Page 24 of Beautiful Scars

It should scare me. God knows I've learned what happens when that kind of intensity gets turned on you. I've got the scars to prove it. But, the messed-up part? That dangerous side of him? That's exactly what makes me feel the safest. When he gets so fierce and protective, and looks at me like I'm his to defend... it should send me running as far away as I can get.

Instead, it makes me feel like nothing can touch me.

I know how stupid it probably is to think like that. I mean, how fucked up does it make me that the thing that should terrify me is the thing I trust and love about him the most? I can’t make it make sense, no matter how I look at it or how hard I try. I don't know if I'll ever figure out how to be okay with it completely. But I'm trying.

"I know," I say softly, moving back under his arm. "I do."

It takes a minute before I feel him relax. "Good," he says, tugging me closer. "Because you're stuck with me now. I'm not going anywhere."

"IguessI can handle that," I tease, even though my heart beats a little faster at the thought.Stuck with him.I like the way that sounds.

We start walking again, falling into our easy rhythm. The whispers and stares that follow us don't dig under my skin like they used to. It's harder for them to reach me when I'm with Levi.

But there's still that cautious voice in the back of my mind, reminding me that it's only been a couple of months. People like Zack and Garrett don't just disappear. They don't forget.

I push the thought away. For the first time in years, I feel like I might have more than just survival to look forward to.

“I can't wait for your birthday,” Levi says, his voice casual but clearly trying to change the subject. “You better be ready for it. I'm going to come up with something you'll love.”

I laugh. “I told you already, it's not that big of a deal.”

He stops walking again. "Too late. I'm determined to show you what a big deal it is. I mean, eighteen Sunny. It's huge. You can like... vote and whatever."

“Voting. Right. Civic duty and all that,” I say, starting to walk without him. It's amusing how serious he looks. “I don’t need a birthday to tell me I can... ‘and whatever’. Birthdays haven't really worked out that well for me in the past.”

“Well, that was before,” he argues, grinning, "I'm here now, and I'm going to change all that. You deserve it. Just wait. You'll see.”

You deserve it.

Something in my chest tightens. Those words sound so different not being spit at me in anger. I'm not ready to hear them like this, not ready to accept all of the good things theycanmean. Levi makes everything sound so simple. And maybe it is for him. Like he can magically take things and change them through sheer force of will and desire.

Levi isconsuming.He's contagious. When I'm with him it's so easy for me to see everything through his eyes, his point of view. What he sees when he looks at me seems so different than how I feel. He doesn't see me as some broken thing that's trying to put itself back together for the hundredth time. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he did see me that way though. At least I'd know what to do with it then.

I bite my lip, suddenly unsure of what to say. I want to believe him. Iwantto let myself just relax into this, intohim. And part of me has. Part of me has quit fighting and arguing about every good feeling I have these days. But there’s still that tiny part of me that's scared. Scared that once I let myself believe everything is good, it'll break into a million unfixable pieces.

“I don’t need anything fancy,” I say finally, trying to keep my voice light. “I’m serious. Just something simple. Something normal."

The word "normal" sticks in my throat. Nothing about turning eighteen is normal for me. Not like it is for other people. Other people get to celebrate freedom and independence. They get to be excited about becoming an adult. I get to wake up knowing that every single second I stay in my house is a choice I'm making as an adult.

It doesn't matter that Garrett never let me have a job, or any money of my own. It doesn't matter that I don't have the first clue about what it would take to make it by myself. What does matter is that to everyone on the outside looking in, it will seem that Iwantto stay. That if I really hated it, I could and would just leave. Like it's that simple.

I shiver, and Levi pulls me closer, probably thinking I'm cold. If he knew what I was really thinking about... but how can I explain how scared I am of my birthday? How it feels less like freedom and more like a noose tightening around my neck?

Mom's been talking about it too. About how I'll be an adult, responsible for my own choices. The way she says it makes it clear—if I leave, I'll be abandoning her. Leaving her alone to deal withhimby herself.

“Normal, huh?” Levi’s grin softens into something sweeter, and I feel his hand slide down my arm until his fingers are laced with mine again.

I could get used to this so easily.

“Do you ever think about it?” I ask, surprising myself with the question. “What it would be like if we didn’t have to worry about all this other stuff? If it could be all be normal and was just… you and me.”

He’s quiet for a second, his face going serious. “All the time.”

"Wait." Levi stops walking and his face lights up. "I've got the best idea for your birthday."

I groan. "I thought we settled this. Simple, remember?"

"Yeah, but, this is perfect." He glances at the school building, then back at me. His green eyes sparkle with mischief. "What do you say we skip today?"

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