Page 68 of Cross the Line
Being with Dev in any form means opening myself up to another chance at heartbreak. I can’t imagine he’d ever cheat like Jeremy did, but I also can’t imagine being his forever first choice. Now that his reputation is repaired, he can have any woman he wants, so why would he settle for me?
I’m fragile and weak, practically held together with glue and stretched-out rubber bands. Some days I can barely keep up with the breakneck pace of following the team around the world, and it’s nothing short of a miracle that I haven’t fallen completely behind or gotten seriously hurt. Someone should slap a sticker on my forehead that sayshandle with care.
Would he really be up for tolerating that? And for how long?
Then there’s my brother. I’ve already torn Oakley’s friend group apart once. I don’t want to be the reason it happens again. If Dev and I broke up, no matter how amicably, there would always be a lingering awkwardness between us, and I have no doubt that it would carry over into his relationship with Oakley.
And even if wedidn’tbreak up, if it led to a wedding and kids and a happily ever after, their friendship would still change. Could I handle that? Could I be content with my choice, knowing that Oakley would still be affected?
‘I just don’t think being together is a good idea,’ I tell Chantal, but the words taste bitter on my tongue.
There’s a beat of disappointed silence before she says, ‘You can’t really believe that.’
I don’t, but this is fear talking. Right now, there’s only the burn of panic in my veins. It’s activating my fight-or-flight response, and it’s telling me to run.
But I don’twantto listen to the fear. I don’twantto let it deprive me of the happiness that being with Dev would undoubtedly bring me, even with the consequences, even if only for a short time.
It can keep singing its siren song in the back of my mind, but I refuse to let it lure me under. I won’t drown in the current of emotions and let them wash me, broken and bloodied, onto the shore. I won’t let it turn me into a shell of myself like I’ve been before. Or steal the fire I worked so hard to build and build and build until it blazed bright once again.
So that leaves me with two options. I can be selfish. I can put myself first and dive into the unknown. Or I can defer to the greater good and let this all come to an end, keeping the status quo intact.
And that means I have to make a choice.
‘I’m just afraid I’ll have to give something up to be with him,’ I finish weakly.
She’s quiet for a few seconds, considering my words. She understands where I’m coming from, even if I don’t explain my thought processes. She knows all my hang-ups and self-doubts, and she’s seen all the versions of me – from the wide-eyed innocent coming into college, to the broken-hearted girl after the Jeremy situation, all the way to the woman I am now, in part thanks to the way she and Grace helped build me back up.
‘I understand that,’ she finally says. ‘And itisscary. But, Willow . . .’ She takes a breath, her next words gentle but determined. ‘You could haveeverythingwith him. Please don’t let the fear win.’
CHAPTER 22
Dev
My phone has been ringing nonstop since the end of the race. So have Chava’s and Mark’s. I don’t think I’ve ever heard from so many people in my life. Shit, I didn’t realize I evenknewthis many people.
I’m tucked into the corner of my hotel room, video chatting with my mom, my dad, my sister and a handful of friends who watched the race with them. It’s a riot of cheers and toasts in a combination of English and Gujarati, and I can’t make out half of what they’re shouting.
‘You did well, beta,’ Mom says for the millionth time, but I’ll never get tired of it. Praise from her is like gold. ‘Bring that trophy home so I can see it for myself.’
‘If I had known you planned on winning, I would have been there!’ Dad shouts, his arms wrapped around Mom’s shoulders. ‘I’m so proud of you, kiddo.’
‘Iguessyou did okay,’ Alisha teases from the edge of the screen. ‘You better enjoy the attention now, though, because next month it’s going to be all on me.’
Her fiancé snorts, chucking her gently under the chin. ‘Ah, yeah, just you. Not like it’sourwedding.’
It’s obvious from the way he looks at Alisha that he’s madly in love. Is that how I look at Willow? If so, it’s a fucking miracle no one has called me out on it already.
And it’s a miracle that I held out until today to finally kiss her again. But seeing her in my room, setting up a display to remind me how loved I am . . . I couldn’t stop myself. I had to make my obsession known.
But now she and I have a lot to talk about. The conversation has been coming our way for a while, but I undoubtedly sped it up with my actions today. And for me, there’s no going back to how things used to be.
I want more. But it’s up to her to decide whatmoreis. The risks are far more serious for her than they are for me.
After promising to call again tomorrow, I disconnect the video call and turn my attention back to Chava, who’s just setting his phone down as well.
‘I talked to Oakley.’ The announcement suddenly fills my stomach with lead. ‘He said don’t worry about calling him back. He just wanted to congratulate you.’
Fuck.I’ve pushed Oakley to the back of my head, and this isnotthe reminder I needed after having my hands all over his little sister a few hours ago. As reasonable as he is, I don’t think he’d appreciate that detail. Especially if he knew this wasn’t even the first time.
