tell my younger brother that I was just removing nail polish off my own fingers because, yeah, I’m a seventeen-year-old guy who gets his nails painted now, what of it? He’s going to see right through that. That’s not me. But then again, I guess it is kind of me now?

“Hello?”

“Yeah, um…I was helping one of my friends out yesterday with a costume—it’s a long story, but they needed me to have my nails painted for it, that’s all. So, I was just taking it off now before church tomorrow.”

Nathaniel studies me for just a few seconds more, then shrugs. “Whatever,” he says, then pushes gently past me to his bedroom door where he slips inside and shuts the door behind him.

I exhale a sigh of relief as I retreat back to my room.It wasn’t a lie,I reassure myself. But it doesn’t matter. I lie in bed wondering when I’ll stop being a coward and just be who I want to be without fear. Like Grace. Like Caleb. Like Wren and Freddy.

Someday. Someday, I will.

* * *

Sunday, September 24

For the first time in my life, church makes my skin crawl.

Nothing happens, really. Nothing out of the ordinary. There’s not a sermon on homosexuality, nor is there anything specific that happens that would remind me of my predicament. But it doesn’t matter. I still feel it. Grace’s words from a few nights ago bounce around in my head, and I feel…wrong.Like being here is wrong. No one knows about Caleb, but I fear every interaction and dread every conversation because what if they do? What if they figure it out? Will they kick me out? Will they try to “set me straight”? Will they tell my parents?

The storm brewing in my head is so distracting that I can’t even focus on worship, the one aspect of church that has ever mattered to me. The music almost pulls me out of it, the soft, upbeat tunes nearly swaying me into a sense of peace, but as soon as I open my eyes, I just see Sienna with outstretched arms, Chase waving at me, or Brandon flashing me that friendly church leader smile and it all starts up again.

For the first time in my life, I seriously consider skipping church next week.

But that’s a problem for future Theo to deal with. Today, I have to tell two more people that I like a boy and hope they don’t freak out or abandon me or treat me differently. I know that none of those things will happen because it’s Elise and Oliver, but the fear isn’t so easily quelled by reason.

When the crew arrives at my house after lunch, we quickly head down to the theater room in hopes that whatever movie we put on will cover up the sound of our conversation. Elise decides on a classic we’ve all seen a hundred times before and could probably quote word for word:What We Do In The Shadows.

It’s clear that Harrison has (at the very least) given Elise a heads-up that I’ll be sharing something important, so poor Oliver is the only one who has no idea what’s coming.

“So,” I begin once the movie starts, making brief eye contact with everyone in the room. “There’s something really important that I need to tell you guys, and I need you to keep it between us for now.”

Oliver’s face twists into confusion. “Wait, what is happening right now?”

Elise punches his arm a little harder than necessary.

“Ow!What the fuck?!”

“I’ll make it quick, I promise,” I say with a nervous smile. “So, um, Caleb and I have been kind of…seeing each other for a few days now. Like. Romantically.”

Elise’s reaction is immediate, which is a dead giveaway that Elise bullied the truth out of Harrison over the weekend. “YES!!” she squeals, which prompts Harrison and I to shush her. “Sorry, sorry,” she says at a lower volume before continuing. “I knew it!! Icalledit, didn’t I, Harry?” she punctuates “called it” with a playful punch to Harrison’s shoulder. Harrison rolls his eyes.

Oliver is frozen in place, an unfamiliar look of shock on his face. His eyes are wide, and his lips are slightly parted as he stares at me.

“Literally a week ago, I saw it at the pool, and I told Harry immediately, didn’t I, Harry? And he told me I was crazy! But you knew that I was on to you, Theo! You know that I knew something even then! We were supposed to have a conversation, remember? I told you this wasn’t over. Wow, I can’t believe it took you a whole fucking week to come clean!”

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